I'm so ready for this next step. My new place is amazing and will be all MINE! No memories or ghosts of the Dooosh to jump out at me. I really am excited. But why the breakdown?
So I have a friend who knows the pain of infidelity, and I can (and do)lean on him for moral support often. He is genuine and real with me.
I am so grateful that I can call him in complete mental case mode and he snaps me back to reality "you are beautiful and deserve happiness, you will find someone who is worthy of you, you are successful, have a rocking body, you have it all!" etc....
Says the right things. Tells me I'm so much more than the OW will ever be. He can always turn my frown upside down if you know what I mean.
I should be all sorts of happy and excited about all of this. What's my problem!??? I am feeling like I want to hang with him, but then feel like its wrong. ??? It's not wrong, I'm getting divorced. I am allowed to have friends, even male friends... Right??
I hate the mental madness!! Can't wait to see my therapist next week. He always gets me back on track.
My friend suggested I may be having some PTSD going on... I just don't know. Maybe I'm just rambling.
For me personally, I am not ready to meet new guy friends. Focusing on discovering and strengthening my friendships with girlfriends and making new girlfriends have helped immensely in my journey. But that's the beauty of the journey ~ it's YOURS.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
I'm sure it's just that I'm not ready. I've read waaaaay too much to know if I'm not ready then I need to hold off. I certainly don't need any more drama, and the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings in the process.
Luckily he is so much further out in this ordeal than I am that he gets it. He is very patient with me and knows when to back off. Sounds great, right?
I know. I'm just not sure how to get into the mindset of being "single and allowed to mingle" as my daughter would say.
I am glad he's here. He was the second person I called when I was assaulted. (911 was the first). Why is everything so damn monumental after an affair rips you apart? Nothing is easy anymore! Is it just me?
Don't let his proximity distract you from your healing. BTDT and it's worse to deal with it later. Boundaries and place him firmly in the friend zone till YOU decide your emotionally healthy enough to date.
Lately I've found myself dancing around my own boundaries, so I'm trying to decipher that. Is it the heartbreak of the Dooosh having an affair? The anger over having to get divorced? The recent trauma of the assault?? A combo!?? None of the above!?! Maybe I'm ready to dip my toe in the pool a little?? My mind swirls, LOL.
I've recently caught myself being flirty back to him, and wanting to tread carefully, I'm exploring the weirdness of it, if that makes any sense!
1) you're in the middle of a D
2) you were assaulted by someone you never imagined could do that to you
3) you are moving
Any one of those is reason enough to not add dating to the mix.
This guy might be great. He might even be just about perfect. BUT..timing is huge. I first met TG via mutual friends in March 2009. We were both a little more than a year out from our respective DDays. Both traumatized in different ways. We had both started dating again at that point. He seemed interested but wouldn't ever ask me out. I was busy with other things and people. We talked occasionally over the next year but not often. Suddenly in July 2010 we couldn't stop. Hours and hours on the phone every darn day. Almost 3 years later things are good. We had both done some healing and were ready for more. TIMING!
Wait! let things settle for a good long while before adding in dating. Nothing is more likely to doom a relationship than getting involved when you're dealing with too many other things.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
That's where I find myself. I need to remember I am in charge now. Just me. I make decisions that are best for ME- not for us - but just me. I think that has been the biggest adjustment for me so far. I was always considering his feelings, desires, reactions. And I guess I forget, or just plain haven't learned, that I don't have to take his feelings into consideration any more!!