Run, Forest, Run!
Please go to a counselor ASAP.
My clues that hs is not capable of changing on his own are:
1.Met her online, which means he was somewhere H are not supposed to be online and hid this from you.
2.Blames your lack of sex drive for the A, which means he will do this forever without help.
3.When your confidence was down, he did this.
Early in our marriage I was pregnant. I found out WH was at topless bars after work. I was devestated and wanted to leave. He promised not to go there again, but you see a sex addict sees nothing wrong really with trolling online for sex, topless bars, etc.
So, of coarse he did all these things in the last 15 years that we have now been together == every time he gets bored or real life is stressful or just when ever he wants because he doesn't really see anything wrong with it.
I have stayed because of the children, but guess what == he met someone else anyway. So, now we are all so broken up.
Please tell him he goes with you to MC by next Friday or you are done. You set up the appointment. AND YOU GO, because if you stay w him and you don't go to MC, eventually he will tell you he doesn't remember you asking him to see someone to help your marriage. You are the 39,000 person to sign up here, and all the WS say this over the years....
While in MC (and if he doesn't go, that was the dealbreaker for me, btw), while in mc really watch to see if he "wakes up" from the dream he is in that it's ok to be online looking for people when married.
Also, on this website is a section titled I can relate. You will find a section on there titled Dealing with a SA (Sex Addict). Please go on there and get informed and read about where your marriage will be 10 years from now if you don't get IC and/or leave him.
Also, don't keep the secret. Be bold. Does the 'hookup' have a husband? Tell him. Tell a friend, tell your WS WHOLE FAMILY, if they are normal people. It is better to have a huge blowout NOW rather than a small leak that goes no where. You want your WS to be hit with reality --- just the same if he physically "hit" you.
Also the book "Love Must Be Tough" really helped me. The author says the ONLY way to stop this sort of thing is to stop the line of respect from being crossed so blatanly. Everything in your post says he crosses the line of respect over and over bc he doesn't have any boundaries. Please get the book from your library or download it. It got thru to me so quickly ---like the 1st 2 chapters. And it's an easy read, because if you are like me, I could not stay focused to read. The first 2 chapters take about 20 min and it'll change your perspective quickly. He's been a MC for 30 years and has the best luck changing a WS when the BS stands up for them selves and says, NO NO NO!!! I am worth more than you doing this to me! Also, the author must realize that it's hard for us to focus and the writing on the pages is spaced far apart! It's on CD, too, I think.
(((hugs)))
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:31 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]