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H was upstairs playing poker on computer last night. I was just wandering around not really doing anything, just struggling with my thoughts, I have been feeling a lot of anger the last 2 days. So hard I don't know what to do with it.

I was on the porch talking on the phone and he came out and abruptly turned and went back in the house. I finished my call about 20 minutes. I don't want to run after him anymore and try to soothe him when there is no reason for him to be upset. Old pattern of mine, to try to fix everything, make everyone happy.

I went to watch tv with him and started to tell him news of our friend. He was cold and started saying that I had been downstairs for an hour and a half ignoring him while he was waiting for me. I stupidly started to defend myself and it became ugly.

He said,"I'm checking your phone calls, who have you been talking to?, I know I will find something". I told him to and that I would help him. I got very angry,"I will help you but while we're at it let's look at your history, the reality of what you have done". He kept turning it back on me, acting as if I really had done something. He kept repeating, "getting nervous, feeling guilty?" this is crazy.

I have nothing to hide and told him. He kept on and on. He went on the computer and started printing my call history, questioning a number that came up repeatedly, for many hours of calls, it's my son that lives in another state!

I became so angry, saying awful things to him, calling him names. "where is your soul mate now asshole" "look what you have done to me for that &%$#, *(%$#@ and so on. Awful, shameful things.

All in anger, then after I calmed a bit, I went to him and told him, "if you really cared about the pain I am in you would recognize that this anger is about my pain, hold me, tell me how sorry you are for doing this to me". Nothing.

I slept alone and he slept on the couch.

Now I feel so ashamed of letting my anger out in such a destructive way. I am also so angry that he treats me this way.

This is hell.

I was obsessing yesterday about retrieving his deleted texts. Now I think that maybe I should. If I am hurt enough, see the truth with my own eyes, I will be angry enough to make a decision. I just don't know if R is possible with this man. A thought keeps coming into my head, "if I were younger I would be gone in a heartbeat"

(((cantaccept)))

Blameshifting at its finest!

He is continuing to abuse you. He's not changing. Is he doing anything to work on himself? If not, do you want to be living like this for the next 10, 15, 20 years?

cantaccept,

I've read your profile and most of your posts: Your ongoing pain and sadness are so difficult to read.

Only you can decide when ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I'm just so sorry for all the pain, anger, and disrespect you continue to endure.

..sounds like no way to be living your life and by the description of his actions, you are in for a life of his resentment and abuse..

..you must be the one to take control of your life and start by adopting the '180' for starters..

..inform him that you will not tolerate his abuse, and if his actions do not improve, he must leave the marrital home.. make him realize that the A he had/has going on is the reason for upheaval in both your lives..

..you have every right to be very angry and show it.

There is definitely a place for anger and you need not be ashamed for showing it.

..don't be a pushover to his rage.. if he knows he can manipulate the situation by blame-shifting it onto you , he will.. if you let him!!

..hold your ground.. you are in the right here, not him and he should be made to know it.

..he sounds like a self-entitled BULLY from what you've said.

..are your sons aware of his abuse??

sending you prayers and strength for the long tough road ahead.

DON"T UNDER_ESTIMATE THE POWER YOU HAVE!!! be strong, be confident..

..have you sought out legal advice?? get your ducks in a row.. protect yourself, just in case you have to make the BIG decision to start anew!

keep posting and reading here. you have friends and allies here.

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 11:13 AM, May 26th (Sunday)]

I have made mistakes in anger and said things I regret and am deeply ashamed of. I get past the point of no return in my anger where I let it rip and it does so much damage. Try to recognize when you are getting too angry so as not to get carried away. I had a talk last night with WW and it didn't get loud for once but w left the room before long. I used to get so mad and impatient I would keep coming back for more and saying anything that came from my anger and it was damaging.

Also I'm thinking your H picked up on an inconsistency and became insecure and angered and that was why the episode? I have this problem with w....sometimes I'm out of it or I'm thinking about the A or something else and w notices and becomes cold...possibly perceiving ambivalence. Then I pick up on w suddenly acting cold then it's a downward spiral. I wish I knew how to just turn it all off.

This just seems to get worse and worse. This morning before I left for work, we started talking. Him telling me that I am not progressing but getting worse. Telling me that I will never get over this, so why bother.

I tell him that he has the power to help me , that I can heal myself but I cannot heal the marriage alone.

I tell him how much it means to me when he expresses remorse, when he is honest emotionally. I try to let him know, make that definitely let him know when he does something that makes me feel good. Last week one morning he did open up a bit, expressed emotions, I followed up while I was at work telling him how much it meant to me, how it affects the way I feel about him and about myself. I showed him that night, I am here! I want you to want me, show me, prove to me that I am special to you.

Now he is texting me while I am at work, everything good in our relationship is lost, day by day I am losing all hope and happiness.

I am crushed by his decision to have an a and then leave me and he is losing hope? why can't he understand? He is causing me more pain and still he just gives crumbs