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How can you tell if you're staying just for the kids?

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Rya617 posted 5/24/2013 23:16 PM

Sometimes I feel like I don't Iove my WH anymore. He cheated while I was pregnant and needed him most. He exposed me and my daughter to potential STDs. He was horribly mean to me during the A and all the while I didn't understand what was happening. He is committed to R but has held back pieces of what happened to "protect" me until a couple months ago.
After all this, I'm just not sure if I still love him or if I am just still here for the kids. I am hanging on by a thread. When he's with me I feel that I love him, I'm just not "in love" anymore. Does anyone else have these same conflicting feelings? Is there any hope for forgiveness?

Hearthache again posted 5/25/2013 01:34 AM

Yes I had those same feelings. While I initially stayed for the kids I am now staying for my H.

You also have to understand that even without infidelity marriages go through phases of "in love" and out. I have never not cared for my H. He has always been my best friend even though he hurt me.

I would suggest what I did. Give it time. Be honest with your WS. He should understand why you are feeling this. If he is a truly remorseful spouse he will try and make you fall in love with him again. Try dating over again. Start out with small dates. Just like when you guys were "courting" you will figure out if you fall back in love with him.

If it doesn't end in Love, then at least you can both say you gave it your all. No regrets that way.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 1:36 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]

Daisy312 posted 5/26/2013 06:53 AM

It still amazes me when I read posts here and people are in the exact same position as me! We have a 4 yr old an 1 yr old and I found out about the 7mo affair days before our youngest was born. I think I initially stayed bc of our kids. Even though I think I love him, if we didn't have kids I think I wouldve walked away on pure principle. There are days I still want to leave because I don't think he deserves me even though he is doing everything "right". I met a friend on one of these sites and she made a good point. We aren't just married to our husbands. They are fathers, and husbands. We have to look at the whole picture. When I do think about D though the first thing that pops in my mind is the though of being a part time mom which is something I never ever thought I would have to consider. I kills me!!!

Hearthache again posted 5/26/2013 18:40 PM

@ Daisy That is why I tried so hard and stayed 2 times. I did not want to raise my kids on my own. I gave it one last try. That way I could also look my kids in the eyes and say I tried and did everything possible for them not to have D parents.

If your DDay is around the time of your member ship, it sounds like you are doing well in the healing process. I just changed my status to R less than 2 months ago. I was not ready to say yes I am staying in this marriage for us until about the 3 year mark.

Give it time. When we are all in our 80's looking back at life the extra year or so will seem so small of a time frame that it will be worth it no matter which way things turn out.

Heavy Sigh posted 5/26/2013 19:04 PM

Just as you are having to wonder how much he really loves you and if he will do this again and is just staying for the kids..

He also will have to wonder if you would have dumped HIS arse cold if you didn't have kids, and are just staying for the kids. Let him worry and vomit. He deserves that.

Except, my negative self speaking here, I've learned from reading that a lot of cheaters rarely think of things like that - that the BS feels more trapped and captive in a marriage after D-Day, being the one parent who does think about consequences for the kids before acting on impulse and feelings (dumping a WS), than a WS has EVER felt before the WS started his/her affairs for escape, impulse or those over-rated feeeeeliinggggs. The WS after D-Day seem mainly just to get pissed that their lives aren't perfect and their BS'es are unforgiving, unaffectionate and drama prone (crying, asking questions repeatedly). Then whining all the time that things aren't exactly happy for three to five years.

It's always bad news for a BS to hear that time is the only answer when the idea of feeling the agony for one more minute is devastating news. But as HeartacheAgain says, a year in a lifetime that you are waiting for the sake of your children isn't a wasted year in learning who you're really married to - a nice guy who made a mistake or a guy who feels entitled to have affairs when he wants. (Exception: Any spouse or kid being abused, and marriage should end that minute and the spouse walk out.)

Either way, you'll be having to deal with this guy the rest of your life until the kids are adults and then afterward at births of grandchildren and so forth. This year will let you know if you'd rather spend the next 18 years and plus dealing with him from a distance as an ex or in your home as your husband.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 7:12 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

heartache101 posted 5/26/2013 19:28 PM

I stayed for the kids.
I came from a broken home. Did not want that for my kids.

I agree marriages have ups and downs.
For me this year is a down year.
But I went off my Paxil and am trying a healthier lifestyle so I am sure once that levels out I will be back to a better mood

Look we are all human we all make mistakes big and small.

I love the husband I have now! He is a great man works hard provides well for me. He just has a few quirks.

I am thankful I stayed. But there were years I was not.
The reason is we did not get it out we did not work on the what happened and the whys etc. You have. You haven't allowed him to rug sweep. He didn't get to keep his secrets. Now he doesn't remember etc.

Don't push yourself into making a decision stay or go. Just take it a day at a time. Look at who he is now.
Good luck honey.

Rya617 posted 5/26/2013 23:39 PM

Thank you everyone, it really helps to hear from others in these same situations. I sometimes feel bipolar with the emotions I feel, but it seems they are normal.

Well said; take it one day at a time.

Love is scary as hell and it hurts so bad

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