I backed off to let her mentally strengthen. We hadn't had a serious relationship discussion in over a month. Then, she was diagnosed with an "urgent" heart ailment and had open heart surgery last Monday. I was with her for more than every visiting hour.
Yesterday morning, I arrived to find her in a video chat with the other man. She did her best to hide it from me. After a very brief 15 minute stay, rather than the 12 hour constant visits and satisfying every on-demand need and want, I left.
She is facing a 2 to 3 month recovery. She can't drive for at least a month. She needs to avoid stress.
What are my moral responsibilities, both if I decide to try to reconcile and if I simply want to end the marriage? This other man lives 275 miles away. She needs significant follow up care with her doctors. Her moving 275 miles away isn't a realistic option for her. I can't think of anyone else that could take her in and care for her during this period.
I've been through this emotional cheating so many times over the past 6 months that this time, I just feel numb.
Is there anyway you can make arrangements for family or her friends to come help her? What about home health nurses? How much actual hands on care will she need? Obviously she will need help driving. But she should be able to bathe and feed herself. What does the doctor expect her to be capable of?
As to a moral obligation, I think you have to decide what your own code is regarding that. I felt no moral obligation to stay with x just because he was diagnosed with an illness. He too had maintained contact through reconciliation. At that point, I suppose you could say I acted selfishly and opted out to "save myself", but I don't see it that way. I realize the situation is different in that she will need care, but I don't think you are morally obligated to anything.
Now having said that, what would *I* do? I'd probably accept the guilt and nurse the patient back to health. Resentfully, if he/she was still acting out.
Does she have any family near by?
I would contact them and tell them the whole sordid story and ask them for their help in caring for her.
I would not be able to be the main healthcare provider in a situation like this.
My guess, since most betrayed men seem to react this way, is that you have not told any of her family members about the infidelity.
I did the opposite. After finding out about my FWH's LTA-I told everyone.
It's really hard to deal with this without support. Please don't keep her secrets for her.
Tell someone. Get advise in real life as well as on SI.
I went to IC for 4 years and that was crucial for my health and well being and recovery from the trauma of the infidelity.
I also leaned on friends and family for support.
What would you have done if she didn't have this health issue? Had you made a decision on what you would do if she didn't stay NC? Would you have given her another chance at R? Or would have you have proceeded with D? What were your boundaries for R? Even though she didn't give you the chance to talk about it with her, you don't have compromise your boundaries even in this situation.
You could set boundaries while you care for her since her continuing to talk with her AP would be beyond disrespectful to you while you care for her. She's unlikely to agree or comply, though, since she's still deep in the fog, so how do you manage your feelings around that? Are you good at putting your feelings on hold?
Most human beings who would undertake caring for their WS under these circumstances would experience tremendous frustration, disappointment and resentment unless they were saints. Are you a saint? if not, are you able to do this consciously and work through tremendous emotions around continued betrayal and frustration and put those feelings on hold for the time it takes for her to recover fully? Are you in IC? Do you have many people IRL who support you?
You're right this is the "in sickness and in health" part we sign up for, but yours are unique circumstances. The real downside is that this is a tremendous opportunity for your WS to continue to abuse her vows and you. How do you handle that?
We are in R.
I think your wife's INCREDIBLE show of disrespect to the ONE person whose been there for her time and time again, is beyond disgusting.
You don't owe her squat.
I supposed I would perform all the perfunctory chores that need to be done while she's healing, but as soon as she was well, I'd kick her to the curb so fast her head would spin.
Plus they have nurses who can come out and help or she could hire an aide/assistant/neighborhood kid depending on the level of care she requires... Yes its expensive but...consequences to her actions ya know?!
presently working towards...well i don't know anymore...
Is she eligible for assistance from an Aide when she's released? Does the hospital have someone you can discuss the situation with as far as getting aftercare?
One thing I would definitely not do is give her the care she needs in the hope of it fixing your marriage. There's a possibility that she will go back to the OM once she's healthy.
Like I said, it's a mess. I am so sorry you're caught in this dilemma.
If yes, I say fine, drive her to her appointments, that's it though. I would do the very bare minimum needed- in a month when she can drive herself, she can drive herself. Don't stay at her appointments with her- drop her off, go get a cup of coffee, have her call you and wait for her to come get you when she is done.
Better yet, if she has any family/friends who could drive her, make them do it.
You can't start to R before she is ready. I think that the fact that you were at her side despite how much she hurt you...and then no sooner does she open her eyes after surgery does she start cheating again is a very good indication that she isn't even in a place where she is ready to ask to R because she isn't do even cheating!
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
Logically, I'd say your responsibilities are minimal, but logic will probably take a back seat now. Among other things, if it were me, every contact would be stressful, and she needs to reduce stress. In other words, contact probably will hurt both of you, and so will reducing contact.
Her family is probably the best bet. If you keep money separate, in this sitch I'd want costs to come from my W's funds, but I'm not too forgiving of unremorseful and/or manipulative WSes.
There's no right way here. No matter what you do, you lose a lot, so whatever you do, congratulate yourself for the choice you make; don't beat yourself up. Right - easier said than done.
[This message edited by sisoon at 11:47 AM, May 26th (Sunday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Your WW appears to be well enough to continue her adulterous affair. She's 49 years old, and she had grown kids and a family.
Personally I'd count my losses and let her family and boyfriend take care of her.
That's how I'd view my "responsibilities" if my WH was conducting his ongoing affair from a hospital bed, but that's just me.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
I sold my soul.
The only thing I can say, is try to be as emotionally detached as possible. You will NOT win over your WW with your kindness and goodheartedness.
Do the bare minimum , business of taking care of WW when she comes home.
Go to IC for YOU.
Line up your ducks and contact a lawyer.
She will NOT appreciate what you are doing. If you decide to take care of her because you feel you should, then do it, but you are doing it because she's a human being who needs help. She will not be grateful. My WH got angry at me and gave me the silent treatment for a week while I was taking care of him. And then accused ME of ignoring him!!!
Take care of yourself as much as possible and tell everyone IRL of the sitch. Get her family to help her too.
Post here as often as you need to for support!!
Don't let the KISA tendencies overwhelm you. She does not deserve you in her life. Hell, her actions show that, at best she wants you to nurse her back to health for his benefit.
At worst, expose her affair to her family. Explain the whole situation and the inform them that you cannot be expected to play nursemaid.
See a lawyer, find out what your exposure here is. File for D. You can always stop the process.