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PurpleRose posted 5/24/2013 23:06 PM

My NB is off and running today.. I've begun the process of packing the marital home and will be moving in a week. It was so surreal, and so much more painful than I expected. WTH??

I'm so ready for this next step. My new place is amazing and will be all MINE! No memories or ghosts of the Dooosh to jump out at me. I really am excited. But why the breakdown?

So I have a friend who knows the pain of infidelity, and I can (and do)lean on him for moral support often. He is genuine and real with me.

I am so grateful that I can call him in complete mental case mode and he snaps me back to reality "you are beautiful and deserve happiness, you will find someone who is worthy of you, you are successful, have a rocking body, you have it all!" etc....

Says the right things. Tells me I'm so much more than the OW will ever be. He can always turn my frown upside down if you know what I mean.

I should be all sorts of happy and excited about all of this. What's my problem!??? I am feeling like I want to hang with him, but then feel like its wrong. ??? It's not wrong, I'm getting divorced. I am allowed to have friends, even male friends... Right??

I hate the mental madness!! Can't wait to see my therapist next week. He always gets me back on track.

My friend suggested I may be having some PTSD going on... I just don't know. Maybe I'm just rambling.

Sigh.

Nature_Girl posted 5/25/2013 00:22 AM

I think you should welcome safe support when it's offered. (((HUGS))) I hear you about the reservations, though. I still am not comfortable talking to any male, aside from one pastor at church and our family counselor. Other than those two men I am not comfortable even standing close to a man, let alone talking to or getting into a conversation with a man.

gma56 posted 5/25/2013 00:31 AM

You can have good male friends. It's all your life now.
I think when you finally are making the break it's like a when a kid graduates from high school. You breathe a sign relief they are ready to take the next step but sad because childhood is over.
Give yourself a month in the new place and the pain will be back where it was before moving, probably less.
Hugs and congrats on the new place !
Gma

dmari posted 5/25/2013 00:39 AM

PR, you have just been through a traumatizing event. On top of everything else, you now have to heal from the assault. I'm happy for your NB ... you so deserve it! And you have every right to receive support from whomever you choose. You say you feel that it is "wrong" ~ you may want to explore that further. It is nice to hear those compliments but at the same time, you should be telling yourself that!

For me personally, I am not ready to meet new guy friends. Focusing on discovering and strengthening my friendships with girlfriends and making new girlfriends have helped immensely in my journey. But that's the beauty of the journey ~ it's YOURS.

stronger08 posted 5/25/2013 03:40 AM

I personally have 2 very good female friends who subsequently had their own bouts of infidelity. Being cheated on myself I could tell exactly what they were going through. I reached out to them and support them throughout their ordeals. One is totally done with her Ex and the other is embroiled in a very bitter D. As I find the both of them physically attractive it would be easy to fall into a relationship with them. But I keep up strict boundaries as I would not want to take advantage of their vulnerability. Perhaps when things are all settled and they are healed from their trauma it could be rethought. But for now I feel its best not to offer any romantic interest towards them.

crazynot posted 5/25/2013 05:02 AM

Why the heck wouldn't you relax into your friendship with this lovely man? You can do what feels good!

PurpleRose posted 5/25/2013 08:12 AM

crazynot, I know it sounds crazy that I'm having feelings of my friendship being "wrong"-- I can see that but can't change the feeling yet.

I'm sure it's just that I'm not ready. I've read waaaaay too much to know if I'm not ready then I need to hold off. I certainly don't need any more drama, and the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings in the process.

Luckily he is so much further out in this ordeal than I am that he gets it. He is very patient with me and knows when to back off. Sounds great, right?

I know. I'm just not sure how to get into the mindset of being "single and allowed to mingle" as my daughter would say.

I am glad he's here. He was the second person I called when I was assaulted. (911 was the first). Why is everything so damn monumental after an affair rips you apart? Nothing is easy anymore! Is it just me?

Kajem posted 5/25/2013 09:12 AM

Boundaries....till YOU decide when you are healthy enough to date.

Don't let his proximity distract you from your healing. BTDT and it's worse to deal with it later. Boundaries and place him firmly in the friend zone till YOU decide your emotionally healthy enough to date.

Hugs,

K

PurpleRose posted 5/25/2013 09:17 AM

That's the thing Kajem.. I have my boundaries firmly in place, and have from the get go. I know he would like to step over them, he's told me so, but he is respectful of my feelings and where I am so far.

Lately I've found myself dancing around my own boundaries, so I'm trying to decipher that. Is it the heartbreak of the Dooosh having an affair? The anger over having to get divorced? The recent trauma of the assault?? A combo!?? None of the above!?! Maybe I'm ready to dip my toe in the pool a little?? My mind swirls, LOL.

I've recently caught myself being flirty back to him, and wanting to tread carefully, I'm exploring the weirdness of it, if that makes any sense!

hexed posted 5/25/2013 10:13 AM

PR - in some ways you may be ready but you've had too much craziness in your life in the last few weeks.

1) you're in the middle of a D
2) you were assaulted by someone you never imagined could do that to you
3) you are moving

Any one of those is reason enough to not add dating to the mix.

This guy might be great. He might even be just about perfect. BUT..timing is huge. I first met TG via mutual friends in March 2009. We were both a little more than a year out from our respective DDays. Both traumatized in different ways. We had both started dating again at that point. He seemed interested but wouldn't ever ask me out. I was busy with other things and people. We talked occasionally over the next year but not often. Suddenly in July 2010 we couldn't stop. Hours and hours on the phone every darn day. Almost 3 years later things are good. We had both done some healing and were ready for more. TIMING!

Wait! let things settle for a good long while before adding in dating. Nothing is more likely to doom a relationship than getting involved when you're dealing with too many other things.

PurpleRose posted 5/25/2013 11:34 AM

Thanks hexed.. That's mostly where my head is, but you know how going through this causes us to think, rethink, doubt, question and then think again??

That's where I find myself. I need to remember I am in charge now. Just me. I make decisions that are best for ME- not for us - but just me. I think that has been the biggest adjustment for me so far. I was always considering his feelings, desires, reactions. And I guess I forget, or just plain haven't learned, that I don't have to take his feelings into consideration any more!!