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Can you have bad days in the r?

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cuppacoffee posted 5/25/2013 14:48 PM

We had a bad day. It's been 8 days since d day. We are determined to survive this and grow old together. We love each other.

I dreamt of them together last night and I woke up sad and cranky. Dh wants me to just get over if so we can build a new better marriage with each other. I told him I just need time alone for little bit and it spiraled into a fight.

I want to r right now and move on but I know it's going to take time.

Bad days happen right? It doesn't mean we can't r right?

Jrazz posted 5/25/2013 14:59 PM

Oh yes. There are really hard, bad days, even in R. That's what happens when you leave it to two human beings to sort it out.

The thing is... you should NOT be asked to just get over it. That's not fair or feasible. Is H up for some counseling or reading?


mesoSTUPID posted 5/25/2013 15:00 PM

I'm a year out and TODAY we are having a horrible day... You are really early on and bad days are bound to happen.

Althea posted 5/25/2013 15:04 PM

You will have bad days. Most likely a LOT of bad days. Rebuilding a marriage after an affair takes YEARS. It is a marathon, not a sprint. It sounds like your WH is still in the fog. This doesn't necessarily mean he is still cheating, but he is still in the A mindset. It can be justified, it is something you should just be able to get over, etc. You should both get into counseling as soon as possible.

In my experience, the more willing you seem to be to save the marriage, the less work the WS seems to think he or she needs to put in. Mine did the bare minimum until I got to the point I was done. Just something to keep in mind.

NoraLee posted 5/25/2013 15:35 PM

R -ing is hard - some days it's damned hard. I'm 9 months in to R and we still have bad days...crying, fighting, anger. There is no getting over it - only through it. Things improved significantly for me in month 5. That's when the endless questions died away. Month 7 is when I was ready to forgive. Now at month 9 - I'm soooo close to trusting again...sooo close - but not there yet.

My H has been remorseful, honest, transparent, patient and loving for all of these past months - and still I needed medication last night to help me through a rough spot.

One day at a time - and this article will help your H understand YOU and your feelings (and made me feel like I was behaving normally) print it off - read it together.

cuppacoffee posted 5/25/2013 17:24 PM

Thanks friends.

I think dh is more broken than I thought. He pulled out his gun today after the fight and tried to leave. I talked him out of it thank goodness. I just want us both to heal. I just don't want to bottle up my feelings.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/25/2013 17:30 PM

There is no getting over it - only through it

^THIS^ is so true!!

Of course you are going to have bad days! Look at what has happened to you and only 8 days ago?? I am in month 6 and most days are bad, there do seem to be longer stretches in between the good and bad now, but this takes years unfortunately. We never get over it. If we can survive it and truly R the marriage the best we can hope for is to build something new and learn to live with it, like when someone dies. You never get over it, but after years of grieving you learn to live with it or in spite of it.

NoraLee posted 5/25/2013 17:47 PM

Cuppa - can you be more specific about the gun incident? Has he done this before? Is it a ploy to avoid answering questions or dealing with the A?

What is your WH doing to earn reconciliation? 8 days is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to he transparent? Has he sent a NC letter? Is he answering your questions? What is he doing to make you feel safe?

I'm sorry - I've seen the "running off in the car with a gun thing" on here before (quite recently actually) and it's often just a tantrum. If you fear for his life, he needs medical intervention. If its a manipulation tool to take the focus off his douchebaggery then you mustn't feed it.

cuppacoffee posted 5/25/2013 18:06 PM

Sadly this is like the 7th or 8th time he's done that. He's been suffering from depression for years. He stopped going to therapy like 3 years ago and just started back up. He thinks ending his life will make all of the pain I'm feeling go away.
Unfortunately I know this time it wasn't him being manipulative.

He went nc the night he told me because I made him call her in front of me and then I deleted her completely from his phone. She texted back threatening him if he told on her to her bf. he has been trying to step it up as a husband and dad. He let me have the space I needed the other day. He has made me feel like he is here because he want us to work.

brokensunflower posted 5/25/2013 18:19 PM

yes you can have bad days .. my WH and I are like 8/9 months out and there days I wanna hurt him but I love him too much for that.. just remember to breath and take it one day at a time

NoraLee posted 5/25/2013 18:50 PM

Read the link I posted. If he is willing to do everything in that article, then you have a good chance at R no matter how many rocky days happen in the meantime.

Is your H on antidepressants? I'm glad he's seeing a counsellor again - it needs to be a condition of R that he continues.

When things settle a bit, I hope you give some serious thought to informing the OWBF about the affair. He deserves to know the lie he's living. He has the right to decide what's right for his life. I wish someone had told me...also it keeps another set of eyes on the situation to prevent any broken NC...

AFrayedKnot posted 5/25/2013 20:41 PM

He's been suffering from depression for years. He stopped going to therapy like 3 years ago and just started back up. He thinks ending his life will make all of the pain I'm feeling go away.

I would call 911. Have him held for evaluation. Violence to himself or others is nothing to mess with.

cuppacoffee posted 5/25/2013 22:56 PM

i had my hand on the phone if he didn't put it back in the safe.

He is on antidepressants. It was actually the antidepressants that brought the a out in the open. They keep on upping his meds and it kept on making his guilt bubble up until he told me finally. I *knew* about the EA but I never thought it went PA until he told me.

Seeing the counsilor is an absolute for me. He finally told the truth to the counselor so I"m hoping that helps him too. He said he has slept better because he is no longer living a lie and he very much wants to rebuild our marriage.

We had a bad experience with a MC in the past so I"m afraid to go. however if he wants me to go with him I will.

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