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Bellecatprincess posted 5/25/2013 01:54 AM

Today I posted wanting positive R feedback. I felt that I had finally got that ahhh haaaa moment from my WH.

Well tonight he had to work late. I kept checking the tracker and he was at work so I thought I would go and surprise him with dinner. Well I drove up and he was walking out. He tried to get me to pull around the back and then I saw her the OW. I got out to confront her and she said she didn't know she was the OW. I then tried to get him to choose between us and he wouldn't. I kept asking him about all of the work we have been doing. The trip this weekend and he just stood there. He asked me why I was there that I wasn't supposed to be there.

Now tonight he is begging me to work on us. He didn't choose me in front of her, he told me to leave.

So tonight I am no longer in the happy almost R bubble I thought I was in. I have to figure out how to be done. How to turn my mind and heart off. To realize he was never really mine.

mesoSTUPID posted 5/25/2013 02:09 AM

Belle, I am so sorry...

HardenMyHeart posted 5/25/2013 02:15 AM


silverhopes posted 5/25/2013 02:18 AM


How horrible of him. You go to surprise him with something nice, and not only is he there with the OW, but then he puts you down in front of her by not choosing you.

Take care of yourself and your heart. We're here for you.

kansas1968 posted 5/25/2013 02:20 AM

OMG, my heart is breaking for you. I think that is every BS worst nightmare. Confrontin them and him not choosing you. What a sap.

How can they put you through that false reconcilliation. Thinking you are working on your marriage when they are still seeing them. After they have seen you pain. It is just beyond me. So, so, sorry. It is hard to turn your heart off, maybe impossible, but he has got to know you are serious about leaving him.

Time for 180 and attorney. Hugs.

authenticnow posted 5/25/2013 05:54 AM


I'm so sorry.

Time for the hard 180 while you figure out what steps to take for YOU.

gonogo1 posted 5/25/2013 06:27 AM

(((Bellecat))) Hard 180 for you to get your bearings . Breath Breath . I have been right where you are ,false R . Need to find strength in just finding you and what you want , to choose what is right for you . To be able to know in your soul that the decision is right . Make no decision based on pride make it based from a place that you know that the inner voice says is right just for you ,Base it on strength .On what you want .Only you know what's right for you , in meantime lawyer up and be prepared for battle . Look after you .

LivinginLimbo posted 5/25/2013 06:41 AM

I cannot begin to imagine how awful this was for you.

I am so sorry that it ended this way.

OptimisticWife posted 5/25/2013 06:43 AM


I'm so sorry to read about what you are going through. Look after yourself. You deserve so much more

Tred posted 5/25/2013 06:49 AM

I'm so sorry. False R is something for yourself today.

sailorgirl posted 5/25/2013 07:03 AM

He expects you to work on the marriage while he continues the affair??

After all this time, OW still didn't know that her boyfriend is married?

I'm so sorry, Bellecat. Let the fact that he dismissed you and stayed with OW fuel your anger! Anger will help you be strong and 180 his pitiful ass.

Knowing posted 5/25/2013 07:19 AM

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. When I was reading your post I thought of a book.

"When Good People Have Affairs" my Mira Kirshenbaum was written for the WS in your very situation, where he wants his M but can't let go if the A or vice-versa. That's what the book tries to do, help the WS make the best decision they can under the circumstances.

In early A recovery it was one if the few free books we could get at the library. It helped us both see that we wanted to be together (much to my surprise my fWH/M scored very high on my satisfaction questionnaire.) It's a neutral approach to figuring out if you want to be with your spouse, your AP or alone. I thought it was a great way to uncover the truth about whether or not we should stay together which is all I really wanted to know in the beginning. Because, honestly, after all the years of dissatisfaction with my M And pain of betrayal heaped on top, I wasn't sure I wanted to stay with him and I felt I had no way to assess that.

twodoves posted 5/25/2013 08:54 AM

I'm so sorry Belle :(

soveryweary posted 5/25/2013 11:39 AM

I'm so sorry this has happened. Sending hugs.

jo2love posted 5/25/2013 12:04 PM


I am so sorry.

DeadMumWalking posted 5/25/2013 12:10 PM


I am so very sorry for your pain.

You know you are worth so much more than this don't you?

Be easy on yourself now, just take some time to breathe. Drink plenty of water. Have a good cry. Lean on us, we are here for you. We truly GET how you feel.


avicarswife posted 5/25/2013 18:03 PM

I am so sorry Belle.

It appears he wants to cake eat. He effectively choose her when in front of her and then later with you tries to back pedal and make out like he was choosing you.

He asked me why I was there that I wasn't supposed to be there.

What kind of question is that to ask your wife?
You were there because you care about him, want your marriage to grow and as his wife are entitled to be there.

I am so sorry honey - you deserve so much better.

RidingHealingRd posted 5/25/2013 20:43 PM

Wow, his behavior is horrible. {{{Belle}}}

He didn't choose me in front of her, he told me to leave.

And this is why I would tell him to leave. Seriously, I would send him packing.

Remember it is NOT what they say, it is what they DO.

Do no put up with this.

Dare2Trust posted 5/26/2013 00:31 AM

Can I ask what this means?

I got out to confront her and she said she didn't know she was the OW

This woman didn't know your WH is married?

Wonderingwhy11 posted 5/26/2013 02:15 AM

Bellecatprincess - I am so sorry. I wish you strength during this. To find out about an A,led to believe working on R and find out the A is still going on is worse than the first DDay. Anyone who has gone through this knows the pain. He needs to be alone to figure it out. You need the time to decide what you want. Take the time you need. He needs to realize what he is losing before he can truly commit to R.

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