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Jada52 posted 5/25/2013 15:31 PM

WS had to work today, did not really have to but his excuse anyway. So he calls and tells me he is going to a car show with OW's son. Son reached out to him, remembers him from old days and remembered his old cars ect so invited him over to go to one. We had a knock down drag out over the phone and of course I had to cry, he cried etc. I asked was she going to be there and he said no just the son, called him a liar.

Anyway I told him we had two choices, fix this mess or he could leave. I was tired of waiting for him to decide if he was moving out or not. He said he had not even thought about leaving (WTH). He talks to her every freaking day, they are just friends, old friends and he enjoys talking to her yada yada.

I asked him if he was staying out all night, no but I may be late. Said we would talk about it tomorrow and I could let him know what my decision was. I told him he already knew what mine was, lets fix it or he can go. I got nasty on the phone, so did he and then he apologized. Still blames me for everythng, all my fault, my chldhood, my first marriage on and on. He seems to think he is perfect for some reason, oh wait bet she told him he was.

He wore shorts this morning when he left and some ugly sandals. Now in my minds eye, he does not look good in shorts and especially not those shoes

My heart hurts, I don't want my marriage to end but I don't want it the way it has been the past 2 months. He asked me if he said work on it what would happen. Well for one thing she is not a part of this marriage anymore. He brought the third person into it and I am supposed ot be ok with it why?

I have cried so hard my face is swollen and I can barely see out of my eyes. Have talked to daughter and friend but did no good.

I almost told him I would see them over there and I threatened to call her. He would have a stroke if I showed up there. I just hurt. I don't want him to leave but don't want him to stay like this ether.

Apparently she is not a sure thing or he would already be gone. She may be after today tho because I am sure his tears were for the sympathy factor once he got there.

[This message edited by Jada52 at 3:33 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]

1devastedmom posted 5/25/2013 15:56 PM

I'm sorry I would show up just to see what's going on and if he didn't likd it tough.

karmahappens posted 5/25/2013 16:04 PM


I am sorry he is being an ass!!

It will continue unless you stop it.

Put on your bitch boots and get your ass to that car show.

Please dont allow him to control your life, it's yours to control....take it back.

You are better than 2nd choice, stand up for yourself.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/25/2013 16:07 PM

Jada, you've made your stance to him quite clear and have told him in no uncertain terms that you're willing to reconcile and do the hard work but HE'S going to have to cut all times with his 'friend.'

He simply chooses NOT to.

If he wanted to work on your marriage, he wouldn't be taking OW's son to some car show - he'd be HOME listening to what you have to say.

And he chose not to do that.

It's like he's enjoying his "single" life while stringing you along, buying time and claiming you'll talk at a later date - while he continues right on with his plans.

He knows EXACTLY what you want. But he chooses NOT to do it.

The only one who can stop this insanity is YOU.

If you keep offering to reconcile and be there for him, he's going to continue playing you.

Stop offering.

Stop being available.

Cut him off at the KNEES.


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 4:09 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]

Jada52 posted 5/25/2013 16:11 PM

Thanks so much guys. I am afraid if I go I will act all redneck and beat the hell outta her and him to. It is a 2 hour drive from here and I was not really sure I was in good enough shape to drive.

I am just lost. I know I cannot control him or his actions but this should not be this hard. I know I am not the only one hurting, most everyone here is.

It just has to be one way or the other, not the way it has been the past 2 months. Bitch boots are on and I will be awake when he comes home tonight. I am hoping I can keep it together, not cry and tell him if he is miserable here GO on and leave.

Again, I think she is not a sure thing and that is why he has not already left. Maybe she sees him as a friend only, I don't know, but if they are friends then we all can be friends IMO.Three in a marriage never works.

[This message edited by Jada52 at 4:13 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]

karmahappens posted 5/25/2013 16:15 PM

I know it's hard. I drove 5 hours to New York one night to get confirmation that I wasn't crazy....I completely understand.

He has made his choice, he went to the show when he should have wanted to come home to his wife.

Do you see this?

Keep those boots on, hell I would hefty bag his stuff while he is at the show.

FTG (((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 4:21 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]

Jada52 posted 5/25/2013 16:26 PM

Thank you. Yes I see it, very clear after today. I had thought maybe things were getting better but I realize now I wanted them to. My daughter said to pack his stuff too, but why make it easy for him. Actually in the state we live in I cannot force him to leave, his house too and it will take a court order to get him to go if he chooses not to.

After this last talk and he does not recommit, I am done, no more cooking, cleaning, not doing hs laundry, nothing but paying the bills and taking care of my baby girl (sheltie) and going to work. I already don't sleep due to some thyroid meds being too strong for me, so my mind gets to race all night.

nolight posted 5/25/2013 17:43 PM

He has chosen them over you and has been really cruel about it too. Ignore his crying an emotional manipulation you deserve better then this.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/25/2013 17:54 PM

FTG is right! Really, he's taking OW's son to a car show? WTF is that all about! Especially when he knows how upset you are that he's doing that!?!?!!? Wow, what a douche! Jada52, you have got to take your stand with him. You cannot go on living like this. He's killing you mentally, physically and emotionally! I know it's hard; I'm going through it too. I had to leave my house; there was no other choice. But, with us having a joint checking account I can still get in there and take care of the bills, even if I'm not in the home. I hate to baby his ass that way but I will make sure the mortgage, cell phone bill and house insurance get paid as my name is on those bills. The other ones, like gas, water, electricity, etc, are all in his name so if he doesn't pay them then that's his problem, not mine. Mine's not smart enough to figure any of this out on his own.

Honestly, I would drive the 2 hours just to show up and see what is actually going on. I think you'll show more control then you think if she is there. But, at least then you would have the proof you need and it would let him know that he is caught, red handed, and there's no way he can lie his way out of that. But, that's up to you, you have to do what's best for YOU!!!

If you don't go then yes, wait up for him when he gets home and get this anger out. You DO NOT have to live like this!

Sending you prayers and hugs Jada52!

Jada52 posted 5/25/2013 19:17 PM

It is just so hard. I was able to stop the tears long enough to talk to a friend for a couple hours. I just had a glass of Carlo Rossi (I rarely drink) but I am hoping it helps me sleep longer than I normally do. I actually wondered if he really was going to the car show or used the son as an excuse. He said he reached out to him and asked him to come over to car show, but unless he used his moms phone, another lie. The son is grown, now a kid at least, but they have know each other for years. The thing is car shows are our thing and for him to go with them (him) is just wrong. I will never believe she did not join them and think she used the son to get him over there. I know my WS could have and should have said NO, but he did not.

I will hear him when he comes home and he will at least get the "look" when he gets here. I am in no mood to talk tonight, it can wait for tomorrow. But there is really nothing to talk about, either re-commit or go, pretty simple choices there.

I don't know but I thank you guys for the encouraging words and letting me vent here. I know we are all here for the same thing and that just makes it sad, but lots of support here and so glad I found this site.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/25/2013 19:19 PM

So you can't give him the generic trash bag treatment. Ok. Throw all of his shit into the spare bedroom or anywhere BUT your closet and bedroom. Even IF he comes home and recommits to you. He has crossed too far over the line with this 'car show' shit. Every transgression after Dday results in an exponentially increased amount of work the WS needs to do to prove him/herself worthy of being in the marriage. Because every transgression is really just a big old fat 'fuck you' to the BS and the marriage.

I think that at this take the choice out of his hands. You've left it up to him for 2 months now and he refuses to stop talking to this chick. He is putting her over you. He is showing you what his priorities are....and I'm really sorry to throw salt in your wounds, but you are NOT his priority.

Take care of YOU and your sheltie baby. Fuck this guy. He's a jackass who isn't worthy of you. (although you can probably laugh about the person that had to 'hang' with him at the car show while he was dressed in his shorts/sandals outfit, right? )

gonnabe2016 posted 5/25/2013 19:21 PM

P.S. Do NOT wait up for this guy.

You go to bed. Or even leave and go to a hotel if you can.

Do NOT give him the 'look'.


crushedsoul27 posted 5/25/2013 22:32 PM

I feel your pain so much and know exactly what you mean when you say you've cried so much your face is swollen. After posting a couple of days ago and several people referring me to the 180 question in the BS QNA I'm committed to showing nothing but strength now and not blowing up like I have several times in the past 3 months. WE ARE WORTH IT and if our WH's aren't willing to fight for our marriage we MUST take back control. The emotions we are dealing with are so painful that the only person I would ever wish them on is the AP. I hope to God one day she feels the same pain I'm feeling and the Kharma bits her in the ASS so hard. I know my H won't ever be with her. She has 3 children and while we have one who is grown he doesn't even like kids so he won't live in a house with young kids so I kinda laugh about it bc she may think there is hope but he will dump her ass so fast after their "reality" sets in if they ever got together.
Be strong, remember your value and that this has NOTHING to do with you, he is broken and you can't fix him, he has to want to fix it with IC.

CallMeRed1 posted 5/26/2013 04:05 AM

I really can't believe he went.

I have no idea what else to say as I know you are hurting so bad now and I know how that feels but I have to say you really didn't deserve this. He should be working on your relationship now, not disappearing off with someone else's Son and possibly her too.

Hugs for you xx

Jada52 posted 5/28/2013 08:43 AM

Thank you so much for the advice and encouraging words. I said nothing to him when he came home at 1:35 AM. Ignored him on Sunday and only gave one word answers if I had to. He fixed breakfast and dinner, told me it was ready. I fixed me a small amount and went back to the bedroom. He worked part of the day yesterday, I had lunch and shopping with a friend. After dinner I went back to the bedroom to read and he ask if he had run me out of the LR. I looked at him as if to say EF you!

So anyway I had put a logger on his computer on Saturday and BAM, caught the asshole when I checked reports this morning, an email to her and from her, just friends my ass (I already knew that tho.)

So our mortgage is due the 1st, we both get paid this week. Gonna pay the mortgage one more time before I kick him to the curb. I am done.

How she could do this after it was done to her I have no clue, but she is a trashy whore and I intend to tell her so either right before or right after I hand him their emails and tell him to go

Thank you guys so much for the support given on this site. Sorry we all had to connect for the reasons we did, but I am so thankful I found this site.

Ladyogilvy posted 5/28/2013 08:53 AM

Wow, just wow. The key logger working that fast... Even though it only confirmed what you already knew... That must have been a painful shock.

Those bitch boots look really good on you. Wear them well.

Ashland13 posted 5/28/2013 09:01 AM

HI Jada,

We had this go on too, but for a long time I didn't know that OW existed.

After I did, the bitch boots came on, but it was the hardest thing I did in my whole life. The pain of child birth compared only a little.

I did much as you are doing and what it did was allow him to keep OW, her tribe and OW junior, who he had "bonded" with (gross) and he could just continue to abandon us with no reprocussions.

What finally jiggled me out of my fog was when some periods of time came where no financial support came and there was no legal way I could stand up for myself and DD.

Also, he bullied his way into our house and some other things, so was able to have his other life and control us even when he wasn't here.

Though I was not detatched in my heart and mind, slowly but surely it started to slow the drama down. And the safety factor for DD and I and our house I could have no control over or fix while he was waltzing in and out and enjoying his double life.

If it were me, I wouldn't even put myself through that car show and having to chance seeing OW and the son. In my mind, when thinking of your situation, the answer is already written on the wall.

And I'm sorry, but as someone said to me, there are all kinds of tricks they can do so they can alter the situation if you arrived.

I wish you some peace during your decision-making time, perhaps a quiet place with a cup of tea or coffee where you can sit and make some decisions.

FWIW, this has made so much stress that I have to almost section myself off-not answer any phones, turn off the electronics...just to think sometimes.

I imagine that you are getting all kinds of advice and probably at times your head feels like it"s swimming-or then can't think at all-but I commend you for facing the situation your H has made and figuring out how to not let him get away with it.

Kudos for your courage.

Jada52 posted 5/28/2013 13:14 PM

I knew the bitch boots would come on as soon as I saw it in black and white, had to see it for myself tho and I did. The problem now is control until I get ready to tell him to go. Only 3 folks know about this other than you guys here, one is my oldest daughter, best friend and my sis. Sis does not know a whole lot because she likes to run her mouth and never know when to shut up.

I kind of feel a relief that it is almost over, altho my heart is shattered that he could do this to me, but I guess it happens more than I knew I will miss him and our life/future together, but I can get over it and move on. Not my first rodeo, but hurts a lot more than the other rides in my past life.

He told me Saturday that he had not thought about leaving, well I got news for him she thinks he is and is planning a future with him. He will leave one way or the other, the easy way or if he chooses the hard way.

I hope all of you have a good day today. My heart hurts, but I am mad enough to not beg him to stay even though he sent me a sweet text earlier - I am thinking are you efing kidding me

brokensunflower posted 5/28/2013 13:30 PM

(JADA52) My thoughts and prayers are with you .. ftg you do what you have to do take care of yourself first ... like you said don't do his laundry or anything .. only cook enough food for you and your kid ... make him fend for himself .. hugs ..

la433 posted 5/28/2013 13:44 PM

Go 180. Demand he leave. If he refuses, then you leave. That asshole doesn't deserve you. At some point, all of us here have to make a decision if we're going to allow ourselves to be Plan B.

Are you?

Be strong. Keep those boots on and make sure they have steel toes in them so that when you kick him in the teeth, it knocks all of them out!

BTW, what do they call bitch boots for guys?

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