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Just one good thing

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HurtsButImOK posted 5/25/2013 14:43 PM

Right, doing pretty well most days. Starting my new life and I do love it, there is so much good and I am so very thankful for, well, just about everything. There are of course some very down days when the pain and all the lies just hit you like a ton of bricks.

Firstly I did well with NC for a 2 week straight period (yay me, small steps right). What I struggle with is not lashing out when I recall such ridiculous hurtful things he has said and done before we separated and texting this to him. Whilst on the logical side I know that me trying to hit him with it wont have any impact and that if he cant see it already then me restating it to him is pointless. I just want to get across how hurtful the fake lines really are, almost like needing validation from him that he can see the pain. Again crazy making because he doesnít and wont ever really understand.

My second difficult part of trying to process this crap is that I am really stuck on the fact that I cannot recall a single good memory that is untainted. Is this normal? I was with him 16 years, he betrayed me constantly, even in the early days, and I was willing to excuse him and buy into his lies. Now that he has admitted to sex with someone else I can see his behaviour follows a pattern so I know without a doubt its not the first time he slept with someone else. He only told me this time to ensure that I would break it off. He still thinks that persisting in a lie will make it a truth eventually. He is actually very predictable.

I guess what my question boils down to is, am I rewriting history or was is it possible that the relationship was so unhealthy that I am now having to face all that it lacked and see it for what it truly was? I hate the fact that as of this moment the one and only good thing that I can recall of the relationship is that it ended. That is so very sad after so many years of my life were invested in him and Ďusí. I truly want to remember one good thing so it doesnít feel like it was all a waste. Iím coming up blank.

Is it just me?

tesla posted 5/25/2013 20:50 PM

When I look back at my 10 years with ex-shat (7 of them married), I wonder how much of our relationship was ever about us or me. I feel like, looking back, he was an incredibly selfish man and the relationship/marriage was all about boosting his low self-esteem.

Here is the hard truth I think that I have arrived at or more likely - in the process of arriving at: the reason I ended up with this man is that I had issues myself. I accepted his brokeness because I was looking for easy fixes. Co-dependency, I now know, runs in my family. My dad and grandpa are co-dependents and since they are the people I admire the most, co-dependent I became.

Good news - there came a point in my marriage where I recognized that something with ex-shat and my dynamic was off...I started pushing to 'fix' it. I started changing. He didn't like it...he found a stripper whore to feed him the ego kibbles I wasn't feeding him anymore.

I still feel hurt and used by ex-shat. But I'm beginning to look at my marriage as the fire that refined and purified me. I am a different person today. I am a better person. Would I have made it here without the pain ex-shat put me through. Maybe. Maybe not.
I know this -- I am happy most of the time. And that is a huge improvement to rarely being happy when I was married.

I still get angry and want to lash out as well. I have some very trusted family members to whom I can unload a vent. I also run and go dig in my garden when I feel that lashing out anger welling up.

I completely get what you are going through. Challenge yourself to put it in a positive light.

bwok3 posted 5/25/2013 20:58 PM

He once said to me that our marriage has been the best years of his life. I said ya for you. He asked why. I said while you were out playing and cheating and haveing fun, I was at home raising the kids, cleaning and cutting the grass. HE JUST SHRUGGED!!!!

TrustGone posted 5/25/2013 21:10 PM

I know I felt the same way when I divorced XWH#1. We had spent over 20+yrs together and had two children so why couldn't I remember the good times. The problem was that neither one of us had ever really been happy in the relationship. Over the years I had outgrown his childish thinking and was spreading my wings in my new career after putting myself through college. He didn't like that at all. He could no longer control me or the situation. He had lost his hold on me. I had finally said enough was enough with the last EA he was involved in. I deserved more than that from him and I deserved more than that from myself. If he couldn't show me respect than I had to show it to myself or continue to be miserable. I choose the later and I have never regretted it. It is sad to spend your whole youth with someone and not have good memories of those times together. I do know that I learned some valuable lessons over those years and I grew as a person. That is what matters to me now.

persevere posted 5/25/2013 22:20 PM

Good news - there came a point in my marriage where I recognized that something with ex-shat and my dynamic was off...I started pushing to 'fix' it. I started changing. He didn't like it...he found a stripper whore to feed him the ego kibbles I wasn't feeding him anymore.

Something very similar occurred in my marriage. I was pushing him to address his drinking and I was dealing with my first experience with empty nesting, so he, for once, did not have 100% of my attention. The end result, he did not want to face his drinking, so he found other women who would accept it, and because I was distracted with focusing on myself (for once) I missed it.
But, in the end, I win. I no longer have to deal with the idiot.

Take2 posted 5/26/2013 07:37 AM

It is not just you.

Had it been just the one A after 30 years, I think it would feel differently, but learning that the cheating went back to the first year of marriage... I question if anything was real - if there ever was even an attempt to be faithful.

I acknowledge some good times, times when I was happy, but they occurred under the veil of deception. So yes, they are all tainted.

If I had known the truth - I would not have chosen to stay married. He knew that too. So he willfully defrauded me, and stole 30 years of my life. Why he did that, I'm not sure. The best case scenario is that he loved me (by his own skewed definition of love). But then, I've spent too many years filling in the blanks and inventing plausible reasons and excuses for what is inexcusable behavior. I'm done with that.

That being said - I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. My life was not always happy but it was authentic.

My life is based on a true story, (albeit one filled with lies and deception perpetrated upon me). But when my life collided with the truth, I was left with my DD's, DgD, and the love and support of family and friends.

His life was based on fiction, when it met with the truth - it fell apart.

Sadly this occurred because of all of us - he was the one who couldn't handle the truth. He just kept lying and blame-shifting, threatening, and lashing out. Maybe that is really why WS lie - and why the unremorseful WS's act as they do - because they are the ones who can't handle the truth of who they are.

Pass posted 5/26/2013 09:09 AM

I still feel hurt and used by ex-shat. But I'm beginning to look at my marriage as the fire that refined and purified me. I am a different person today. I am a better person. Would I have made it here without the pain ex-shat put me through. Maybe. Maybe not

I'm starting to feel this way too - by times - and it's great!

SBB posted 5/26/2013 16:47 PM

Tesla said it better than I ever could.

npain posted 5/26/2013 20:57 PM

Take 2, I think you have hit the nail on the head--they cannot come to terms of who they are, so they become even worse people by all of the lying, cheating, backstabbing, blameshifting and rugsweeping.

They then project their issues on us and call us selfish, controlling and bitter, when in fact they are the selfish ones. It took a long time to recognize my situation as an abusive one and to extract myself from it.

I am now a much healthier person. I too had a period of time when I couldn't remember one good times, because everything was so tainted. I now know that our marriage was sitting on a bomb from day one, because STBX lied about himself from day one and everything was build upon that lie. I have given myself some time to heal and now some almost 2 years later, I have come to realize that yes, I was not as happy as I should have been or what I portrayed to others. But going over nearly 15 years together will likely drive me crazy and I need to just accept that I will NEVER know all the pieces to the puzzle.

I simply have to accept that there may have been some good times, but some were staged for my benefit and predicated on a lie and leave it at that. I am someone who takes things apart by nature, so it was hard to do, but I have reached the place where I accept that the past cannot be changed, but I can learn from my mistakes.

With time, there will be clarity...

PurpleRose posted 5/26/2013 21:14 PM

Not sure why I am somewhat surprised when I read "our" stories here at D/S and see my story playing out over and over. It's a phenomenom I won't ever come to terms with I guess... we all have similar truths.


The Dooosh went bananas when I went back to school to finish my degree. I was finally doing for "ME" and not focused on "us" anymore - but just for a short amount of time. His selfish NPD ways took over, the ho-worker was primed and ready, and boom a perfect storm. Good riddance. I was there for him through sickness and health, rich and poor, never bending and always loyal to him. He couldn't give me the same courtesy? Asshole. Selfish broken asshole.

Anyway, this was incredible:

I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. My life was not always happy but it was authentic.

My life is based on a true story, (albeit one filled with lies and deception perpetrated upon me). But when my life collided with the truth, I was left with my DD's, DgD, and the love and support of family and friends.

His life was based on fiction, when it met with the truth - it fell apart.

Sadly this occurred because of all of us - he was the one who couldn't handle the truth. He just kept lying and blame-shifting, threatening, and lashing out. Maybe that is really why WS lie - and why the unremorseful WS's act as they do - because they are the ones who can't handle the truth of who they are.


I'll just say yes. That completely.

Nature_Girl posted 5/26/2013 21:59 PM

It's all tainted for me. There were some good times, yes, but now I see them as happening under the mask of the NPD good guy. The pain & anguish was there from the very first, right from our wedding night when he refused to make love because it was what *I* wanted to do. I denied & denied & denied what was happening through the years. I didn't even understand what was happening. After DDay, and especially after I kicked him out of the house and made all kinds of sordid & frightening discoveries in the garage (cue: groaning), I became truly frightened at the depth of deception & depravity that exist in the man I lived with and had children with. To know that his cheating heart was beating loud & strong from the first year of our marriage. To finally know what he was all about. There's nothing good left about our marriage.

HurtsButImOK posted 5/27/2013 02:07 AM

thank you all.

It is so reassuring to hear your experiences and know that I am not alone and that what I am processing is 'normal'.

So much incredible and hard won wisdom in all the posts. Thank you for sharing.

For all the pain and craziness this whole experience brings I am actually appreciating (for want of a better way to describe it) the journey. I have found me again and my joy.

ETA - he is still a bastard though

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 2:08 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

SBB posted 5/27/2013 05:04 AM

ETA - he is still a bastard though

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