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All the new details...New husband

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BrokenT posted 5/25/2013 09:48 AM

I thought I knew what happened but 3 days ago I found out I knew nothing. My husband, this new man I can't feel I belong to, told me what really happened.

There wasn't a woman. They were 2 that he has sex with, and maybe four that he only hung out with, nothing sexual he says, but he admits to making out! Oh and the sexual was 2 years ago, but the making out, last time was 3 weeks ago! They got drunk and dirty!

Before he told me I never saw it coming. In fact I thought we were working on our marriage. But everyday I had to remind him that he wasn't doing what he promised. The love, tenderness, being there, opening up, being close, doing things together, none of that he was doing. But he always replied "sorry, will do them".

When I found out, it was an email because he couldn't face me he said. I read it like 3 times, just for the words to sink in. I couldn't talk, was shaking and sweating, then I broke down, experiencing for the first time a break down, the real thing. can't breathe, crying, cant speak, cant stand up I actually fell on the floor trying to walk across the room. it was a combination of grief, anger, disappointment, severe pain, shock, way more than before. I mean he confessed about infidelity before but this time was something else.

He also told me that I was too good to be ruined by him. He never said he wanted a divorce but he spoke like he did. "I'll always support you, I'll pay the rent, I'm an asshole, you deserve someone better, I don't know if I can change, maybe yes maybe no, I might be a sex addict"

Then I told him that he and my step-son, who's been with me since he was a baby dumbed by his mother, and knows no mommy but me, they're all I have, if they leave I have nothing. I can't believe I can find the sanity and write all calmly about this now. Once I said that he said "But I don't want us to end, it'll be okay" and he kept repeating it.

I asked him the next day if he misses the women or the dirt they did together. To my surprise he answered "not really" I said "so it means yes you miss them a little?", he kept quite, then later he said "I love you"

He's been acting like the best husband ever since. He listens calmly when I'm angry. He hugs me when I cry (which is everyday), he took me out on a date and I still felt like a stranger with him. This has been something since he cheated 2 years ago, I always feel he's not my husband when we're out in public, I swear I feel like I want to point to our wedding rings all the time...

I feel so insecure with him. I don't what's natural and what's not. I've been cheated on and betrayed all over again. When we go out I feel like he's making out with all the girls I see. I feel he wants sex with them all. I feel im not enough. not dressed good enough, not looking good enough, even though I have the perfect body I feel that all the other women are sexier and more appealing to him. going out has been difficult, and now it feels almost impossible.

I feel new to SI even though I posted before. I have a new story now, a new me and a new husband. I feel my life is a foreign life that I can't embrace. I cant go to sleep and wake up in this life. I don't know what to do. Will he betray me again? why was he talking like he's leaving then all of a sudden changed and kept saying it'll be okay, he'll make us happy again, he loves me.. Did I beg so he couldn't stand it and he's staying because he's pitying me??!! I asked him that and he said "you woke me up" But I feel like all has been said before. He said before you woke me up, you saved me, you're all I want, I was blind, I was someone else.

What's different now is how he treats me. He treats me like he cares, like he loves me, like he wants me to like him..

I'm terrified. This new husband terrifies me. I don't know when his next hit is coming. I don't know if I'll ever be secure or partially secure, or happy, or laughing or even normally living my boring routine life.. I can't stop crying. I thought Dday was 2 years ago. The new one is 3 days ago. that sucks! I'm sorry this is long I know but I love it here and the people and the experiences though painful... I wish he becomes a part of SI but he won't. He registered long time ago but never really posted anything or cared to read.. Maybe I should ask him again..

[This message edited by BrokenT at 10:20 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 5/25/2013 10:36 AM

So you know he cheated on you 2 years ago, and he has cheated on you again as recently as 3 weeks ago. What is it that YOU want? Do you want to stay around and wait for him to cheat again? When people tell you who they are, do you listen?

authenticnow posted 5/25/2013 10:49 AM


I'm sorry you have been traumatized again. The key, I think, is seeing consistency in his actions with the changes you see right now. If they fade out then you know he's not sincere.

Is he giving you complete transparency? Is he willing to go to IC, MC, do the work that is necessary for R?

He needs to start answering all your questions. Staying quiet and saying he loves you is meaningless, it has no substance. You need to decide if he has it in him to do the work. Rugsweeping is not R.

You're going to have to be eyes wide open, no rugsweeping this time.

Before he told me I never saw it coming. In fact I thought we were working on our marriage. But everyday I had to remind him that he wasn't doing what he promised. The love, tenderness, being there, opening up, being close, doing things together, none of that he was doing. But he always replied "sorry, will do them".

That is not him working on the marriage.

I'm sorry you find yourself back here.

BrokenT posted 5/25/2013 10:58 AM

Thank you Authenticnow. I wish I know everything that is to happen. This's the very reason I'm terrified. I don't know what will happen later.

In term of consistency, it's been only 3 days so we'll see what time shall bring. We can't afford MC or IC right now.

I do ask questions. He answers, but the sexual details he says he can't answer. I'm torn between wanting all the truth and not wanting the disgusting images haunting my mind, all over again, so when he seems to be having difficulty answering, I change the subject.. Now I understand things must be answered, I just need to get ready..

I'm lost right now.. And I'm exhausted thinking of what to say and what to ask and how to receive his words or actions..

authenticnow posted 5/25/2013 11:01 AM

but the sexual details he says he can't answer
Don't mistake 'can't' answer with 'won't' answer.

It's okay to not make a decision right now. Try to get rest, be kind to yourself and take one day at a time.

Althea posted 5/25/2013 15:44 PM

(((Broken T))) the feelings you are experiencing are so difficult. On Dday I was told by WH that he kissed one OW. All I had to go by in terms of proof were emails between them that only vaguely referred to what they had done. What he was saying didn't really sit right, but I didn't have anything else to go on. He initiated NC himself without me asking, so I allowed myself to believe that we were in R. He begrudgingly went along with transparency after a huge fight over it. But, in reality he was doing the absolute minimum I demanded. If I only requested it, it didn't happen.

After 4 months and sensing that I finally getting ready to leave him (thanks to the good advice of SIers), he finally revealed the real truth.

For me the key to getting over the feelings you are struggling with was to stop worrying about him, and start working on me. I 180'd and enrolled in IC. I started looking at what I was holding on so hard to. I started looking at why leaving him wasn't an option and realized it needed to be.

Can you adopt your stepson? I can't imagine losing a child I had raised from infancy and can see how that would make it hard to detach. It seems like if you had some parental rights to the stepson, it might make it easier to effectively 180 your WH.

BrokenT posted 5/25/2013 16:03 PM

Thank you for replying Hopeful. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm in no way capable of making a decision right now. But you're right about leaving, it should be an option even if I'm not to consider it now.
I don't think I can adopt my step-son for matters of nationality and other things. But I won't be able to provide for him or give him the life his father is giving.
I saw him tonight reading "How to heal your spouse from your affair", he read a little then put it down. He always tried to read this book.. Then when I was doing stuff around the house he came up to me saying "I'm sorry I hurt you". He's been saying stuff since Dday...
when you're betrayed once and you hear sorrow and regret you tend to believe it right away. But when you're betrayed again, you just hear everything for the second time. How can you ever trust what you hear? You already heard it all before...

Althea posted 5/25/2013 21:08 PM

You don't have to (and shouldn't) trust anything right now. You also don't have to make any decisions. Concentrate on yourself, get to the point where you KNOW you will be okay leaving. Meanwhile watch his actions. If he is serious about R, he will do the heavy lifting for fixing this mess he made and he will continue to do it over the weeks and months. It has been about 5 months since I decided to R the second time with my WH and I do trust him again. It isn't 100%, but I feel good about where we are at. Five solid months of him working hard on himself, working hard on our marriage, and working hard on helping me heal. Meanwhile I worked hard on myself. This was totally different than the first time around where I was carrying the weight of all of it and trying to hold it all together while he was still fondly reminiscing about the OW

Wait, watch, and work on yourself. Good luck.

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