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October D-Day

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OnceUponaDream posted 5/25/2013 06:21 AM

In October, I received a call from my friends husband. He had caught his wife and my husband dirty talking with each other in the phone and found dirty pictures that she had emailed to my husband. We had been living in California at the time and my friend in Michigan. When I received the call, my husband was visiting Michigan to visit colleges. We were going to be moving back soon and he wanted to start school when we returned. To make matters worse, I had given birth to our second child in July and had a difficult time with the c-section, which my husband had no compassion over. He had gone out of town to Michigan with various excuses 4 times in the past 6 months. I now know he paid for it using a credit card he was keeping secret from me.

The OW was, I thought, my best friend. We had known each other since the first grade, were in each others weddings and everything. I never thought my husband would cheat on me, but he did. And if there was anyone I thought he would stay away from if he was going to cheat, it was her. And if there was anyone who should have stood up for me it was her. I've been betrayed on so many levels that its hard to know where to turn.

Long story short, the fig lasted for a couple of months before my husband stopped talking to her. He told me several times that he wouldn't talk to her but each time, it was only a week or two before I had confirmation that they were still communicating. I have not found proof that they have been communicating for about 4 months now but I don't even know if I can believe yet that they are not in contact. Sometimes I feel like its only a matter of time before I discover they are still continuing the affair. Part of the problem is that she kept harassing my husband even after he told her not to talk to him, so I'm convinced she will still try to contact him eventually.

My husband and I wrote a no contact letter but have never sent it. We waited to send it at first because he was about to receive benefits from his job and didn't want to lose those if she reported him. I agreed to this because the benefits he could have lost would affect me and my kids too. But now, he still says he doesn't want to send the letter because he is afraid it will start drama again after she has finally left him alone. I'm afraid that its just an excuse. Should I tell him I want to send it anyway?

Also, for a little while after I found out, I talked to the OW's husband sometimes. As I said, we were friends and we would talk just sharing how hurt we were and also sharing information. Well, the OW or my husband obviously didn't like this. My husband, after a while, told me he wanted to work on things but that he wanted me to stop communicating with the husband. I did because I was not close friends with the other husband, but I wonder if that was a fair thing for my husband to ask. Or was that just a ploy to get us to stop talking so it was harder for me to get information and be able to catch him in lies?

We have now moved back to Michigan (where the OW lives) but my husband says he wants to be with me and work ob things. I believe he tries ti make me happy, but the problem is that I don't feel like he is listening to what I want. He does things he thinks I will like but not a lot of things I ask. We have not gone to MC because we haven't found one here yet. What's a good resource to locate one? I'm having a hard time deciding if this is more because we just moved and have been super busy or because he doesn't care. Sometimes I feel like he says he wants to fix things but isn't willing or ready( or maybe doesn't understand how much it takes) to commit 100%. How do I tell?

Also, it's strange because most of my anger is directed at her. I feel such an immense hate for her now that I don't even feel like myself. In not a hateful person at all. I have never, in my life, said I hated anyone. But I can say beyond a doubt that I hate her. I hate her with every ounce of my being. But why don't I feel the same anger toward my husband? It doesn't make logical sense to me. I mean, they are both equally responsible for what they did. It's very confusing.

There's so much to say, I could go on forever. This is my first post and I am hoping to get some insight, support, empathy, anything. Thanks for listening.

UKlady posted 5/25/2013 06:49 AM

OnceUponaDream - I am pretty new here myself and just want to let you know you've come to a very good place. It really sucks to be here but at least there is this support. I don't think I'm in a position yet to give very much advice but I do welcome you here and know that you will receive some excellent advice here and be among like minded people always ready to listen.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/25/2013 07:19 AM

First of all (((UnceUponADream)))! You sure need hugs right now! And welcome to SI; not where I want anyone to have to turn to but a great site to get advice a support that you need during this crazy time in your life.

I'm kinda new to this too, but I'm going to tell you to go with your gut. Your heart will tell you one thing and you'll want to believe it but your gut is obviously telling you something else.....go with that for now. Do whatever you have to do to either get proof that something is going on or the proof you need to know something is not going on. Being in the dark is NOT a fun place to be and with so many "I wonder's" going on in your head you will drive yourself mad!

It took a long time for me to find out about my WH EA but after I did I found all the proof I needed! My gut had told me something wasn't right for over a year before D-Day but I went with my heart. Wrong choice for me!

Right now you have to do what is best for YOU and your kids! I truly hope that he's telling you the truth but, unfortunately,and I don't mean to sound cruel, he has lied to you in the past and kept secrets from you so it's hard to trust a compulsive liar.

I hope you find some peace in the whole mess. I'm rooting for you!

doesitgetbetter posted 5/25/2013 11:33 AM

I'm so sorry you are here!

The hate that you feel for the OW is completely typical. It's easy to feel negative feelings towards someone that you don't have to sleep with every night, who didn't make children with you, who didn't take vows to love you forever, who isn't there everyday having breakfast with you. It's totally common to demonize the OW and lay all those painful emotions on her, because placing those emotions on our WS's means that we are accepting that our loving, wonderful, happy, committed spouses are, in fact, capable of hurting us in the deepest, cruelest ways possible. Who wants to live with that knowledge? Not anyone that I know.

It also doesn't help that, because she is your best friend from childhood, you probably thought of her like family, like a sister. It's very hard to admit that a family member could do this to you as well. It's hard to admit that a family member would want to stab you in the back repeatedly. It's hard to admit that you didn't know a family member as well as you thought you did. It's hard to admit that you have trusted someone who obviously didn't deserve your trust. It's hard to not feel like the fool. But you're not, you're not the fool. You are the person who loved, and cared, and shared, and trusted, and had hope, and dreams, and faith. The other people involved (WH and OW) are the ones that are flawed, broken, damaged, deceitful, lying, cheating, scoundrels. You gave unconditionally, and they took the chance to exploit that for their selfish reasons. That falls on them, not on you.

IMO, you should maybe keep in contact with the BH. Does he know you guys now live in Michigan? He should. He should be aware of the elevated threat level on his own marriage. Honestly, I'm quite shocked that you went ahead and moved there knowing that the AP was there and DDay was so recent. I'm not sure if that will end up being a good thing for you or not. There are other colleges that WH could have attended in other states, I'm sure is money would be green enough for any of them.

Keep a watchful eye. Put a VAR in his car. If he has a secret cell phone, then you'll hear him talking on it and can connect the dots when the phone calls don't show up on the cell phone bill that you know he has. I just have a very bad feeling about this since he had such a hard time cutting contact to begin with, then filled you with some bogus reasons to not send NC, and now refuses to send it at all. It's not sounding like a truly remorseful WS who is not involved in an A at the moment to me.... or at minimum one who wants to resume the A at some time in the future without having to explain to the AP why he told her where to go and how to get there.

Be watchful, be very watchful!

ButterflyGirl posted 5/25/2013 11:55 AM

Hi OnceUponaDream. So sorry you found us.. There is a thread down in "I Can Relate" for people who have suffered a double betrayal (their spouse and a friend), so maybe you can find some help there.. The Healing Library is also fabulous, so read it if you get a chance..

I agree with your gut here. A NC letter is important, and his reasons for not wanting to send it are bull. I hope you put the threat of a harassment charge if she continues to contact you guys in there.

Not wanting you to speak with the betrayed husband does seem fishy to me. Like he wants to keep you in the dark. It really sounds like he's trying to isolate you from them so you don't keep tabs on things.

You don't feel like he's really listening to you? I'm not surprised, especially given that he isn't being supportive of the things you need to heal. He should be willing to do and let you do anything you need to heal..

I'm a little worried you have so much hate for your OW and not for your H. You should be hopping mad the way he has treated you (secret credit cards?? broken NC?? no compassion after your C-section?? AAArgh!! that makes me mad just thinking about it!!). DON'T give him excuses and let him cross your boundaries without any consequences.

I know you want your marriage to work, but I think the best way to get it back to something healthy is to be willing to lose it. Let him know crossing your boundaries will NOT be tolerated and that they will have consequences, up to and including losing you. If he always feels like he can do whatever he wants and get caught and you will always be a doormat and try to work on things, he has no incentive to change.

I've seen tons of times on here where the wayward spouse does not wake up and true R does not begin until the betrayed spouse starts putting their foot down. Yes, you may lose him this way, but then he was never going to change or be faithful anyway.. Stick up for yourself girl and demand what you need to heal!!

Big hugs..

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