Take your kids out of the equation you have to do what's right for you.
Can you go see an IC to see if they can help get some clarity in what you want to do?
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
Then he smashed it all to hell and I realized I couldn't carry his broken ass any longer. Even though I wanted us to work. Even though I wanted to stay married. Even though I still loved him!
It was not enough in the end- and he's the one who proved it to me cause I couldn't see it myself.
I hated to leave, didn't want to leave, didn't want to share the kids, was scared about all of it. Did it anyway.
A lot of it sucks, but I'm having fun with the kids, and looking forward to eventually - hopefully - hooking up with a spouse who wants the same things I do, and will have some respect for me.
Doesn't sound like so much to want, eh?
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
have you tried IC? It could help you clear your head a little. There's no shame in filing D if you can't get past the A.
My X continued to lie and cheat after a year so it was an easy choice for me in the end.
ôMany of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.ö -foulton oursler
If your WH is in IC and doing the work to heal himself, and if you are both in MC to do the work to heal your M, then I would say there is hope. You can heal yourself with or without him.You cannot heal your M without your WH putting in a huge effort.
I didn't want it to be a dealbreaker and I raged against it but it just was. He knew it before he did it. I knew it on DD.
It was still an incredibly painful decision to make.
[This message edited by Got2GO at 2:02 PM, May 27th (Monday)]
How did you know it was time to D?
Two days after the first call she called my friend again but this time she was crying and told my friend she was ready to do anything to save the marriage.
Well this was in contrast to what she said 2 days back. So I knew nothing can be taken on face value. I then decided to keep a watch on her through a mole in her office and through OBS who was checking on her husband remotely.
I came to know she is still in contact with OM who was her boss. They went for tea coffee breaks, met outside, searched for an apartment to move together (since the neighbors had come to know about the A and my 180). Basically nothing had changed. She still wanted OM. She thought no one was watching her. She thought she'd get her family intact and continue with OM underground.
She was in damage control mode. I had not informed her relatives or OM's boss at her office. So she was basically wanting to rugsweep the whole thing and continue like nothing had happened.
I would have reconciled even if she had stopped all contact with OM, let alone being remorseful. But searching an apartment with OM was the heights.
My family and friends and myself made the decision that the dog's tail is not straightening up and she was not a person to have any remorse to begin with. She was more like I did not do anything wrong. Love happened.
That was the point I decided I did not deserve any of this. I decided to D.
At the Police station she said she had taken a vacation of 3 weeks to decide what she wants. But in the end she came to know no one was waiting for her decision. The decision was already made. That made her mad. She wanted to be in control. A, rug sweeping, deciding if she wanted to be in marriage etc.
I made the decision simple for her. I also knew R was impossible with this kind of a female that she had become.
D was the only option left for me.
It is scary, and sometimes I feel like I am all alone in the process. But not having to worry about what he is doing, where he is spending our money, has lifted a huge source of stress and anxiety off my back.
I was friendly with a guy on facebook who was a friend of my BF and realized I was on the verge of an EA. I sat down with my husband and told him all of it. When that didn't seem to make a difference, and I realized I was truly unhappy with my life. That is when I decided I needed to end it. I have never regretted it and I am much happier now.
And what I wanted most was for nothing to change.
I think it's all of what you wrote and fear is a large part of it. Fear of the unknown and fear of life outside of a relationship that's been going on for a long time. Fear of living outside the box or comfort zone.
But you know, now that I am on the other side-or getting there-life is becoming an interesting place. I can't say "good" or "ok", but interesting.
FWIW, it took me an entire calendar year to arrive at the divorce answer, but what I sought most was/is self-respect and a fight for the return of "normalcy" or routine and dignity for DD and I. While hanging in purgatory, I could not even attempt to provide those things for either of us.
And FWIW also, I am proud of what I did-filing-and standing up for us. Friends and relatives are mentioning things like respect and pride in me and people are seeing the "real me", where STBXH steamrolled and not many people knew who I really was or could be.
For me and a few other people I know who went through what you/we are, there is another detatchment we have to progress through-not only the spouse who wounded us but the marriage and lifestyle we had with them-it has to be realized that it is gone.
What helped me, finally, was to actually allow myself little bits of time where I would let myself imagine being single-or imagine myself with different walls and in another house. What would be so bad about it, esp. when the choice is begging a lying cheater to return? Dignity and self respect or waiting for a lying cheater?
I choose dignity. I choose respect.
And lastly, one of the pieces of advice or thought that helped me tons was actually from an unmarried priest, but has several divorced friends from his home in England. He said to me that waht they and he are learning is when infidelity touches a marriage, there is an innocence that is taken away between the people and family.
Forever second-guessing what a spouse is doing was torture for me for the short time he pretended to reconcile. I give you much credit for trying.
Sorry for my long message.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.