This week has been up and down. It started on Tuesday. It had been so nice my BH and I were working together actually had a few laughs and just were being. If that makes sense. Then Tuesday I started back at myself. I also had IC that day which we discussed the behavoirs that I am trying to get rid. Looking for problems where there are none. I was feeling this was to good, I shouldn't be happy at all, I know its going to crash and burn. So we discussed letting go realizing that I have no control over life and what will be will be. Also discussed my past SA and other life crisis that have happened in my younger years and how they affect my perseption of people and life. I don't trust no one. And the my need for knowing all is to keep myself safe. If I don't have that I loose it emotionally. I have walls that I have built around myself that protect me from pain. I have been wondering why my BH has said last year he disn't know there was a prooblem infact he thought things were getting better. What!! I was falling apart, I was spinning so fast I couldn't breath! But like my IC said my safety net is to put on a persona that all is great, don't let them see you crazy or emotional or upset. Learnt from my family. So really I wasn;t present. Thats why I haven't learnt anything, using old habits, dettach any nothing can hurt you. I fight that now. It so hard not to put the wall up. When I look at my BH and see his pain look in the mirror and see the pain in my eyes and look at my beautiful family I threw away! That was me. who did that. noone else.
After my appointment I was driving home and the AP was in his truck. I froze. He waved, OMG wTF. I just wanted to kill. and I was scared at the same time. I just wanted to get home tell my H. He asked what I did I said I looked ahead and kept driving and came home to tell yo. But i was afraid he would trigger, he said it was bound to happen it is a small town and we do travel the same street.
Then this horrible feeling of self loathing and mistrust fills me. I can't find the balance. I know my Spouse is going back to work soon so I was wanting to try and figure out what we can do to make things safer for him. And of course there is nothing. I just know when he goes away that he gets upset and angry. I don't know what he needs. Prefers not talking about it but.... We have good days and bad. Does a person just let go. And let life play out or????
[This message edited by Joanh at 12:54 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]