A neighbour of a friend is going through a divorce because of an infidelity, friends were about to gossip then the looks came basically saying 'not in front of them'.
Is this just it now?
I'm a bit under the weather so my husband's friend carried some stuff from the car- his new GF was watching me like a hawk. Another of my H's friend's isn't allowed round today because I'm here, his GF doesn't trust him around me, as if I'm going to pounce.
I know I've brought it on myself and I could be feeling sorry for myself because I'm not so well but, will this last forever?
I've also learned that people are hypocrites. I'm sure they've all done things they're not proud of and it's very easy to judge and put others down (even with a look), to make yourself feel better about things.
If you know that day by day you're healing, and being the best YOU you can be, try not to worry so much about labels. What counts the most are your intentions and actions. Go with that .
[This message edited by broken81 at 1:29 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]
I'm not some siren luring men my way. I'm scared to say or do anything that makes it look dodgy, then by avoiding, it looks worse!
It's ridiculous but I was sat behind 3 little kiddies in a row doing row row your boat and my nephew while trying to sit back further pushed my legs and I yelped because 'the splits' aren't my thing... My BIL said "come on you don't usually have a problem opening your legs" then he went bright red, everyone went quiet and BIL was like "I was joking, I'd forgotten about 'that'"- To be fair before all this shit it's just the kind of 'joke' everyone said so I believe it wasn't intentional.
They're definitely hypocrites- the one 'not allowed' is because he had multiple affairs but he's just seen as 'one of the lads'.
The thing is, it doesn't help my husband one bit, he's become super protective of me lately. They're supposed to be his friends.
It's OK Broken, I'm glad of your opinion, thank you.
They're supposed to be his friends.
To me this is where the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" has its truth. It's not the actions that dont go away but the label.
People may forgive and give back trust but i dont think they forget cheating.
Again, if they do, good for them. It doesn't affect me and what I know about myself and my marriage.
I think it helps that my BH and I have a wall around the marriage now, a protective shield around each other. People can sense it, hence they respect the marriage and each of us, because we do.
With time, healing, consistent actions, and transparency, your confidence will grow and the awkwardness will fade, or at least become unimportant to you.
Honey I am a BS here I see no stop sign.
Don't worry about others. Laugh and enjoy life.
Authenticnow said it!
I tell people to tend to their porch before they try sweeping mine!
Next time someone acts like that just say something.
Come up with something sassy that you and your spouse think will be ok. Then if he is around your spouse he knows you are feeling upset and you need his support too.
The self-righteous will fall.
Those who feel the need to look down on you and continue to berate you, should look deep within themselves for why.
Your BIL acted like an ass. You should have told him so. I would avoid him, as that sort of comment is toxic.
The double standard for men and women is real. Can't change that ...it just is. We just have to be the best women we can be.
As far as women guarding their men from you...only you know how safe u are. I think it is na´ve to think someone is unsafe or safe based on appearance, or history. You never know. Not every WS wears a red flag. Most of us are just regular people. Yeah, there are a few outlandish sirens out there that can be spotted a mile away. More common on tv and movies as a caricature than in real life, I think.
Who gives a fuck what others think? You be good for you, your BH, and your fam.
To me this is where the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" has its truth. It's not the actions that don't go away but the label.
My take on this is that people do remember what a WS did. It doesn't mean they won't forgive or appreciate the changes a WS makes. They may not judge or harbor a negative opinion either but the label can stick anyway.
An example is a former alcoholic. The label alcoholic can still stick but the definition of former defines the persons positive action taken while still acknowledging the previous problem. I think that cheating can be similar to this.
Don't worry about the present or past tense of the label as far as other people applying it to you. Your focus really only needs to be on yours and your BS's point of view regarding the label of cheater.
[This message edited by FaithStricken at 11:21 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]
I just hate the fact that they know and feel the need to judge or worse, try and act normal then look freaked out when something is said. It's uncomfortable, for my husband more than anyone. His friends are jokers and they'll say something without thinking then it will just be "I didn't mean 'that".
Or last but not least a debate will happen "I couldn't stay with my Mrs if she cheated so fair play to you" - and that helps my husband how exactly? Some of his friends were great though, no stupid rude jokes and said it's never that simple. They're the ones who quickly changed the subject too.
I'm not a siren, their boyfriends and husbands are all safe, I won't lure them to their demise. They've been safe all this time and as far as they're concerned, nothing's changed no matter what I've done.
Luckily my husband is a joker himself so when they were discussing the absent friend, my H said he struggles to keep his hands off him being the handsome bloke he is. He's my hero.
I'd like the awkward moments to get fewer and farther between, ideally ASAP. I think it would help my H more than me even, not being reminded constantly.
If he allows the joking he is giving the signal that it is okay. Your marriage should be off limits to others...joking, conversations, etc. You are getting set up to be the scapegoat. How convenient for everyone else.
Go around the table and let's talk about who has done what in their lives (not really, just saying). Let's open some closets and get out some skeletons. Let's make everyone squirm, not just Sienna.
This is the kind of shit that pisses me off.
Don't allow yourself to be the scapegoat.
Again, excuse my language but, fuck that.
It's like I've said before, they've always said some jokes but previously my H would secretly dislike it but laugh along outwardly, he doesn't do that now. Since I told him how much it hurts me.
They have all had their internal friendships drama- such as one of guys there texting one of their mate's GFs- all forgotten now though, I've made it a distant memory.
Before I met my H I actually (stupidly) had a ONS with one of his friends, he wasn't married then and I don't have a clue if he was seeing his now wife. I'm pretty sure his wife doesn't know. My H does, he did before he got with me but I do sometimes think that drama might be coming. This friend of his treats it like I do, ancient history.
They're not all sweetness and light though. I've made a hundred bad choices, but I'm sure they have too.
Like I said, it just be because I'm not so well and feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted to say "oh you're so perfect? Have you told him about the guy you kissed? And you're OK about him texting her? When he said he was working late no he was drunk asleep in my living room with H! That thing you let him do that he priomised not to tell anyone, yeah we all know and no we would never let our partners do that!!" But, no, I sat there quietly playing with mine and their children because I wasn't too scandalous to feed them and their children or to keep the kids entertained.
It would be brilliant to say all that!
[This message edited by Sienna500 at 6:16 AM, May 27th (Monday)]
People seem to forget that no one is perfect and everyone has done something minor or major someone else can judge them about. Glass houses and all that jazz.
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
Sienna, IMO you should say it. If it continues, I would.
Glass houses...exactly what came to my mind when I was reading the posts.
I thought my sister was going to yesterday, she said "what..." Then I cut her off with a bottle of lager to the mouth. There's enough drama around!
I'm going to stop hounding you now. I think you get the picture on how I feel about this .
We had a wardrobe issue yesterday- we'd clearly both been to a sale and were wearing the same outfit. A GF of my H's friend said "I know she's your sister but you can't blame us for being concerned" I said "she's young free and single" the GF looked mortified. The sister I'm referring to happens to be by twin and was fuming with it, she's not pregnant!
You can't keep quiet. They will keep pushing the boundaries. Do not let them. It is ridiculous that they think it is okay to go off at the mouth. With all due respect your actions were against your H not them. Being supportive does not include being rude.
My H has said but that's what makes it awkward. They say something and then backtrack or something comes up in conversation and they feel the need to stop it dead, sort of as per H's instructions.
I'd like to be at a stage where my actions aren't on their minds and realise I'm not a man hungry demon!
They're definitely not innocents and just because my shit is 'out there' it doesn't mean it should be focussed on by them. If you know what I mean?
I could never say anything to them, I literally couldn't do it. Even when they joke, like BIL does, I just keep quiet.
[This message edited by Sienna500 at 7:43 AM, May 27th (Monday)]
You are only 4 months out, probably feel like forever, but really not that long.
Not everyone on the "outside" know how to handle things like this, we are all learning not just the ones in M's affected by infidelity, but those who know people in M's affected by infidelity need a learning curve to imo.
Unfortunately you will have to deal with "those who have gone before you" and their aftermath. By that I mean all the WS who "R" and then do it again either fairly soon or years later. It happens, we read about it here, etc. People hold that in the back of their minds unfortunately.
I think what it really boils down to is the individual, we can only change ourselves, work on ourselves, etc, we cannot change others minds, perspectives, etc, no matter how hard we try how trustworthy we "prove" ourselves to be for how many years, etc.
Also, people put up their biggest defenses around things that scare them the most, and infidelity is such a painful thing there is much fear over it even from people who are not directly involved, it is just human nature and something to empathize over imo.
If others are being rude or destructive then I agree with getting them out of your life, but if they are just making you uncomfortable with their own "working out" of this all, perhaps consider it an opportunity for more growth and strength.