I think you need to see an attorney to learn your rights. Your husband is right, he's been living a lie - a selfish one spun by his selfish and adolescent needs - and he's dragged you into it as well. He is also correct in that he is broken....he has been for a long while.
Learn about your rights, the process, the fees and take the time before he comes home to protect yourself.(your lawyer will share those tidbits with you).
I would put my ducks in a row, then the day he is to return, before he boards the plane, give him the address of the storage locker where he can find his things and inform him he's not welcome back to the "lie" he's been living. He can shack up with his equally broken whore. Let him be HER problem now.
But foremost - see a lawyer - fear of the unknown is what will hold you back now. If you have to, sell the expensive trinkets he purchased to pay for the lawyer consult - and find a good one. He's making good money and put you in a financial hole to make himself feel like the big man around town - you need to learn about alimony, child support, home equity etc.
That being said - even though you need to take these steps, it doesn't mean you have to go through with the D. It can be halted anytime you say - if he meets your conditions and if you want to try reconciliation. The nature of his career has made his dealing with the A's difficult and as you've learned the hard way - sweeping it under the rug only makes the beast rear it's ugly head eventually.
For now pull up your bitch boots, detach emotionally (read about the 180 in the healing library) and make YOU and your children the priority.
(((penny))) sorry you find yourself here but this is where you'll find all the support and information you need to get through this. Also - your marriage may not survive this...BUT YOU WILL!
presently working towards...well i don't know anymore...
Go and see a lawyer so that you can develop your contingency plan, having a from plan in your mind and knowing your rights will help you. Your husband is a jerk, I think you will find happiness and peace without this mess continuously being dragged into your life by him.
Don't feel embarrassed to tell your family. I was the second time around too but in the end they were very supportive.
I'm glad that he won't be back until July. That gives you time to get educated on the law in your state, see a lawyer, and practice detatching from him with the day-to-day pressures of a WH being in the same place as you are.
Please don't let him know that you can see what he's doing. Play ignorant and keep on making copies of everything that you find out. Keep those copies in a safe place I would suggest a safety deposit box or in a sealed envelope in another person's house.
Please see a lawyer ASAP. You have those credit cards that he insisted that you get now is the time to use them. Pick the top three divorce lawyers in your area, see each of them for an initial consult, and then make your pick (or see more if you don't find one you click with). You need to 1) be educated on exactly what you are entitled to, should you divorce and 2) prevent him from seeing those compentant lawers. Once you see them for an initial consult, they cannot take him on as a client.
In the meantime, please. Take care of yourself. Stay hydrated, eat what you can, and rest when you can. This isn't your first trip at the rodeo so you know the toll that this is going to take on you. You have a job taking care of helpless children. You cannnot take care of them if you do not take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
Come back often for support. Vent, cry, rage, rant we're here for that. You are the innocent in this mess. His affairs are all on him and were all HIS decision. No matter what you did, you did not cause this. It is physically impossible that you "made" him go out and screw others. This is a decision that he made, he planned, and he carried out. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I'm a huge believer in that you have to be willing to lose the marriage to keep the marriage. You risk divorce to save the marriage. If he comes home and begs for another chance - and if you are willing to give him another chance - then there needs to be a lot of work done...independent and marriage counselling, new job with no travel, complete access to all electronics and passwords to everything, he must be willing to eat the shit sandwich he's expected you to stomach all these years - the questions, the tears, the anger, the pain. He may indeed beg on his knees for another chance - but he may not be willing to do the hard work to save the marriage.
But from here on in YOU have the power. Yes - they can be nasty to keep what they want. In a half hour span, my Fwh was crying, begging, pleading, threatening, blaming, and guilt-tripping me...all in 30 minutes. All in an attempt to control the outcome. But it wasn't his to control any longer. I was ready to walk - and that snapped his ass back to reality in a hurry. We've been in successful R for 9 months. But he had to do the hard work - make significant changes and sacrifices to make me stay. Sorry if I'm putting the cart before the horse -
Stay strong penny - as painful as this is - you sound ready to put an end to this misery. You won't live in a rat-infested home - so take that fear off the table right away. You'll imagine the worst until you have the information you need. A knowledgable lawyer will empower you and you'll know your next course of action. (btw - is ow married? Once the cats out of the bag you can let her loved ones know what an upright citizen she is making out in the back of a car like a street hooker!)
I'm so glad you're here Penny. Not because of the circumstances of course, but because you now have support and knowledge to see you through it. Post often, read even more...and when you're ready, start offering the benefit of your experience to others in your situation.
(btw - word of mouth is the best way to find the best lawyers. Start telling people that a dear friend is in need of a good attorney and find out who had success. If you can find out who the lawyers use for their divorces - even better! My gf called her real estate lawyer for referrals and he made some calls and found her a barracuda!)
I don't know why I never seem to be enough for him.
Penny I hear you, you sound very strong this time and it sounds like you are already thinking of moving on and for what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing.
Take your time and get all your ducks in a row as they say. It will be better for you if you can get organised before you tell him what you have decided.
Stay strong sister.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
It says "see also BS FAQ WS FAQ "
My heart breaks for you. :( In the difficult days, weeks, months to come, please remember this:
I need some happiness in my life I need a man who will love me like I love them.
You deserve that. You are a hard-working, compassionate, trusting, sweet woman. You deserve so much more than you are getting now.
I strongly agree with the advice to see a lawyer ASAP. As the spouse of a vet you may be able to get some free advice from OneSource -- I'm not 100% sure, but it's worth a call!
I understand your pity / sympathy / empathy for him because of his past and his brokenness, but he does know how much his cheating has hurt you in the past, so even if he is compartmentalizing, he is knowingly hurting you on some level. He has seen your pain before, and as he said to you over and over during R&R, he knows he is broken. Only he has the power to fix himself. By not fixing his own brokenness, he is punishing you with it. I can only imagine how much his repeated betrayals have hurt you. :(
Your husband sounds like he is emotionally abusive to you... threatening to cut you off, then saying he would not have done so; hurting you very very very badly and then overcompensating with a period of sweetness, only to hurt you again. He is also physically abusive in that he has exposed you time and time and time again to venereal disease. (If you haven't yet, and I'm not sure I saw it in your post, please get tested for STDs, including a pap smear. HPV is a HUGE risk; 1 in 6 sexually active American women have it, and men cannot be tested for it with any accuracy.) If I were you, I would call a hotline for women dealing with abuse and ask for recommendations for lawyers. When you call these lawyers, I read that someone else here left just their first name -- that way no one would flap their lips. MA is a big state -- I'm originally from Mass -- so if you live in, say, Boston, you could try finding a lawyer in Springfield. That would reduce the chance that your lawyer would know his lawyer friend.
I think that's enough info to throw at you for now I just feel a lot of empathy for you -- my WH is prior military and many of the women in my family have run in-home daycares, maybe that's why. Or maybe it's because your WH has run over your heart with an 18-wheeler four times Anyway, I'm here, and I care. (((hugs)))
I wanted to add that you should apply now for a credit card in your name only. You want to secure it now while your income is calculated including his income. Not saying use it - but get one!
Secure copies of income tax returns, ins. policies, retirement accts, all things financial. Check out your credit - there are several places you can do this for free (found through .gov sites). There may be other debt out there you don't yet know about.
An atty. consult will give you a feel for what you can expect in SS and CS. Knowledge is power.
I also want you to know, that I was where you are 4.5 years ago. So much of your story resonates: his FOO issues, dangerous job, multiple affairs (though I learned of them all at the end) and the DREAMS, (how many I ignored...), the vaccilating generous impulses counterpoised with cruelty, and I was a SAHM, with no income.
We didn't make it. He couldn't or wouldn't do the work. I'm D but I am okay! I'm not living in a roach infested hotel room and you won't be either. That's what I want you to know. Whatever happens - you will be okay too!!
Stay sharp, do what you have to to protect yourself and your DD, and watch the money (because you know that is his button).
btw: The 180 is in the Healing Library BS FAQ #11.
His affair in 2000 was with a women who was married and living in Belgium. Her husband had also had affairs. About four months maybe less after he was involved with her and told me he would end it and wanted to be with me he said I needed to have a open mind and not be so prudish. Well I never felt I was. I was very passionate and he would push me away so many times saying he was told old and to leave him alone. He is only 5 years older then me and I would hear this from the time he hit 30. After he came back from Belgium mad wanted to be with me he said he had been looking on line and found some places that had swingers and he wanted me to get dressed in some sexy cloths and wanted me to go with him. When I spoke of not wanting to do this he told me to stop being a prude and just keep a open mind. I tried. We drove up to one place and as soon as we pulled into the driveway I got a overwhelming thought that something really horrible would happen to me inside and I started crying and told him to please take me home it scared me. He did. Then he kept telling me he would be right there by my side and he would not let anything happen to me. A few weeks later he convinced me to go back. I did trying to make him happy. Once inside it was kind of scummy and just seemed dirty. We sat down at a table and he got us both a drink. I kept close eye or so I thought on my drink and before long a couple came and sat down by us and started talking. I don't know how but the next thing I knew we were in the back of the building in a bedroom with this couple and they were having sex. My husband took his clothes off and told me to do the same. He started touching me and then just kind of sat back and encourage the other man to take me. He wanted to have sex with me. I was terrified and my husband whispered in my ear don't worry I'm right here and you will be fine just enjoy it. The man came at me with no condom and I said again to my husband he needs to use a condom and my husband said not to worry that he was sure they all get tested. He pushed himself inside me and I hated every minute of it. I was not enjoying it at all. I felt disgusting and he was very rough. My husband was approached by the women and she started giving him oral s. he told her to stop that he just wanted to watch me. He said he wanted to see this man turn me on. Well he did not and I told him to get off me and stop. He did and I got up and told my husband I hated that and would never do that again. We left trying to just sneak out the door and the couple saw us leaving and said now make sure you come back and see us again. We never did. I told my husband I did not like that it was disgusting and that I did not want to be with other men only him. Plus the place was nasty. He found a different place that was very clean and looked very sophisticated . He wanted to go to this place and again told me to have a open mind and assured me I would not have to have sex with anyone else, but he wanted to watch the other couples. So I agreed. This was much better and we did not have sex with others, but I was amazed at how many people would just do anything right in front of others. He wanted to have sex so I told him I would only have sex if we found a room alone and it was clean with no one else. We did and we had sex. Well this has made me feel so ashamed for so many years. I never told anyone because i feel so ashamed that I let him push me into this. I found out just a month or two later I DID HAVE HPV. I had precancerous lesions on my cervix and had to have surgery. The doctor told me it was a STD. I was so pissed off and embarrassed at the same time plus scared for my life. We never went to a place like this again. I did get check after his affair in 2007, I will get checked again soon. We never had sex when he was home this past time and I am great full for that. The more I write about the things he has put me through and the more I go back in my head the more I think he has a split personality or is just really messed up in the head. I don't think I want to even be with him any more but I do hope for the kids sake that he will not turn mean and he will support us the way we deserve. It is hard to get to a attorney because of my hours but I have to try. As far as him being abusive he is emotionally and has put my self esteem down one minute then lifting me up at other times. He has bragged about me to coworkers how beautiful I am and hot and sexy. I think he treats me like a trophy wife, but had little feelings for me. True feelings for me. He has in the past told me if I ever tried to leave him (now this Has been maybe 25 years ago that he would burn the house down with me in it, after we moved back to MA in 2006 he said one day how he had friends that are sharp shooters and how they can hide in the woods and shoot from a distance and the person they were shooting would not ever see it coming). And then he said he had friends like that that were just waiting for a job. I took that back then as a new threat to me. He did not say I will higher someone if you try to leave me but he gave me this impression. After the affair in 07 I told myself I would not go through this again. I do remember thinking I was a fool and wished I had ended it then because I would have reason to file for divorce. Well now that this is going on again I am going to talk with a few attorneys and try to make this all about letting him go find his happiness. I will let him go be with the women he has been dreaming of and looking for all his life, the women he felt is his soul mate, they say it was love at first touch. They felt sparks when they touched. He is a very sick man and I can not let him continue to make my life so horrible. I am a very loving person and take my or took my marriage very seriously. I gave him 110% of me. So much so that I lost part of me in the mean while. I am finding myself and my strength through the help of all of you. I owe my oldest daughter the world. She sent this link to me one night when I was crying and just hurting so bad from finding out about his Betrayal again. I felt like my whole world was crashing down on me and that my whole marriage to him has been a show , He wanted a good pretty, kind women who would treat him well and be there when he needed me. I am angry at this but on the other hand if I did not have him I would not have the children I have now or the grandchildren.
I read about trying not to sound so excited about hearing from him, about staying strong and making some distance. I think that is good advice and I will try to start pushing him away. Telling him I'm to busy during my work hours to Face Time with him. He wants to do this daily sometime 2 times. I am suppose to call and have been calling him every night at 9 PM to wake him up on the other side of the world. He usually rushes me right off. I think he may even be telling me he is going to the gym but just getting on Face Time and or Face Book with her. ...question for you who have a IPhone 4S. He wants me to get one he said so we can face time from anyplace no matter where I am. He also wanted me to log onto a link that would find my IPAD if I lost it. He said it would also tell me because he had it where he was. Now thinking about what is going on I wonder was this so he could try to get everything I put on my IPAD or if I bought a IPhone to sync with his. This way he would see everything I have? Or was it so I would see what and where is was so he is wanting me to find out? I did not put the find my IPAD on it and so far have not bought a IPHONE. He did not even take his IPAD to Iraq with him this time. He bought a Mac lap top and has that with his IPHONE. Can you who have those items tell me is it easy to see everything the other is doing if you both have these items? Just wondering what is real motives are.
Be sure, once you hire the attorney that he knows about the threats he's made in the past. I would also contact your local domestic violence centre and start counselling - you may need them once he returns.
Read up about NPD - narcissistic personality disorder - there's info in the I Can Relate Forum about NPD and there are some real smart cookies there that can guide you in how to best deal with your H if he indeed has this.
Do you have any recourse through his job? It sounds like he is quasi-military? (I'm Canadian so not up on the military branches) should he return and start behaving irrationally, you could see if there is any help through his superiors...
I'm am relieved you are prepared to start living a healthy and happy life - I'm only concerned about his reaction. You need to get all your ducks in a row before he comes home. When you're ready, visit the knowledgable folks down in Divorced and Separated (D/S) they've either been through or seen folks through this and can offer more accurate info.
Keep posting - keep reading...