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BF wants to give hime time and space after Gf cheated on her

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bonsky posted 5/24/2013 23:05 PM

Me and my boyfriend are together for almost 7years. The problem is i cheated on him by having an emotional affair/long distance affair with a guy whom i only met once. WE always chat through facebook everyday starting January 2013 until March. i can say that i started to like him by february but i dont love him like my boyfriend. We share sweet talks with each other everytime we chat. WE never do video chat.

Last mArch 2013 Me and my boyfriend had a fight, 2 days before the fight i broke up with my bf. because i was really hurt.He tried to win me back but i told him i need space because i was hurt and im also thinking about this guy i talked to online. I dont want to reconcile with my bf until im not ok with my feelings for him (like no 3rd party involve) i really want to be sure about my feelings for him. But accidentally he caught me that i had a long distance affair with this guy. He makes use all of his resources and knowledge about computers to know what our conversations. I know i hurt him a lot. And he let me choose between him and that guy, i chose my bf because i know that hes the one i love though since from the start. my mind is confused by that time but i know hes the one i love. He told me not to talk to that guy anymore i said yes but i made my last message to the guy that night that we will not talk with each other anymore and told him that my bf caught me and i said goodbye.and because my bf installed something on my laptop he found this out again but this is the Last message to him. i already stop talking to this guy anymore. I want to prove to my bf that im really sorry from what i did. I want to work out our relationship and to start again like what my bf wants. he told we that we can do it no break ups but it seems that hes having a hard time. He always remember what happened. He cannot sleep at night. He asks me lot of questions sometimes i refused to answer or not give him the exact answers because i want to help him to move on not to cover up my mistakes, but everytime he found any information regarding what happened he goes back to square. Now I know that i really love him. I always ask for forgiveness and how sorry i am from what i did. I want to prove to him that i will not do it anymore. I know its not easy for him to forgive and to forget. We tried to work things out, i tried to help himto heal without breaking up but it seems it didnt work. Now he wants space ,after the conversation we had he asked lot of questions and told him honestly what had happened. i dont like to give him time and space. He told me he wants now to be ok without me. Im scared that if i give him space he will be gone forever. he told me he doesnt like to communicate with me just to forget me but i really love him i will do everything just to win him back.Hes mad at me.he wants our relationship to end. i know hes saying all these things because hes mad. i told him i will wait for him even it will take a long time. our friends told me to give him what he wants. He also appreciates that im trying my best for us to be ok. I need some advice please.

If i give him time and space, is there any possibilities that we will be ok again?

Will he ever forgive me?

Is it ok to communicate with him
Even if he told me not to talk and see him anymore? If not for how long?

stilllovinghim posted 5/25/2013 00:23 AM

If he wants time and space, give it to him. You've had multiple chances to get what you want, let him have his. He deserves the decency to make up his own mind and you need to respect that. Stop focusing on him forgiving you. Right now there's a huge elephant in the room and you're trying to squeeze its fat ass under the rug.

Focus on making yourself safe. Focus on fixing and owning your shit. Right now, forgiveness is a pipe dream so stop trying to have your damn way. Respect his wishes. If he wants time and space, give it to him. Right now your words don't mean shit so prove yourself with ACTIONS. This is all going to take a lot of time so forget trying to rush this because that'll solve shit-zero.

If he asks questions then answer them and answer them 100% truthfully! Don't refuse to answer. If you don't want to do the work and you don't want to answer, you don't have to. Just dont expect him to hang around waiting on you.

Eta: also, he's going to go through times where he wants space and then he'll want to be with you and so forth. He'll go through times where he's 38 hot then seems fine. This is normal and will be part of his persona for a while during this traumatic time for him. His brain was just sat in fire and his heart was used as kindling. This is extreamly traumatic, a betrayal of the worst kind, kwim?

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 12:28 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]

stilllovinghim posted 5/25/2013 20:38 PM

Bonsky, I hope you come back. You asked, I answered.

How are things?

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/25/2013 20:53 PM

Give him time. He feels lied to and betrayed. But if he asks for details, don't hold back, even if it's hard.

Come back and tell us how it's going.

bonsky posted 5/25/2013 21:15 PM

Im sorry for the late reply. We still have communication. We exchanged messages last night but hes very mad at me. He said many hurtful words against me. I understand him though it hurts for me that he said all those things.

We will see each other later but i think that will be the last time we will see each other. I will give him what he wants. I told him even if he doesnt like to see me and talk to me, Im just here for him waiting to forgive me. I want to help him on my own way.And I kept on saying how sorry i am for what i did and how much i love him.

bonsky posted 5/25/2013 21:17 PM

Thank you for your advice. I hope everything will be ok. Im just positive. I know that he can make it. He will be ok. We will be ok.

stilllovinghim posted 5/25/2013 21:22 PM

Gently, next time you talk, no matter how brief the exchange, apologize for what you did. Be specific for each apology. Tell him you love him and tell him why. DON'T say anything about expecting anything and ESPECIALLY not about YOUR forgiveness. Stop making this about you and your forgiveness.

This will take time. Be patient and loving. Let him really see that you mean what you say. Even if you do seperate, don't waiver. Apologize and remind him you still love him.
This is about him and his pain.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 9:28 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]

bonsky posted 5/25/2013 21:50 PM

He told me to make a goodbye letter for him. Like hes telling me that he wants a good memory of me.

In my letter i apologized again. I told him how much i love him. How sorry i am from what i did. I also remind him the times and the day that we are together. I didnt say any goodbye.

stilllovinghim posted 5/25/2013 22:51 PM

It may not seem like it now, but that's actually a good sign. Don't stop working on yourself. No matter the outcome the goal here is to get to your "Why's" and fix your shit.

bonsky posted 5/27/2013 23:02 PM

Last Sunday I asked him a favor, to be with me when we go back to our city. He was staying with her sister and i was staying with my sister-in-law. I asked him if we can go home together. He said yes. I told him that if we could be ok, no anger, no quarrels. He told me he will try. Im scared and nervous last sunday because we will see each other. In aftaid that he got mad and say something to me but it became smooth while we're waiting for the bus we talked with each other nicely, we talked again about our issues, i answered him honestly. I even made him a letter because he asked me to make a goodbye letter but i told him in the letter that for me its not a goodbye letter. He asked me also to write the things i didnt tell him about what happened. While we are travelling, we talked we rate each other ( both out negative and positive traits) when we arrived in our home we ate breakfast while talking with my mother. He asked me not to tell it to my mother what happened between us, he will also do the same. What if my mother will look for him? He said that just tell my mother that hes in other place. And if his parents will look for me he will also say the same.before he left i gave him the other letter i told him just to read it at their home. We said goodbye. I miss him that time because we will not see each other anymore. After that i took a rest, i slept but i woke up after 2hrs. Maybe after 10min he called me on the phone, he told me that he just woke up, her aunt texted him about something. He asked me if i want to go to their house if i want to see his parents. I said yes. He told me he will come here to fetch me. So yesterday we stayed at their house until 11pm. I asked him why he called me he tols me that from the moment he woke up i was the one hes thinking that he misses me already.

bonsky posted 5/27/2013 23:08 PM

Today he alreadry read the letter. I asked him what he feels after reading it? He told me that he cannot avoid me if we are near with each other. I ask him if he wants to leave. He told me he dont know. He also told me yesterday that starting yesterday he wants to be with me all the time.he told me also that he was the one whos asking for time and space but he was the one who look for me first because he misses me.

bonsky posted 5/27/2013 23:20 PM

He said that hes decision was unstable because now hes emotionally unstable. A priest told him that he cannot make a decision until hes not healed yet. Mybe when hes ok he can already make a decision because he will see both sides of it. If i will be ask, Im happy today because hes there, we have communication we still see each other because this is what i want. I want us to be ok. I want me and him until the end,but what if one day or the time comes that he doesnt want to go anymore?

stilllovinghim posted 5/28/2013 00:16 AM

From what you've said in your latest update things seem good. Still respect his space and don't push. His healing will happen on his time and it'll be normal for him to change his mind or get angry. The priest is right also. Your boyfriend does need to take some time before he makes a decision and in order to make a healthy decision he must first BE healthy; by healthy I mean his mental/emotional/spiritual sides and yes even physical.

If he eventually decides to cut it off with you, that's his decision hes entitled to. You must respect that as it is a consequence of your actions.

However, something concerns me. I've mentioned several times you working on YOU. Owning your shit. Getting to your "Why's" regardless the outcome. Are you working on that? You haven't mentioned it and that's what's most important. Are you terrified of being alone? You seem to still want to not do the work, just enough to eke by and to forget this whole thing happened and it's because of your fears as well as other things that you must address or else this relationship and any others in the future are doomed.

So, what are you doing to ensure this never happens again? What are you doing to make yourself safe?

bonsky posted 5/28/2013 22:13 PM

He told me that he doesnt care anymore if me and the guy will talk again. He wants me to add the guy again to correct my mistakes. Like if he will send me a message no matter how many times he will send a message i will ignore the guy already. But i told him no, i dont like to have a communication with him anymore. If I say STOP and NO i mean it. And i will no longer talk to him. The reason is after all what happened i dont have the guts to talk to him. I hurt my bf a lot i dont want that to happen again and i know my mistakes and i want to correct it without that guy anymore.

bonsky posted 5/28/2013 22:18 PM

I cannot scold the guy like saying " this is all your fault " "if you didnt start this, this will not happen" etc etc I cannot do that because This is my fault. Yes He has fault he knows that i have a bf before he started to talk to me but i cannot blame him because this is really my FAULT. And I think talking again to that guy or even adding him again on facebook is not a good idea. What can you say?

stilllovinghim posted 5/28/2013 23:02 PM

No Contact means just that. Don't friend him or message him etc. It is kinda weird your bf said to friends the ap, maybe he's testing you or trying to keep tabs, I dunno.

When I asked my question about what you were doing to ensure this never happens again, I wasn't just referring to the person you had an A with. I mean down the road in the future. With your current bf or a different partner. How do you know you won't cheat again? What work have you done?

bonsky posted 5/28/2013 23:51 PM

I never experience someone betray me but i can see and i feel my bf how hurt he is, i reversed the situation what if im on his place, im hurt also because i let this happen . i never think of him while doing that thing.I will never do that again to him or in case we will not end up together i will never do that again to my next partner. I will be honest with my partner i will tell him everything thats happening to me. I will be faithful. Even if someone will bother me, i will let my bf know it and i will ignore or tell him/let him (guy) know that i dont want to ruin my relationship with my bf because i love him and i want to be faithful with him. And very important is i will Pray. Prayer will help me a lot.

bonsky posted 5/29/2013 21:47 PM

Yesterday we see each other again. We talked again about our issues. We talked about what was the root why i did that.. one of the reasons was maybe i have a low self esteem, i remember,during the affair i was inspired by that guy while i dont feel it anymore with my bf, every time we had a fight he keeps on saying something to me that hurts me a lot. Im not blaming my bf because he was like that . And Im so dependent on my bf .I depended on him all the time that he said before that I should learn to stand on my own.

bonsky posted 5/29/2013 22:18 PM

He wrote a letter. I was reading it in front of him bacause i insisted to read it already.Hes planning to give it to me after my mother's birthday and its my mother's birthday today. in the letter he said that we should not see each other for 1 month, starting on the 1st of June. We will see each other again on the 1st of July. That will be the time that we will decide if we're going to stay or leave. Im sad about it and I still have the feeling of fear of losing him. Im scared that what if the time comes that he realize that we should move on and go on with our own lives? I love him so much. But this is life. God has plans for all of us.

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