"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"
H was upstairs playing poker on computer last night. I was just wandering around not really doing anything, just struggling with my thoughts, I have been feeling a lot of anger the last 2 days. So hard I don't know what to do with it.
I was on the porch talking on the phone and he came out and abruptly turned and went back in the house. I finished my call about 20 minutes. I don't want to run after him anymore and try to soothe him when there is no reason for him to be upset. Old pattern of mine, to try to fix everything, make everyone happy.
I went to watch tv with him and started to tell him news of our friend. He was cold and started saying that I had been downstairs for an hour and a half ignoring him while he was waiting for me. I stupidly started to defend myself and it became ugly.
He said,"I'm checking your phone calls, who have you been talking to?, I know I will find something". I told him to and that I would help him. I got very angry,"I will help you but while we're at it let's look at your history, the reality of what you have done". He kept turning it back on me, acting as if I really had done something. He kept repeating, "getting nervous, feeling guilty?" this is crazy.
I have nothing to hide and told him. He kept on and on. He went on the computer and started printing my call history, questioning a number that came up repeatedly, for many hours of calls, it's my son that lives in another state!
I became so angry, saying awful things to him, calling him names. "where is your soul mate now asshole" "look what you have done to me for that &%$#, *(%$#@ and so on. Awful, shameful things.
All in anger, then after I calmed a bit, I went to him and told him, "if you really cared about the pain I am in you would recognize that this anger is about my pain, hold me, tell me how sorry you are for doing this to me". Nothing.
I slept alone and he slept on the couch.
Now I feel so ashamed of letting my anger out in such a destructive way. I am also so angry that he treats me this way.
This is hell.
I was obsessing yesterday about retrieving his deleted texts. Now I think that maybe I should. If I am hurt enough, see the truth with my own eyes, I will be angry enough to make a decision. I just don't know if R is possible with this man. A thought keeps coming into my head, "if I were younger I would be gone in a heartbeat"
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie