There wasn't a woman. They were 2 that he has sex with, and maybe four that he only hung out with, nothing sexual he says, but he admits to making out! Oh and the sexual was 2 years ago, but the making out, last time was 3 weeks ago! They got drunk and dirty!
Before he told me I never saw it coming. In fact I thought we were working on our marriage. But everyday I had to remind him that he wasn't doing what he promised. The love, tenderness, being there, opening up, being close, doing things together, none of that he was doing. But he always replied "sorry, will do them".
When I found out, it was an email because he couldn't face me he said. I read it like 3 times, just for the words to sink in. I couldn't talk, was shaking and sweating, then I broke down, experiencing for the first time a break down, the real thing. can't breathe, crying, cant speak, cant stand up I actually fell on the floor trying to walk across the room. it was a combination of grief, anger, disappointment, severe pain, shock, way more than before. I mean he confessed about infidelity before but this time was something else.
He also told me that I was too good to be ruined by him. He never said he wanted a divorce but he spoke like he did. "I'll always support you, I'll pay the rent, I'm an asshole, you deserve someone better, I don't know if I can change, maybe yes maybe no, I might be a sex addict"
Then I told him that he and my step-son, who's been with me since he was a baby dumbed by his mother, and knows no mommy but me, they're all I have, if they leave I have nothing. I can't believe I can find the sanity and write all calmly about this now. Once I said that he said "But I don't want us to end, it'll be okay" and he kept repeating it.
I asked him the next day if he misses the women or the dirt they did together. To my surprise he answered "not really" I said "so it means yes you miss them a little?", he kept quite, then later he said "I love you"
He's been acting like the best husband ever since. He listens calmly when I'm angry. He hugs me when I cry (which is everyday), he took me out on a date and I still felt like a stranger with him. This has been something since he cheated 2 years ago, I always feel he's not my husband when we're out in public, I swear I feel like I want to point to our wedding rings all the time...
I feel so insecure with him. I don't what's natural and what's not. I've been cheated on and betrayed all over again. When we go out I feel like he's making out with all the girls I see. I feel he wants sex with them all. I feel im not enough. not dressed good enough, not looking good enough, even though I have the perfect body I feel that all the other women are sexier and more appealing to him. going out has been difficult, and now it feels almost impossible.
I feel new to SI even though I posted before. I have a new story now, a new me and a new husband. I feel my life is a foreign life that I can't embrace. I cant go to sleep and wake up in this life. I don't know what to do. Will he betray me again? why was he talking like he's leaving then all of a sudden changed and kept saying it'll be okay, he'll make us happy again, he loves me.. Did I beg so he couldn't stand it and he's staying because he's pitying me??!! I asked him that and he said "you woke me up" But I feel like all has been said before. He said before you woke me up, you saved me, you're all I want, I was blind, I was someone else.
What's different now is how he treats me. He treats me like he cares, like he loves me, like he wants me to like him..
I'm terrified. This new husband terrifies me. I don't know when his next hit is coming. I don't know if I'll ever be secure or partially secure, or happy, or laughing or even normally living my boring routine life.. I can't stop crying. I thought Dday was 2 years ago. The new one is 3 days ago. that sucks! I'm sorry this is long I know but I love it here and the people and the experiences though painful... I wish he becomes a part of SI but he won't. He registered long time ago but never really posted anything or cared to read.. Maybe I should ask him again..
[This message edited by BrokenT at 10:20 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]
I'm sorry you have been traumatized again. The key, I think, is seeing consistency in his actions with the changes you see right now. If they fade out then you know he's not sincere.
Is he giving you complete transparency? Is he willing to go to IC, MC, do the work that is necessary for R?
He needs to start answering all your questions. Staying quiet and saying he loves you is meaningless, it has no substance. You need to decide if he has it in him to do the work. Rugsweeping is not R.
You're going to have to be eyes wide open, no rugsweeping this time.
That is not him working on the marriage.
I'm sorry you find yourself back here.
In term of consistency, it's been only 3 days so we'll see what time shall bring. We can't afford MC or IC right now.
I do ask questions. He answers, but the sexual details he says he can't answer. I'm torn between wanting all the truth and not wanting the disgusting images haunting my mind, all over again, so when he seems to be having difficulty answering, I change the subject.. Now I understand things must be answered, I just need to get ready..
I'm lost right now.. And I'm exhausted thinking of what to say and what to ask and how to receive his words or actions..
but the sexual details he says he can't answer
It's okay to not make a decision right now. Try to get rest, be kind to yourself and take one day at a time.
After 4 months and sensing that I finally getting ready to leave him (thanks to the good advice of SIers), he finally revealed the real truth.
For me the key to getting over the feelings you are struggling with was to stop worrying about him, and start working on me. I 180'd and enrolled in IC. I started looking at what I was holding on so hard to. I started looking at why leaving him wasn't an option and realized it needed to be.
Can you adopt your stepson? I can't imagine losing a child I had raised from infancy and can see how that would make it hard to detach. It seems like if you had some parental rights to the stepson, it might make it easier to effectively 180 your WH.
Wait, watch, and work on yourself. Good luck.
