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User Topic: Betrayed again
Penny2013
♀ 39320
Member # 39320
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I am a wife of 27 years. My spouse was active duty Army and now works With the State Department over in Iraq. He has been working in Iraq for many many years. He has seen so much and been through so much. I know his head is messed up. He has had so many affairs that I know of and I just found out about a new one. This breaks my heart. We have been through a lot together and this past year he has surgery and also a scare of cancer. I was and always have been by his side. I don't even know where to start. His first affair was 1993, then 2000 and 2007. In 2007 it nearly killed me. He acted as if all was fine. Sent me the most beautiful flowers and card for my birthday and while he was home on R&R we had such a good time together. I thought he was very much in love with me. Then he left again in October and did not come home till December. He had took out a loan while he was away and said they had to buy insurance to cover themselves with the Iraq government .$10,000.00 loan. After he came home I could tell right away something was off. Now we spoke every day by FaceTime or Skype and on the phone, sent emails too. I had no clue and was so excited to see him and hold him. When he got home I wanted to show him all I had done to our home while he was away. I took him in the bedroom to show him and gave him such a huge hug. I could tell something was off but he said all was fine. His eyes if this make any sense seemed black and like he was in a trance. Just writing this brings back the horrible feelings in my gut and my throat. Our anniversary is in December and we had flown our son and his wife to be with us. Our two daughters and sister in law and her daughter were here too. I noticed he kept taking and making calls privately and when I asked about it he said it was work. He told me he had to fly to Belgium on December 28 and would be back around the 3 of Jan. many other things happened to clue me in. I confronted him before he left and even spoke with the OW. She also worked in Iraq with the state department but had just moved to Belgium. She said she knew he was married with a young daughter but did not care and slept just fine. She was evil. He assured me everything would be fine but that he needed to see her in person to end it. When he came back in Jan I found out he bought her a $7,000.00 engagement ring and took her to Paris and proposed. Maneuver did ask me for divorce or even separation. He also bought me a new set much cheaper and a diamond necklace with 3 stones he said for past , present and future. You can see why this was killing me. We went for a drive to talk away from the kids and she called while we were talking. We were in our driveway at this point and he made me get out of the car so they could talk. At some point during all this craziness I went into shock and could not stop shaking and was so cold. I felt like my inside were going to turn inside out and my body would just explode. He still had sex with me and little by little he told me he was going to stay with me because he knew this was the right thing to do. Not exactly what I was wanting to hear but I was glad it was something. I had wished to hear I want to be with you because I love you so much and I am so sorry. He went back to Iraq telling me all would be fine and not to worry. This was later in Jan of 2008. He did not come back this time till April and the whole time I was still not sure. I was getting bills in the mail for a rental car with several thousand dollar charges. I found out he rented one back in Dec/ Jan with her and let her keep it. The 10,000 he said was for insurance was really to give to her so she could fight her ex for custody. When he came home I asked thinking for sure he was leaving to please get me a different car because we had a Tahoe and I could not afford this on my own. He took me to the dealership and bought me a brand new VW Eos. I still remember walking out of the place and being so shocked that he did that. I said to him. I can't believe you just bought me this car. He said well I think you deserve it. Well some time passed and we were working things out. He asked me so many time to please forgive him that he was stupid and did not know what he was thinking. The OW got very angry and tried to take him to court because he had told her he had already served me with papers and they had planned on getting married that May 08. He had me pick out a very nice diamond ring and I did get one that was bigger and more money then hers. I felt I deserved this. If he was going to spend that on someone else I deserve red more. Well we went on a cruise together and it was great! I thought this is it he will never do this to me again. Things were great for a while and I don't even know when they started to change again. He had his surgery and then they thought he had cancer just this past year. He thanked me for being by his side. ( he is my husband and I would not have been any place else). I have had in the past dreams that he was with a different women and woke up all upset and would call him. He would tell me I was foolish. I was correct each time. I had a new dream in March of him being with a women with black hair and that she would come between us. I remember thinking this is my imagination because he has never been with a dark haired women. I did not say anything. When he came home for R&R the first part of April I thought things were ok. We did not have sex but he said he did not know what was wrong with him, but that he was broke. I also found out not by him that he would leave again just 4 weeks later to go back. I felt bad he was only going to be home such a short time. I run a home preschool/ childcare business in our inlay apartment so I did not get to spend much time with him. He was able to reconnect with a old friend from his teenage years last year and said all the guys were getting together and asked if I was ok with him going and I said of course. Go see your friends. Then the Boston marathon happened and he said the state department wanted him to go to the Boston office to help them with some things and he went. He was go e pretty much the whole day. I did notice he had a black hair stuck to his watch when he came home and I pulled it off. He said oh I gave hugs but nobody said I pulled there hair. Again thinking ok don't jump to conclusions. Then his nephew said he had tickets to go see a Red Sox Game and would I be ok with him going, again I said yes go and spend time with your nephew. He said he would stay at his friends house because it would be late and they would be drinking. As it was getting closer to the day of the game I had been getting concerned because he started with his phone again. Going in garage behind shed and on it with ear phones so much. I went over to sit by him one night and he got up and went to the other couch and said he needed room. This was a big red flag. When he came home from Boston he took a shower and said he took one at Mikes but needed another . He covered himself when I was in the bathroom and said he was broke and did not want me to see him. I did not push it because again I thought it was my imagination . He left to go back over seas just a few days later. We never made love and when I took him to airport he put his head down and said I'm sorry I don't know what is wrong with me but I am broke. He has put on Facebook how much he missed our dog but when I put something on his Facebook about missing him so much and I loved him he said everyone in the office was giving him shit about it because they thought he was still sick. So he took it off. Then I put a picture of our boat on it so he could see it and he took this off and said he does not want anyone to think we are rich. He had put on on just a week or so earlier. I noticed he would only sign his emails with I love you sometimes. He seemed to look down a lot like he could not look me in the eye when we would do face time, I sent him a email on the eve of Mothers Day asking him if he was mad at me, if I did something wrong or did not do something. That I felt like something was wrong and he wrote me back a very nice email telling me I was the best mother and wife anyone could ever have and so much more. I felt better. He told me he hated being over there and needed to get a job back home. He said he was screwed because we have to many bills. Now just so you al know. He has alway had champagne taste but has stretched us so thin. We are both now in our 50's he is 5 years older then I, but we have no savings. When I told him in the past I did not need a big house I would be happy in a smaller place as long as I had him. He has turned that around and snapped at me and said you might not care about living like trash but he would not. He has forbid me to shop with Walmart. He told me I needed to start buying nicer things because he makes good money. Now that he want to quit this job he is stressing about the money. ( or so he tells me). I told him we could cut back on some things. Sell the boat, and to stop buying trinkets to bring home everything he comes back from over seas. I told him not to spend big money buying me flowers on Mother Day to just send a fruit basket if he felt he needed to send something, and a card. He sent a fruit basket but just the card on it. Then my IPAD was giving me a hard time and seemed to keep flickering in and out so I went to our office and turned on the big desk computer . I pulled up Face Book and his account was open with his pass word in it already. I noticed right away a dark haired women had sent him a message about how much she missed him and love him! Our oldest daughter was with me at the time and I was freaking out. I said OMG My dream is true. She is a sister of one of his old friends that died many years ago. She knows he is married because I have commented on her Facebook page in the past when she said my husband was her big brother. Well they have continued to post and talked about how two lost souls found each other on April 14 and now I see April 20 was there first kiss and April 23 they made hot passionate love 3 times! He told me he was broke. They are talking about getting married and how he has never felt this was about anyone before in his life. He does NOT KNOW I Know. I am very upset and extremely saddened to know this is happening again. I do feel stronger this time I think. Some days are easier then others. I just don't understand. People tell me that I am the sweetest nicest person and very beautiful . I don't know why I never seem to be enough for him. Now his mother and father both abandoned him as a kid. His dad left them on the side of the road at a rest stop and he never saw him again. His mom jump from one man to the next and each time one would die she would dump him and his sitters at other family members or even in a orphanage . I know this has messed up his head. I just can't go though this heart ache again without having someone to talk to. My family all told me the last time to end it in 07 and now I feel like a fool. I am embarrassed to tell them. Some days I feel like maybe we can be better friends then spouses, other days I just want to end all my pain and go to a better place. I fight that urge because I do have 3 great kids, 2 grown and 1 that is 13. We have 4 grandchildren or soon to be 4. I am trying real hard to pay off my CC he had me open and we both used. He said he wanted me to open them so I would have credit. I am also trying to save money for a attorney. I know this can get very expensive . His friend I spoke about that just found him is a attorney. And the OW is one of his best friends.n I am sure he will help my husband out with free legal advice. He is accident but I don't think that matters. Our home is way more then I could pay for. It is also just in his name. The deed is in my name. We had a home I could have paid for in NC and then he moved us up to MA in 2006 he said so I could be closer to our family. We met hear back in 1984 and have been together this whole time. I have often thought he was cheating on me and like I said caught him now 4 times. I see his writing to her and he says he has been living a lie for so many years. I think I am just ready to let him go. I need some happiness in my life I need a man who will love me like I love them. I just know when this all comes out that it could get real nasty. He goes from sweet to cruel very fast. I need a home to do my business . I can't rent a home and do child care. Plus I feel like after all these years I deserve a home. He can take the boat and many other things. I just need him to pay for these bills and sell this one and help me buy a smaller one. Does anyone think I am being unreasonable? He Is do to come back in July. I'm trying my nest to keep things as normal as I can. I am recording our conversations so he can't say he told me he was leaving because he never has yet. He told the OW he wanted to tell everyone about her but he did not have the b---s to do it yet. Can anyone tell me what they think. He has wanted me not to work most of our life and just stay home and take care of the kids. Please tell me what you think and give me some advice. Need someone to talk to. Penny


Penny2013

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Western , Mass
Jada52
♀ 38984
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you. I cannot really offer much advice right now because my heart was just shattered once more today. I do understand what you are going thru and sending prayers and good thoughts to you.


Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
NoraLee
♀ 37922
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's slow here on weekends but I wanted you to know you've been heard.

I think you need to see an attorney to learn your rights. Your husband is right, he's been living a lie - a selfish one spun by his selfish and adolescent needs - and he's dragged you into it as well. He is also correct in that he is broken....he has been for a long while.

Learn about your rights, the process, the fees and take the time before he comes home to protect yourself.(your lawyer will share those tidbits with you).

I would put my ducks in a row, then the day he is to return, before he boards the plane, give him the address of the storage locker where he can find his things and inform him he's not welcome back to the "lie" he's been living. He can shack up with his equally broken whore. Let him be HER problem now.

But foremost - see a lawyer - fear of the unknown is what will hold you back now. If you have to, sell the expensive trinkets he purchased to pay for the lawyer consult - and find a good one. He's making good money and put you in a financial hole to make himself feel like the big man around town - you need to learn about alimony, child support, home equity etc.

That being said - even though you need to take these steps, it doesn't mean you have to go through with the D. It can be halted anytime you say - if he meets your conditions and if you want to try reconciliation. The nature of his career has made his dealing with the A's difficult and as you've learned the hard way - sweeping it under the rug only makes the beast rear it's ugly head eventually.

For now pull up your bitch boots, detach emotionally (read about the 180 in the healing library) and make YOU and your children the priority.

(((penny))) sorry you find yourself here but this is where you'll find all the support and information you need to get through this. Also - your marriage may not survive this...BUT YOU WILL!


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
luv_lost
♀ 24621
Member # 24621
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Penny))) I am so sorry for the pain you are going thru right now. Nora gave excellent advice and words of wisdom. please take care of yourself and know you have support here.


BW (me) 31
WH 33
DS1 8 yrs.
DS2 1 yr.

Anniversary 6/09/04
DDay 6/27/09
Wedding 3/15/12
DDay2 5/5/13

presently working towards...well i don't know anymore...


Posts: 155 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Philly, PA
nolight
♀ 32785
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Penny what a heartbreaking story, I am so sorry that you continue to go through this. You sound very strong and intelligent, recording your calls and keeping your access to his contact with this woman secret must be killing you but is probably going to work in your favour.

Go and see a lawyer so that you can develop your contingency plan, having a from plan in your mind and knowing your rights will help you. Your husband is a jerk, I think you will find happiness and peace without this mess continuously being dragged into your life by him.

Don't feel embarrassed to tell your family. I was the second time around too but in the end they were very supportive.


Posts: 517 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Penny2013
♀ 39320
Member # 39320
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for responding to my heart break. It has made me cry but in a good way. To know someone cares means more to me then you know. I have already started packing his things up and it is very hard to keep a strong face around our daughter. I don't want to put her through turmoil with being so close to the end of school. I'm trying to pretend all is fine. Said I am packing up winter clothes. He sent me a email today and singed it (love you always). Packing some of his things I found a book that he wrote about is time during 2004 in Iraq. He wrote a letter to all of us the kids and myself. He thanked me for being such a good wife to him and said he always loved me. this is the hard part because i do think he loves me just not the right way. He told the kids how much he loves them and how proud he is of them. It breaks my heart all over again. We did FaceTime twice today and he told me he loved me. This women told him she would see him anytime and that they could make out in the back seat. They are both in there 50's or she is close if not yet. I just don't get it. I think she looks nasty. I sometimes tell myself he is feeling bad about the death he has seen or maybe even had to do with his job and all the hurt he has caused me over the years and this is why he is seeking this nasty women. I am trying to get into a attorney and I know I need a good one. I have been afraid to ask around to much because of his friend being a attorney. I know if he heard he would tell him in a heart beat. My son is stationed right now in Alaska with the Army and has no clue. He was here the last time when I went into shock and helped me. He called my therapist and he called in something to help me relax. I am stronger now and yes I agree the unknown is a huge thing. I dreamt the other night that my daughter and I were forced to live in a roach invested apartment and it just discussed me. I need one very badly. Sometimes I think if I tell him he can go and be free to be with the love of his life that he will take care of everything here, but then on the other hand I worry he will cut off everything and leave us out in the cold. He threaten to cut me off the last time one day and then later said he would have paid for things. Then I also wonder if I tell him I can't go through this again and that I deserve better. That I want him to go be with her that he won't want to anymore and he will want to stay with me. Again thank you all for your words of strength to me. God Bless us all. I feel so badly for anyone who is going through this and I know I would never date anyone who was married or even separated . Thank you all again. I really need the support.


Penny2013

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Western , Mass
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) Penny. Welcome. I'm so sorry that you have the reason to find this site, but I'm so glad that you did. We are all here to help support you.

I'm glad that he won't be back until July. That gives you time to get educated on the law in your state, see a lawyer, and practice detatching from him with the day-to-day pressures of a WH being in the same place as you are.

Please don't let him know that you can see what he's doing. Play ignorant and keep on making copies of everything that you find out. Keep those copies in a safe place I would suggest a safety deposit box or in a sealed envelope in another person's house.

Please see a lawyer ASAP. You have those credit cards that he insisted that you get now is the time to use them. Pick the top three divorce lawyers in your area, see each of them for an initial consult, and then make your pick (or see more if you don't find one you click with). You need to 1) be educated on exactly what you are entitled to, should you divorce and 2) prevent him from seeing those compentant lawers. Once you see them for an initial consult, they cannot take him on as a client.

In the meantime, please. Take care of yourself. Stay hydrated, eat what you can, and rest when you can. This isn't your first trip at the rodeo so you know the toll that this is going to take on you. You have a job taking care of helpless children. You cannnot take care of them if you do not take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

Come back often for support. Vent, cry, rage, rant we're here for that. You are the innocent in this mess. His affairs are all on him and were all HIS decision. No matter what you did, you did not cause this. It is physically impossible that you "made" him go out and screw others. This is a decision that he made, he planned, and he carried out. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5088 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
NoraLee
♀ 37922
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Penny - remember that it doesnt matter what the ow looks like - its how the affair makes him feel. About the book - the power of compartmentalization is astounding. He probably does love you - and yet he figures what you don't know won't hurt you. He is cake-eating - enjoying the loving wife at home and the escape of the illicit affair.

I'm a huge believer in that you have to be willing to lose the marriage to keep the marriage. You risk divorce to save the marriage. If he comes home and begs for another chance - and if you are willing to give him another chance - then there needs to be a lot of work done...independent and marriage counselling, new job with no travel, complete access to all electronics and passwords to everything, he must be willing to eat the shit sandwich he's expected you to stomach all these years - the questions, the tears, the anger, the pain. He may indeed beg on his knees for another chance - but he may not be willing to do the hard work to save the marriage.

But from here on in YOU have the power. Yes - they can be nasty to keep what they want. In a half hour span, my Fwh was crying, begging, pleading, threatening, blaming, and guilt-tripping me...all in 30 minutes. All in an attempt to control the outcome. But it wasn't his to control any longer. I was ready to walk - and that snapped his ass back to reality in a hurry. We've been in successful R for 9 months. But he had to do the hard work - make significant changes and sacrifices to make me stay. Sorry if I'm putting the cart before the horse -

Stay strong penny - as painful as this is - you sound ready to put an end to this misery. You won't live in a rat-infested home - so take that fear off the table right away. You'll imagine the worst until you have the information you need. A knowledgable lawyer will empower you and you'll know your next course of action. (btw - is ow married? Once the cats out of the bag you can let her loved ones know what an upright citizen she is making out in the back of a car like a street hooker!)


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Penny2013
♀ 39320
Member # 39320
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as the other women being married. I am pretty sure that is a know. I know she has had some kind of substance abuse problem because she goes to AA meeting. She does from what I understand have two grown children. They look very nice.
My husband use to get angry with me often and say I always have to be in control. Well that was clearly him trying to manipulate me. If I tried to stand up to anything he would get mad. He has said many times I never listen. What this is if I don't agree 100% to what he wants I'm not listening or I'm trying to be controlling. I have so many stories of things he has pushed and pressure me to do because he wanted to that I could right a book about my life. I may attempt the book. I'm sure even if its my eyes only it will be freeing in itself to get so much out of my system that I have held in over the years. I will look at all the books and articles you have suggested. I am trying to find a good attorney let me correct that I am trying to find the best most aggressive attorney but having a hard time figuring out which one is the best. Thank you, I am feeling much better.


Penny2013

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Western , Mass
NoraLee
♀ 37922
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you're feeling better Penny - its helps to know youre not alone in this. I didn't find SI until 5 mos after dday1. I used to say - how did I not find it sooner? I googled surviving and infidelity a thousand times easily...then I remembered - I did see it numerous times listed in my searches - but I didn't want a forum. I dont know why and I can't remember what made me click on it last December...but that's when I started to feel better - knowing I wasn't alone and learning that this isn't a pro-divorce forum. Yes, sometimes D is the best option - but there is so much support for reconciliation. SI saved my sanity and I'm grateful for it every day.

I'm so glad you're here Penny. Not because of the circumstances of course, but because you now have support and knowledge to see you through it. Post often, read even more...and when you're ready, start offering the benefit of your experience to others in your situation.

(((penny)))

(btw - word of mouth is the best way to find the best lawyers. Start telling people that a dear friend is in need of a good attorney and find out who had success. If you can find out who the lawyers use for their divorces - even better! My gf called her real estate lawyer for referrals and he made some calls and found her a barracuda!)


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
CallMeRed1
♀ 36870
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know why I never seem to be enough for him.
It is not you that is the problem, it's him.

Penny I hear you, you sound very strong this time and it sounds like you are already thinking of moving on and for what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing.

Take your time and get all your ducks in a row as they say. It will be better for you if you can get organised before you tell him what you have decided.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
Penny2013
♀ 39320
Member # 39320
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning everyone, I read the Power of Compartmentalization . Thank you that was great information. This is exactly what I think is going on with him. He has seen so much death and lost so many friends. He was in the first Gulf War back in 1990-1991. His first affair was in 1993, His mother and father and even the nuns who were in charge of him did some horrible things to him. He must have had to learn at a young age how to use Compartmentalization so he could survive. God I wish I had seen this before. He is sick and needs help, but your right he may not go. We will see how much the part of his brain that loves me is left, and if it has the strength to fight for us. This helps me in a sad way to realize it is him and not me. The sad part is knowing he has not delt with his past and what he is going through and this may be the end of any true happiness for him. I think I have had to try to do a little of this myself to protect my heart and mind each time he has had to leave and go away again, and when he has hurt me with being with other women. I am feeling stronger and thank you all for your words of wisdom. I tried to find the 180 that I was told to read unless I miss understood. I can't find it. Going to the gym now to workout and try and clear my head. I don't sleep well and have had several bad dreams waking up shaking. Last night was no exception . Thank you all again.


Penny2013

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Western , Mass
Getting to Happy
♀ 35200
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some hugs for you.

(((((Penny2013)))))

Stay strong sister.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1144 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
NoraLee
♀ 37922
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's tricky to find...go healing library - you'll see a page of FAQ's for navigating SI - but along the top in the first paragraph, you'll find FAQ's for BS's - I believe it's a red link ...

It says "see also BS FAQ WS FAQ "


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
mysticpenguin
♀ 38839
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh (((Penny)))

My heart breaks for you. :( In the difficult days, weeks, months to come, please remember this:

I need some happiness in my life I need a man who will love me like I love them.

You deserve that. You are a hard-working, compassionate, trusting, sweet woman. You deserve so much more than you are getting now.

I strongly agree with the advice to see a lawyer ASAP. As the spouse of a vet you may be able to get some free advice from OneSource -- I'm not 100% sure, but it's worth a call!

I understand your pity / sympathy / empathy for him because of his past and his brokenness, but he does know how much his cheating has hurt you in the past, so even if he is compartmentalizing, he is knowingly hurting you on some level. He has seen your pain before, and as he said to you over and over during R&R, he knows he is broken. Only he has the power to fix himself. By not fixing his own brokenness, he is punishing you with it. I can only imagine how much his repeated betrayals have hurt you. :(

Your husband sounds like he is emotionally abusive to you... threatening to cut you off, then saying he would not have done so; hurting you very very very badly and then overcompensating with a period of sweetness, only to hurt you again. He is also physically abusive in that he has exposed you time and time and time again to venereal disease. (If you haven't yet, and I'm not sure I saw it in your post, please get tested for STDs, including a pap smear. HPV is a HUGE risk; 1 in 6 sexually active American women have it, and men cannot be tested for it with any accuracy.) If I were you, I would call a hotline for women dealing with abuse and ask for recommendations for lawyers. When you call these lawyers, I read that someone else here left just their first name -- that way no one would flap their lips. MA is a big state -- I'm originally from Mass -- so if you live in, say, Boston, you could try finding a lawyer in Springfield. That would reduce the chance that your lawyer would know his lawyer friend.

I think that's enough info to throw at you for now I just feel a lot of empathy for you -- my WH is prior military and many of the women in my family have run in-home daycares, maybe that's why. Or maybe it's because your WH has run over your heart with an 18-wheeler four times Anyway, I'm here, and I care. (((hugs)))


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Take2
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Penny, I am so sorry for your pain. It sounds like you are on the right track: hope for the best, but prepare for the worse.

I wanted to add that you should apply now for a credit card in your name only. You want to secure it now while your income is calculated including his income. Not saying use it - but get one!

Secure copies of income tax returns, ins. policies, retirement accts, all things financial. Check out your credit - there are several places you can do this for free (found through .gov sites). There may be other debt out there you don't yet know about.

An atty. consult will give you a feel for what you can expect in SS and CS. Knowledge is power.

I also want you to know, that I was where you are 4.5 years ago. So much of your story resonates: his FOO issues, dangerous job, multiple affairs (though I learned of them all at the end) and the DREAMS, (how many I ignored...), the vaccilating generous impulses counterpoised with cruelty, and I was a SAHM, with no income.

We didn't make it. He couldn't or wouldn't do the work. I'm D but I am okay! I'm not living in a roach infested hotel room and you won't be either. That's what I want you to know. Whatever happens - you will be okay too!!

Stay sharp, do what you have to to protect yourself and your DD, and watch the money (because you know that is his button).

((Penny))

btw: The 180 is in the Healing Library BS FAQ #11.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4162 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Gr8Lady
♀ 36307
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have received lots of great advice.
Most importantly you have moral support from members that understand the heartbreak you have endured.
Bottom line you deserve better.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 626 | Registered: Jul 2012
Penny2013
♀ 39320
Member # 39320
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, with every post I feel stronger and stronger. Now he is away and that makes it much easier.
I spoke with my big brother today and told him what was going on. He was very supportive and asked why do I think this time I am ready to say good bye and let my WSH go? I said he nearly killed me the last time, our youngest is almost 14 and I have my Preschool so I do have income ( no if I am forced out of this house and he does not help me get a new smaller one I will be out of my job as well) that is a big concern for me, but I'm taking it one day at a time. I have so many times put my life and career on hold for him. It seems every time I get a good job he tells me we have to move or does something to get me to stop and just be at home ready and willing to do what ever he wants.

His affair in 2000 was with a women who was married and living in Belgium. Her husband had also had affairs. About four months maybe less after he was involved with her and told me he would end it and wanted to be with me he said I needed to have a open mind and not be so prudish. Well I never felt I was. I was very passionate and he would push me away so many times saying he was told old and to leave him alone. He is only 5 years older then me and I would hear this from the time he hit 30. After he came back from Belgium mad wanted to be with me he said he had been looking on line and found some places that had swingers and he wanted me to get dressed in some sexy cloths and wanted me to go with him. When I spoke of not wanting to do this he told me to stop being a prude and just keep a open mind. I tried. We drove up to one place and as soon as we pulled into the driveway I got a overwhelming thought that something really horrible would happen to me inside and I started crying and told him to please take me home it scared me. He did. Then he kept telling me he would be right there by my side and he would not let anything happen to me. A few weeks later he convinced me to go back. I did trying to make him happy. Once inside it was kind of scummy and just seemed dirty. We sat down at a table and he got us both a drink. I kept close eye or so I thought on my drink and before long a couple came and sat down by us and started talking. I don't know how but the next thing I knew we were in the back of the building in a bedroom with this couple and they were having sex. My husband took his clothes off and told me to do the same. He started touching me and then just kind of sat back and encourage the other man to take me. He wanted to have sex with me. I was terrified and my husband whispered in my ear don't worry I'm right here and you will be fine just enjoy it. The man came at me with no condom and I said again to my husband he needs to use a condom and my husband said not to worry that he was sure they all get tested. He pushed himself inside me and I hated every minute of it. I was not enjoying it at all. I felt disgusting and he was very rough. My husband was approached by the women and she started giving him oral s. he told her to stop that he just wanted to watch me. He said he wanted to see this man turn me on. Well he did not and I told him to get off me and stop. He did and I got up and told my husband I hated that and would never do that again. We left trying to just sneak out the door and the couple saw us leaving and said now make sure you come back and see us again. We never did. I told my husband I did not like that it was disgusting and that I did not want to be with other men only him. Plus the place was nasty. He found a different place that was very clean and looked very sophisticated . He wanted to go to this place and again told me to have a open mind and assured me I would not have to have sex with anyone else, but he wanted to watch the other couples. So I agreed. This was much better and we did not have sex with others, but I was amazed at how many people would just do anything right in front of others. He wanted to have sex so I told him I would only have sex if we found a room alone and it was clean with no one else. We did and we had sex. Well this has made me feel so ashamed for so many years. I never told anyone because i feel so ashamed that I let him push me into this. I found out just a month or two later I DID HAVE HPV. I had precancerous lesions on my cervix and had to have surgery. The doctor told me it was a STD. I was so pissed off and embarrassed at the same time plus scared for my life. We never went to a place like this again. I did get check after his affair in 2007, I will get checked again soon. We never had sex when he was home this past time and I am great full for that. The more I write about the things he has put me through and the more I go back in my head the more I think he has a split personality or is just really messed up in the head. I don't think I want to even be with him any more but I do hope for the kids sake that he will not turn mean and he will support us the way we deserve. It is hard to get to a attorney because of my hours but I have to try. As far as him being abusive he is emotionally and has put my self esteem down one minute then lifting me up at other times. He has bragged about me to coworkers how beautiful I am and hot and sexy. I think he treats me like a trophy wife, but had little feelings for me. True feelings for me. He has in the past told me if I ever tried to leave him (now this Has been maybe 25 years ago that he would burn the house down with me in it, after we moved back to MA in 2006 he said one day how he had friends that are sharp shooters and how they can hide in the woods and shoot from a distance and the person they were shooting would not ever see it coming). And then he said he had friends like that that were just waiting for a job. I took that back then as a new threat to me. He did not say I will higher someone if you try to leave me but he gave me this impression. After the affair in 07 I told myself I would not go through this again. I do remember thinking I was a fool and wished I had ended it then because I would have reason to file for divorce. Well now that this is going on again I am going to talk with a few attorneys and try to make this all about letting him go find his happiness. I will let him go be with the women he has been dreaming of and looking for all his life, the women he felt is his soul mate, they say it was love at first touch. They felt sparks when they touched. He is a very sick man and I can not let him continue to make my life so horrible. I am a very loving person and take my or took my marriage very seriously. I gave him 110% of me. So much so that I lost part of me in the mean while. I am finding myself and my strength through the help of all of you. I owe my oldest daughter the world. She sent this link to me one night when I was crying and just hurting so bad from finding out about his Betrayal again. I felt like my whole world was crashing down on me and that my whole marriage to him has been a show , He wanted a good pretty, kind women who would treat him well and be there when he needed me. I am angry at this but on the other hand if I did not have him I would not have the children I have now or the grandchildren.
I read about trying not to sound so excited about hearing from him, about staying strong and making some distance. I think that is good advice and I will try to start pushing him away. Telling him I'm to busy during my work hours to Face Time with him. He wants to do this daily sometime 2 times. I am suppose to call and have been calling him every night at 9 PM to wake him up on the other side of the world. He usually rushes me right off. I think he may even be telling me he is going to the gym but just getting on Face Time and or Face Book with her. ...question for you who have a IPhone 4S. He wants me to get one he said so we can face time from anyplace no matter where I am. He also wanted me to log onto a link that would find my IPAD if I lost it. He said it would also tell me because he had it where he was. Now thinking about what is going on I wonder was this so he could try to get everything I put on my IPAD or if I bought a IPhone to sync with his. This way he would see everything I have? Or was it so I would see what and where is was so he is wanting me to find out? I did not put the find my IPAD on it and so far have not bought a IPHONE. He did not even take his IPAD to Iraq with him this time. He bought a Mac lap top and has that with his IPHONE. Can you who have those items tell me is it easy to see everything the other is doing if you both have these items? Just wondering what is real motives are.

Thanks

Penny


Penny2013

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Western , Mass
NoraLee
♀ 37922
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's talking about a couple of things here I think - findmyiphone allows you to track the whereabouts of iPads and iPhones - I use it with my FWH. Also, theres a trick where once synced, all the iPhone owners history and text messages can be automatically forwarded to the iPad. I would be leery of doing this - this man sounds very scary and controlling and he's been mentally and emotionally abusing you for years - as youre now garnering the strength to see.

Be sure, once you hire the attorney that he knows about the threats he's made in the past. I would also contact your local domestic violence centre and start counselling - you may need them once he returns.

Read up about NPD - narcissistic personality disorder - there's info in the I Can Relate Forum about NPD and there are some real smart cookies there that can guide you in how to best deal with your H if he indeed has this.

Do you have any recourse through his job? It sounds like he is quasi-military? (I'm Canadian so not up on the military branches) should he return and start behaving irrationally, you could see if there is any help through his superiors...

I'm am relieved you are prepared to start living a healthy and happy life - I'm only concerned about his reaction. You need to get all your ducks in a row before he comes home. When you're ready, visit the knowledgable folks down in Divorced and Separated (D/S) they've either been through or seen folks through this and can offer more accurate info.

Keep posting - keep reading...

(((penny)))


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
NoraLee
♀ 37922
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btw - I think the tricks with the apple products works with iMac as well - dies he have the apple ID and password for your iPad? If so - change it ASAP...


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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