I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.
I have a question for anyone who is farther out on this: when will I be able to calm down about triggers?
On the one hand, I get it when I am acting ridiculous. Last night, for example, fiancÚ and I went to a movie and there was a preview for a new movie coming out- a comedy where Jennifer Aniston plays a stripper. The movie is not about strippers at all, there was maybe 30 seconds of the preview where she happened to be in a strip club, whatever. FiancÚ said he wanted to see the movie- because it looked funny. Of course, my irrational, easily triggered, illogical self decided that it was because he wanted to watch her as a stripper (why I feel like that I don't know- he isn't even into Jennifer Aniston, or strippers- he hasn't even been to a strip club since he was 18 years old), and I got all moody, which caused a fight.
Because of things he has said or done, I am extremely triggered by: any mention of threesomes, cheating (even in movies), strippers, dating sites, etc... I DON'T find a sense of humor about any of those things, even if it is in a movie or something. I just can't laugh.
FiancÚ insists that if I am still THIS upset and can't find a sense of humor about a goofy movie (obviously he wouldn't expect me to be laughing if the situation was happening in real life), then I don't really forgive him. Is he right? Is being so wound tightly a sign that I haven't reached a point of forgiveness yet?
I love him so much and we have more good days than bad (I tend to come here and vent more about the bad days than share the good). I know I love him and I don't regret R, and I don't think that the decision to get married is a mistake. We have come a long way, and he is my best friend, my soulmate, and my partner. I just don't think I am ready to laugh at stuff that reminds me of what he did. Will I ever be able to watch a movie, or hear a joke without being reminded? Will I ever be able to have a sense of humor?
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."