There are many positives to going this route. The kids will be able to have more of an every day relationship with their dad. I potentially could schedule most of my work appointments during the 2 weeks they are gone (I'm contracted and paid per appointment). The kids seem excited. They both want to spend a week at each home.
It's going to be more work for XH and I to stay organized and in touch with everything that is going on. There are many details to work out. Right now, I handle it all. I tell him about different activities that occur during his weekends and parent/teacher conferences. With the boys at both homes, papers will be everywhere. How do you keep track of everything? Do the kids bring 2 copies of calendars/newsletters home?
XH said he will pay me CS for June as we start the new schedule. I'm going to make sure I can afford my expenses based on my income and savings. If I can afford things, XH will stop paying CS as we will be on a 50-50 schedule (as long as all goes well).
How do you adjust to this? Right now it appears that I'm the only one struggling with this idea.
ETA: When he goes back to work, if it's in the summer, he will send them to day camp or have his mom/someone watch the kids.
[This message edited by little turtle at 11:55 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]
3 boys: 10, 9, and 6 months
If you have a much nicer, better WS than I do, who also isn't just trying to get out of paying CS, I'd still be very careful. I don't know that agreeing to 50% is the best choice because its hard - if not impossible - to take back afterwards.
Sorry if I scare you....I realize each situation is different...but I wish I had posted here about the decision I was facing and someone warned me like this then. Good luck!
what does your decree say?
what do your kids want (I know they're young but still worth considering)?
what do you really want?
what is best for the kids?
do you co-parent amicably?
There are lots of things to consider. He can't just go changing the rules b/c he got laid off.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
I was just back at court this past week to start the steps to get them back to the old custody agreement.
You can read my posts to see what 50/50 did to my children. The legals part will costs me thousands but if I have to go bankrupt in order to get my kids back on the straight and narrow I will.
XH asked the kids this morning what they think about staying a week at XH's house and then a week at mom's and back and forth. DS6 said, "sure." I asked DS5 what he thinks, he said, "sounds good to me. 7 days with mom and then 7 days with dad." We won't know what they really think until it actually happens.
What do I really want? My kids to be happy and to have the best life they can. Even if that means I lose out on time with them. I can't imagine how it's going to be without them here most of the time. Except much quieter.
What is best for the kids? I wish I knew.
XH and I are amicable. Neither one of us asks for much from the other. He said he wants to keep the kids lives the same as they are now as much as he can. We agreed we will need a calendar/note system to keep things organized between the 2 homes. We didn't talk at all about going to court and legally making this change. I'm going to suggest that we try this out for a month or 2 and see how things go for the kids.
While this announcement kind of came out of nowhere, it's not the first time that XH's mentioned wanting more time with the kids. He just couldn't take them more before because he was working all of the time. I am worried about the transition when XH does go back to work. How he's going to work and take care of the kids at the same time... not just him, but how the kids will handle it.
Is there a standard 50/50 visitation schedule? What do people typically do?
Maybe such trying it for a month or until school starts. Then re-evaluate. A hard question to answer is how long will he be off work?
I might get a lot of grief for this but perhaps reducing CS and allowing more time until he gets back to work could keep things amicable w/o having to go to court and losing your legal rights.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
What is yours supposed to have? If he is supposed to have them 4 weeks anyway, then why reduce or stop child support now? You see he gets the same visitation he was supposed to get in the summer, but won't be paying u child support.
I would say, FOR THE SUMMER ONLY you could agree to the week here, week there, with NO reduction in CS ( aren't you having to provide a bigger home for them, clothes, toiletries, etc? What happens when you child wants to be in band, etc, and WH wants no part of it?
PLUS, what type of OW does he choose? My XWH is with a psycho. What type of family does the OW have? They will have a big influence on your children's lives.
I say, summer only, school starts it's back to reality and you can be making mental notes of what you REALLY want to do in Aug.
When school starts you can change ur mind, but for now keep it
We don't have a set visitation schedule. It would be more than 4 weeks in the summer though. XH wants to start this now, with my week being this coming week. Decree says whatever we agree on. OW has been out of the picture for years. My kids have no memory of her. XH would gladly support our child joining the school band or another activity. Those are to be agreed upon as well.
I'm going to talk with him about CS for sure. It's iffy cuz at divorce time I wasn't working at all and now I am. However, he makes way more now when he is working compared to before. Also need to make it clear that it will not stay this way if the boys have a difficult time. And lastly, I'm planning to move sometime in the next 2-3 years. I need to talk with XH about what will happen then. The purpose of moving is to be in a better neighborhood and school district for the kids. It's a matter of time since we foreclosed on our house and saving money to buy a house.
I'd still like to hear from people who have 50/50 and how that is working out. Goods? Bads? What are potential concerns/problems? How can I make this transition smoother?
He called me after reading the email and we basically argued about the CS. He feels he shouldn't pay me anything if it is 50/50 time. I have a masters degree and I could be making way more than I am was his excuse. He is unemployed, why should he have to pay me? And he said he will have to pay for day care and latchkey once he is working. It will cost him more to have the kids than it did to not see them as much. He commented that he should quit his job so I can pay him child support.
Ugh. I didn't know what to say. I simply mentioned it in an email and he went off about it. I think it bothers him that SO lives with me and works only part time. XH feels that he is supporting SO since SO doesn't contribute much to the household. However, he watches the boys for me while I'm working.
I'm now frustrated and Idk what to think. XH told me if I take it to court, things will get serious and he will fight for his kids. Sigh. Why didn't he fight for them when we divorced 4 years ago??
I can totally see that something similar will happen to me and the kids in the future, so reading your post gave me such a pit in my stomach.
I cannot imagine that any court would favor an erratic, unpredictable schedule such as what he's asking for. Since he's not working, couldn't he just have an enhanced role, such as picking the kids up from school each day, helping them with homework, and just more quality time, vs. shuffling them to and fro, and here and there once he gets hired somewhere? These children are the most important thing in this and need someone to advocate for the most stable life possible...without egos getting in the way.
I am so sorry.
Stick to the legal agreement that you currently have and put this in writing. If he wants to go back to court (which I doubt) you will have proof that you tried to work it out and he refused.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
He proposed a new agreement. There are some holes that need to be worked out though. New idea is that the boys will stay with him 2 nights during the week (Tuesday and Wednesday) and with me the other nights (Sunday, Monday, and Thursday). We will alternate weekends as we have been.
I am much more comfortable with this idea. However, there isn't a plan in place for the summer when he gets called back to work. It would be fine during the school year though. As long as we can stay on top of things and communicate with each other.
As far as CS, I agreed to a lesser amount (almost half) while he is laid off and he will pay me a little bit more than he previously was paying when he is working. I think that is a fair agreement. I think his stress about paying his bills is what caused the drama phone call last night. He has always made sure CS was paid first each month. It's a bit much for someone not working.
What do you guys think of this plan? Concerns? Suggestions? Tips for success?