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Man people, boundaries! Vent.

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cayc posted 5/25/2013 06:58 AM

I posted last week about a bunch of different guys, one being a work colleagues who is going through a D and inappropriately professed his "desire" for me. And to whom I told no straight up and why.

He's continued to be friendly, and for the most part in a helpful way. My job is such that it requires that you be open and talkative with people. I'd explain in way that makes it clear but then I be pretty much telling you what I do for a living and that's TMI for a public forum so you're just going to have to take my word on it.

I thought by telling him no in no uncertain terms that things were handled.

This week I had a tough extra project that I had never done before. He was of great assistance in pointing out aspects that I needed to consider to get things done. He has done the task before so was sort of my SME (subject matter expert), I really appreciated his help and told him so. On the day of the event I arrive bright and early to a good luck post-it and a bottle of my favorite local mineral water. What a nice gesture given that I was going to be riding around in a car all day without access to water/food unless I brought it myself.

So. He checked in by text a few times that day "need anything" b/c he was a base location and I had arranged for him to be my person on the ground in case the shit hit the fan.

All good.

Until I woke up this morning to a post on FB on HIS wall, tagging me, and say what an awesome job I did at my super duper important event. WTF???? Three colleagues had already seen and checked "like" and one had commented "yes, she did!"

But f*ck me, bc in my mind it 1. makes it look like *I'M* bragging and begging for compliments 2. I don't put work shit on my FB (except for my location and posting) and 3. HOW FUCKING UNSUBTLE DUDE, I GET IT, YOU LIKE ME, NOW STAND DOWN.

Grr. Sorry, yelling at the wrong people here, lol. So I hid the post on my timeline. Sent him a note that thanked him, told him I thought the post made it look like I was bragging, that I had hidden on my feed, and that I expected him to remove it. And that he was being unsubtle.

I didn't chastise him any more. But, how do I put a stop to this? Dude, you like me. You have the hots for me. Got it. Now stop it.

Seriously, why don't people have boundaries? Why can't people take no for an answer. It boggles my mind!!!!

Not looking for advice here. I know what to do next to stop this. Just venting. God help me. I'd say I loved the protection that having a wedding ring gave me from this kind of crap but then lol we all know how well a ring works as a boundary marker for some

[This message edited by cayc at 7:01 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]

phmh posted 5/25/2013 07:31 AM

Oh man, I can definitely empathize! Some people just don't get it and are so persistent. I hope you're able to shake this one quickly!

gonnabe2016 posted 5/25/2013 23:30 PM

. makes it look like *I'M* bragging and begging for compliments

No it didn't. It was on His page, not yours.

cayc posted 5/27/2013 14:43 PM

To update, I sent my colleague a message telling him to please take his FB post about me (that tagged me!) down. Here is his response.

I'm very sorry for having embarrassed you with my FB post. I know you
are shy and self-conscious; I should have realized you wouldn't
appreciate having attention drawn to you that way. Please forgive my
being a little dense on that point. Which begs another...

This making a bit of a fool of myself over you thing I've been doing...
well, I've thought you were enjoying it... and maybe it was even
helping re-build your confidence. Now I'm not so sure. I hope I
haven't just been a pest or a nuisance. Being uncertain on this point,
unless I hear otherwise from you I'm going to back off that
completely. Please know I meant no harm, much to the contrary actually.

So having said all this, please also know that I'm no less your
friend than ever. To the contrary, I just want to make sure I'm being
the kind of friend you need.

Holy shit. This asshole is blaming me! He takes no ownership for his own behavior and tries to be an unsolicited KISA, and denigrates me in the process. Calling me shy, self conscious, and lacking confidence that he needs to rebuild for me??? You motherf*cker, I'm an introvert. I'm not shy, I'm not self conscious and I damn sure have PLENTY of self confidence. I read this and was enraged. How dare he make it my fault that he's being an idiot????

So I responded:

I didn't like the FB post because it wasn't your place to do it. You are neither my supervisor nor my boyfriend. It has nothing to do with being shy or self conscious. It has to do with what is appropriate.

My self confidence is fine so I'm a little stunned that you thought ignoring my very clear "no" was the thing to do & that you thought my "no" had anything to do with self confidence & that by ignoring my boundaries, you were doing a good thing.

And now it feels like your offer of friendship is based upon wanting more & running me down by acting as if I need something.

I just don't understand how my saying I don't date married men, I'm dating other people & my non-reciprocation when you were too free with compliments led you to believe you were doing me a favor. But frankly I don't believe that was your motivation. I think you were just ignoring my boundaries, & the FB post, and trying to pretend its only wrong bc of my character flaws (when in fact it is wrong bc it wasn't your place) is symptomatic of that.

So I'm going to repeat myself. I do not date married men. I have someone I'm interested in.

His response was to say he was sorry and he had misunderstood. But it boggles my mind. I just don't see how someone can misunderstand "I do not date married men. I have someone I'm interested in."

phmh posted 5/27/2013 15:17 PM

Not to thread jack too much, but there is a guy who is interested in me. I have told him exactly this: "You are way too old for me. You creep me out. I will never date you." And he keeps asking me out! (Now I completely ignore him.) I seriously wonder what some people hear when you talk to them!

My jaw fell when I read how he was blaming this on you -- as if that would make you want to befriend or date him? UGH!

Amazonia posted 5/27/2013 16:37 PM

I have noticed this. There is a breed of man (possibly person, regardless of gender, but I've only seen it in terms of romantic relationships I've been in with men, so that's the extent of my personal observation) who make assumptions about what someone in their life wants, and then act on that. Their presumption seems to supercede reality for them. For this guy, he has gotten it in his head, from Lord only knows where, that you want a social bridge, and if he is an adequate social bridge, then you'll like him, yippee! Unfortunately that's not what you want, but he can't see that.

I've seen it play out in a number of ways, from the one guy who always bought me very expensive gifts that were not remotely my style, to the guy who insists on fancy restaurants every time we eat out, to the guy who tries to be overly macho instead of being himself, because he thinks that is what will impress women. I think my favorite was the pastor I briefly dated who refused to believe that I didn't want kids when I said I didn't, and spent a good deal of the time we were together showering me with accolades about what an amazing mother I would make, because he was convinced that I just wanted to be given the confidence to have (his) children.

I think that whatever they think we want is generally an extension of what they want. With the guys who spend too much money on the wrong thing, they want to see themselves as a provider, whether or not the woman needs to be taken care of. With the pastor I mentioned, he was really just looking for a womb to marry.

With your guy (who isn't *yours*), it sounds like he wants someone to take care of. You nailed him as a KISA. He wants to be needed, and connected to somebody, and to define himself through you. Maybe he's projecting his stbx's issues onto you? Maybe projecting his own? Maybe just generalizing and socially dense? Hard to say.

Actually, with the Ben and Jerry's thing earlier, my money would be on him assuming you're like his stbx, and his stbx being someone who wanted constant validation. B&J here says to me that he's been "trained" to take care of someone, and doesn't know anything else, so he's looking for a surrogate. Rather than take the time to get to know himself and learn to relate to new people (women) as unique individuals, he projects what he was trained for in his marriage onto his new relationships or conquests.

Edit: premature send. (Insert "oh honey, it happens to everybody once in a while, it's not a big deal!" joke here)

[This message edited by Amazonia at 3:02 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

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