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Sense of humor...

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BeyondBreaking posted 5/26/2013 10:00 AM

I have a question for anyone who is farther out on this: when will I be able to calm down about triggers?

On the one hand, I get it when I am acting ridiculous. Last night, for example, fiancé and I went to a movie and there was a preview for a new movie coming out- a comedy where Jennifer Aniston plays a stripper. The movie is not about strippers at all, there was maybe 30 seconds of the preview where she happened to be in a strip club, whatever. Fiancé said he wanted to see the movie- because it looked funny. Of course, my irrational, easily triggered, illogical self decided that it was because he wanted to watch her as a stripper (why I feel like that I don't know- he isn't even into Jennifer Aniston, or strippers- he hasn't even been to a strip club since he was 18 years old), and I got all moody, which caused a fight.

Because of things he has said or done, I am extremely triggered by: any mention of threesomes, cheating (even in movies), strippers, dating sites, etc... I DON'T find a sense of humor about any of those things, even if it is in a movie or something. I just can't laugh.

Fiancé insists that if I am still THIS upset and can't find a sense of humor about a goofy movie (obviously he wouldn't expect me to be laughing if the situation was happening in real life), then I don't really forgive him. Is he right? Is being so wound tightly a sign that I haven't reached a point of forgiveness yet?

I love him so much and we have more good days than bad (I tend to come here and vent more about the bad days than share the good). I know I love him and I don't regret R, and I don't think that the decision to get married is a mistake. We have come a long way, and he is my best friend, my soulmate, and my partner. I just don't think I am ready to laugh at stuff that reminds me of what he did. Will I ever be able to watch a movie, or hear a joke without being reminded? Will I ever be able to have a sense of humor?

Rebreather posted 5/26/2013 10:25 AM

Nothing you did or how you reacted is irriational, you really know that, don't you? We are very, very wounded after being traumatized by the person we trust the most. It is perfectly rational to see Partner+Pretty Girl = pain. So, frankly, I think he is out of line with his comments and perspective. A remoseful person would have reacted differently.

Upon more time and healing, you will get your sense of humor back. I didn't think ANYTHING was funny, period, for quite some time.

Finally, I have a personal, major problem with any betrayer putting ANY pressure on their victim to forgive them. That again is a sign of a lack of humility which is required for true remorse.

cdnmommy posted 5/26/2013 11:44 AM

My question is, why would you or he expect you to have forgiven him? What has he done to earn your forgiveness? I read your profile, and it sounds as though he didn't make an effort to change after you caught him the first time, so what is he doing to show you that he is truly remorseful?

I am 2.5 years into R with a FWH who has worked his butt off and accepted my sometimes confusing and (I'll admit) ridiculous triggers. He has not once asked me if I forgive him or convinced me that I should be over it.

I just worry that you and he are putting pressure on you to be "over" something that there is really no getting over. You don't get over it to reconcile. You work through it to reconcile, and that requires that he do a ton of introspection and heavy lifting to make himself a safe partner for you. What work is he doing?

To answer your question: you will calm down about triggers when you are ready. Not before. And certainly not if he is not "getting it". It doesn't mean you are wound tightly. It means you were traumatized and that you need time and effort to move through it.

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