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How did you know it was time to D?

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Daisy312 posted 5/26/2013 06:31 AM

I'm a BS who is on the fence. Dday was just a little over a year ago. My WH has been doing everything that he can to try an fix the mess he has placed us in. The thing is, I am extremely depressed and often feel that no matter what he does, I will never trust him or love him the way that I did. I don't want to be away from him, but I don't know why. Is it because of love? Is it our two young kids? Is it embarrassment? Is it because I'm scared? I just want to move on with my life and lately I just feel stuck! I need to know how to sort through my feelings and make this huge decision!

Bluebird26 posted 5/26/2013 06:49 AM

There is no shame in getting a divorce, there is no shame if this is your breaking point. Whether it's a year out or 10 years out.

Take your kids out of the equation you have to do what's right for you.

Can you go see an IC to see if they can help get some clarity in what you want to do?

LadyQ posted 5/26/2013 08:03 AM

I went through the same thought/emotional process. In the end, I thought to myself, "why do I want this relationship? Why do I want THIS man?". And I realized, I didn't. He disrespected me throughout our marriage through affairs, emotional abuse, power plays. I didn't want him. I wanted the dream of having a good man in my life. When I realized I didn't have that and never had, I realized it was time to let go of my fantasy.

PurpleRose posted 5/26/2013 08:54 AM

I think it is different for each of us. I wanted my M to work because I loved my husband, loved being a "Mrs." and really enjoyed married, family life for almost all of our 20 year relationship.

Then he smashed it all to hell and I realized I couldn't carry his broken ass any longer. Even though I wanted us to work. Even though I wanted to stay married. Even though I still loved him!

It was not enough in the end- and he's the one who proved it to me cause I couldn't see it myself.

Pass posted 5/26/2013 09:14 AM

I went through the exact same thought process with my STBXWW as LadyQ.

I hated to leave, didn't want to leave, didn't want to share the kids, was scared about all of it. Did it anyway.

A lot of it sucks, but I'm having fun with the kids, and looking forward to eventually - hopefully - hooking up with a spouse who wants the same things I do, and will have some respect for me.

Doesn't sound like so much to want, eh?

hexed posted 5/26/2013 09:19 AM


have you tried IC? It could help you clear your head a little. There's no shame in filing D if you can't get past the A.

My X continued to lie and cheat after a year so it was an easy choice for me in the end.

heartbroken_kk posted 5/26/2013 11:06 AM

I was in IC, we were trying MC for the 3rd time. I desperately wanted my M to survive. But my WH would not do the work to cure himself of selfishness. I could not stand the narcissism any more. I could not lovethe man, the actual real person, that I was married to. I thought I had married someone else, and when I finally accepted that what I loved was an illusion that I had at first bought into because I believed it was real, and then later had kept alive as a memory and a fantasy in my mind, I was able to let go and give up and call it quits because the unremorseful bullshit created so much cognitive dissonance it finally blasted away the last of the BS fog.

If your WH is in IC and doing the work to heal himself, and if you are both in MC to do the work to heal your M, then I would say there is hope. You can heal yourself with or without him.You cannot heal your M without your WH putting in a huge effort.

Williesmom posted 5/27/2013 06:33 AM

I knew when the thought of being alone was more appealing than being with him and all the drama that was him.

SBB posted 5/27/2013 06:39 AM

He made it easier for me with his faux remorse but for me it when it started to get harder to forgive myself for staying.

I didn't want it to be a dealbreaker and I raged against it but it just was. He knew it before he did it. I knew it on DD.

It was still an incredibly painful decision to make.

Got2GO posted 5/27/2013 13:58 PM

I knew it was time when he had a heart attack. He cheated throughout the entire marriage. We were already separated for 2 years and I was hanging on for the tax break. Well when he had his heart attack and his adult children started looking at me as his potential care taker I knew I had to act fast! I got those papers drawn up and told his
old ass to sign them with the quickness! Let those hoes take care of him, lol!

[This message edited by Got2GO at 2:02 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

Happydays posted 5/28/2013 02:36 AM

How did you know it was time to D?

I was doing a hard 180 on my exW. When she couldn't get hold of me via email or phone calls she contacted my friend twice. The first time she blameshifted and Re-wrote marital history for 2 long hours. My friend just said, why all these things are coming out after the discovery of the A ?

Two days after the first call she called my friend again but this time she was crying and told my friend she was ready to do anything to save the marriage.

Well this was in contrast to what she said 2 days back. So I knew nothing can be taken on face value. I then decided to keep a watch on her through a mole in her office and through OBS who was checking on her husband remotely.

I came to know she is still in contact with OM who was her boss. They went for tea coffee breaks, met outside, searched for an apartment to move together (since the neighbors had come to know about the A and my 180). Basically nothing had changed. She still wanted OM. She thought no one was watching her. She thought she'd get her family intact and continue with OM underground.
She was in damage control mode. I had not informed her relatives or OM's boss at her office. So she was basically wanting to rugsweep the whole thing and continue like nothing had happened.

I would have reconciled even if she had stopped all contact with OM, let alone being remorseful. But searching an apartment with OM was the heights.

My family and friends and myself made the decision that the dog's tail is not straightening up and she was not a person to have any remorse to begin with. She was more like I did not do anything wrong. Love happened.

That was the point I decided I did not deserve any of this. I decided to D.

At the Police station she said she had taken a vacation of 3 weeks to decide what she wants. But in the end she came to know no one was waiting for her decision. The decision was already made. That made her mad. She wanted to be in control. A, rug sweeping, deciding if she wanted to be in marriage etc.

I made the decision simple for her. I also knew R was impossible with this kind of a female that she had become.
D was the only option left for me.

Amazonia posted 5/28/2013 06:01 AM

For me it was when I realized things could never go back to what they were before, and that neither of us loved the other enough to build a new relationship together.

hurting2much posted 5/28/2013 06:39 AM

For me, XWH made that decision. He started cheating again. I knew at the moment I found out, that I was not going to live my life like this (walking on eggshells, making sure his wants/needs came first, because if they weren't, then he would cheat again).

It is scary, and sometimes I feel like I am all alone in the process. But not having to worry about what he is doing, where he is spending our money, has lifted a huge source of stress and anxiety off my back.

ninebark posted 5/28/2013 06:44 AM

I tried to R for two years. One day I realized that I had forgiven him more or less for the affair, but he seemed unwilling to work on the other problems he had. He was still moody, cranky, Mr. fun adn happy with friends but nasty to us. I had had enough.

I was friendly with a guy on facebook who was a friend of my BF and realized I was on the verge of an EA. I sat down with my husband and told him all of it. When that didn't seem to make a difference, and I realized I was truly unhappy with my life. That is when I decided I needed to end it. I have never regretted it and I am much happier now.

Ashland13 posted 5/28/2013 07:50 AM

I thought that if I didn't file for divorce, I could pretend it wasn't happening...when it was going to happen anyway.

And what I wanted most was for nothing to change.

I think it's all of what you wrote and fear is a large part of it. Fear of the unknown and fear of life outside of a relationship that's been going on for a long time. Fear of living outside the box or comfort zone.

But you know, now that I am on the other side-or getting there-life is becoming an interesting place. I can't say "good" or "ok", but interesting.

FWIW, it took me an entire calendar year to arrive at the divorce answer, but what I sought most was/is self-respect and a fight for the return of "normalcy" or routine and dignity for DD and I. While hanging in purgatory, I could not even attempt to provide those things for either of us.

And FWIW also, I am proud of what I did-filing-and standing up for us. Friends and relatives are mentioning things like respect and pride in me and people are seeing the "real me", where STBXH steamrolled and not many people knew who I really was or could be.

For me and a few other people I know who went through what you/we are, there is another detatchment we have to progress through-not only the spouse who wounded us but the marriage and lifestyle we had with them-it has to be realized that it is gone.

What helped me, finally, was to actually allow myself little bits of time where I would let myself imagine being single-or imagine myself with different walls and in another house. What would be so bad about it, esp. when the choice is begging a lying cheater to return? Dignity and self respect or waiting for a lying cheater?

I choose dignity. I choose respect.

And lastly, one of the pieces of advice or thought that helped me tons was actually from an unmarried priest, but has several divorced friends from his home in England. He said to me that waht they and he are learning is when infidelity touches a marriage, there is an innocence that is taken away between the people and family.

Forever second-guessing what a spouse is doing was torture for me for the short time he pretended to reconcile. I give you much credit for trying.

Sorry for my long message.

amiready posted 5/28/2013 08:35 AM

I am in this EXACT place. My H took me house hunting this weekend and is willing to drive an hour to work (right now its 5 min and he swore he would never leave here) just to have his family back. But all that and I still feel like I am just about ready to S, if not D. I need to step up and make a change happen as nothing is working to make me feel like it will ever get better. I went to IC and the very next day I went to MC with WH. IC practically gave me numbers to lawyers as he felt that I was there, MC asked me to move from "I can't" to "i will someday..." or "i won't".... We have to ultimately make the decision ourselves (i have 2 small children too). I think I fear the unknown and the uncertainty of his reaction...

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