I realize that I don't define myself as someone who was cheated on. It happened. It doesn't define me NOW. I am so much more than that.
I know that for a long time it did, just as being married defined me before that. It was a defining event and it consumed my emotions and my daily chores and tasks as I fought my way free to a NB. But (for me) being a BS was akin to being a martyr and I think as long as I was betrayed, I could not be healed.
I think this is related to detachment but not quite the same as. It is more a choice not to let my past define my present.
I remember reading taglines who had no BS/WS markers or even a "him, doesn't matter anymore" and I remember thinking HOW can it NOT matter??? Now I get it. There comes a time when it just doesn't matter anymore... or at the very least it matters so much less that it doesn't really matter.
This year is a huge turning point. I now find myself focussing on the next five years, planning what I'm going to study and dreaming about where I want to end up.
Five years ago you could have told me that and I never would have believed it.
Very long journey, but the end result is worth the ride...
Once I decided to D, I was very open about what happened; prior to that I didn't want to let too much out in the event that we R'd.
Here, I continue to use the designation so that newer members can orient to whatever I'm saying.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
And I think all the labels mean something in my own mind, so it is good to have let some of them go.
I guess you could say that's a form of self-definition.
no longer betrayed nor a wife
The cheating/betrayal was the least of what he did to me. No, I don't define myself as a betrayed wife. Just like I don't define myself as an incest victim. I don't define myself as a victim of rape. All those things are external. External things don't define me. Furthermore, they're things that were done to me against my will. I'm not going to let someone else's choices define me.
In many ways, I feel like SI has opened my eyes to understanding people much better, both on the hurting and the hurt side, and I feel like I can empathize as often with the WSs as I can with the BSs. I think that may be a little odd, but I've always been a little odd.
Outside of SI, I'm starting to not even identify as a divorcee anymore, which is weird, because it REALLY defined me for a while. Not having kids and having been married such a short time helps. No one would guess I am divorced if I didn't tell them, and most people are pretty surprised to learn it. I could very easily just never tell anyone.
Don't get me wrong, I don't have any problem with being divorced. It just isn't relevant anymore, as so many more important and current things define me instead. I guess the more that I develop in myself, the less my relationship status (in any form, whether "divorcee" or "girlfriend" or "single") defines who I am. Rather, I am defined by myself, not to whom I am attached.
[This message edited by Amazonia at 3:06 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]
So huge for me. Openly flirting (for me...that is a flirt!).
Yesterday, I was volunteering at my local botanical garden, something I've done for over a year now. I know the director of my area fairly well, but no "details" about my life. He asked what I was doing this weekend, I said, "Kids are going to their Dad's, I'm hanging with friends and family".
He said, "Where does your ex live? What are they (kids) doing this weekend?"
I replied, "He and his partner are taking the kids to a park."
It flowed off of me so effortlessly, I stopped talking. Director said, "Well, cmego, as beautiful and sweet as you are....it is totally his loss." (This was flirtatious...he is like my Dad's age)
I smiled and said thank you.
And for the first time...I believed someone. It was a comment that made my day.
I'm beginning to realize that I AM attractive. It is OK to flirt. Men ARE going to like me. I'm not broken any longer. I'm not defined by my marriage any longer.
Must be something in the air. Or maybe there is something to the timeline and the process.
"me too" affirmations are the best.