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Sienna500 posted 5/26/2013 10:46 AM

I'm just wondering how much time needs to pass before there isn't so much awkwardness with friends and family?

A neighbour of a friend is going through a divorce because of an infidelity, friends were about to gossip then the looks came basically saying 'not in front of them'.

Is this just it now?

I'm a bit under the weather so my husband's friend carried some stuff from the car- his new GF was watching me like a hawk. Another of my H's friend's isn't allowed round today because I'm here, his GF doesn't trust him around me, as if I'm going to pounce.

I know I've brought it on myself and I could be feeling sorry for myself because I'm not so well but, will this last forever?

authenticnow posted 5/26/2013 10:49 AM

I don't know, Sienna. I eventually got to the point that I knew how hard I was working on myself and I stopped giving a shit what others thought.

I've also learned that people are hypocrites. I'm sure they've all done things they're not proud of and it's very easy to judge and put others down (even with a look), to make yourself feel better about things.

If you know that day by day you're healing, and being the best YOU you can be, try not to worry so much about labels. What counts the most are your intentions and actions. Go with that .

broken81 posted 5/26/2013 13:25 PM

To me this is where the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" has its truth. It's not the actions that dont go away but the label.
People may forgive and give back trust but i dont think they forget cheating.
It's probably not wrong for other woman not to trust you..its a womans instinct... but the best you can do is show them that you arent that person anymore and regain their trust.
That will take a long time im sure.
ETA: i didnt mean for it to be mean. Just that infidelity causes everyone to doubt you not just the person you betrayed and trust is so hard to get back, it returns it specs not chunks.

[This message edited by broken81 at 1:29 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

Sienna500 posted 5/26/2013 13:57 PM

I wish I didn't care but I do.

I'm not some siren luring men my way. I'm scared to say or do anything that makes it look dodgy, then by avoiding, it looks worse!

It's ridiculous but I was sat behind 3 little kiddies in a row doing row row your boat and my nephew while trying to sit back further pushed my legs and I yelped because 'the splits' aren't my thing... My BIL said "come on you don't usually have a problem opening your legs" then he went bright red, everyone went quiet and BIL was like "I was joking, I'd forgotten about 'that'"- To be fair before all this shit it's just the kind of 'joke' everyone said so I believe it wasn't intentional.

They're definitely hypocrites- the one 'not allowed' is because he had multiple affairs but he's just seen as 'one of the lads'.

The thing is, it doesn't help my husband one bit, he's become super protective of me lately. They're supposed to be his friends.

It's OK Broken, I'm glad of your opinion, thank you.

authenticnow posted 5/26/2013 14:36 PM

They're supposed to be his friends.
We got rid of friends who weren't friends of the marriage after d-day. People who weren't healthy for us as a couple were gone. Something to consider.

To me this is where the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" has its truth. It's not the actions that dont go away but the label.
People may forgive and give back trust but i dont think they forget cheating.
Maybe I'm in denial but I think the people who know don't see me and think, 'there's the cheater'. They may know it, it may be in the back of their mind somewhere, but I'd like to think that it doesn't come to mind whenever they see me.

Again, if they do, good for them. It doesn't affect me and what I know about myself and my marriage.

I think it helps that my BH and I have a wall around the marriage now, a protective shield around each other. People can sense it, hence they respect the marriage and each of us, because we do.

LosferWords posted 5/26/2013 16:10 PM

There's only one person that can put a label on you, and that is you. If anyone else tries to put a label on you as they see fit, there's no reason accept it. They need to get a life of their own.

With time, healing, consistent actions, and transparency, your confidence will grow and the awkwardness will fade, or at least become unimportant to you.

heartache101 posted 5/26/2013 20:59 PM


Honey I am a BS here I see no stop sign.

Don't worry about others. Laugh and enjoy life.
Authenticnow said it!

I tell people to tend to their porch before they try sweeping mine!
Next time someone acts like that just say something.
Come up with something sassy that you and your spouse think will be ok. Then if he is around your spouse he knows you are feeling upset and you need his support too.

Mrs Panda posted 5/26/2013 21:11 PM

Do not allow yourself to be judged.

The self-righteous will fall.

Those who feel the need to look down on you and continue to berate you, should look deep within themselves for why.

Your BIL acted like an ass. You should have told him so. I would avoid him, as that sort of comment is toxic.

The double standard for men and women is real. Can't change that just is. We just have to be the best women we can be.

As far as women guarding their men from you...only you know how safe u are. I think it is nave to think someone is unsafe or safe based on appearance, or history. You never know. Not every WS wears a red flag. Most of us are just regular people. Yeah, there are a few outlandish sirens out there that can be spotted a mile away. More common on tv and movies as a caricature than in real life, I think.

Who gives a fuck what others think? You be good for you, your BH, and your fam.

Be well.

FaithStricken posted 5/26/2013 23:20 PM

To me this is where the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" has its truth. It's not the actions that don't go away but the label.

My take on this is that people do remember what a WS did. It doesn't mean they won't forgive or appreciate the changes a WS makes. They may not judge or harbor a negative opinion either but the label can stick anyway.

An example is a former alcoholic. The label alcoholic can still stick but the definition of former defines the persons positive action taken while still acknowledging the previous problem. I think that cheating can be similar to this.

Don't worry about the present or past tense of the label as far as other people applying it to you. Your focus really only needs to be on yours and your BS's point of view regarding the label of cheater.

[This message edited by FaithStricken at 11:21 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

Sienna500 posted 5/27/2013 03:55 AM

My husband was perfect, once upon a time he'd laugh along at those jokes but he didn't he gave his brother a look which is why he said he was joking.

I just hate the fact that they know and feel the need to judge or worse, try and act normal then look freaked out when something is said. It's uncomfortable, for my husband more than anyone. His friends are jokers and they'll say something without thinking then it will just be "I didn't mean 'that".

Or last but not least a debate will happen "I couldn't stay with my Mrs if she cheated so fair play to you" - and that helps my husband how exactly? Some of his friends were great though, no stupid rude jokes and said it's never that simple. They're the ones who quickly changed the subject too.

I'm not a siren, their boyfriends and husbands are all safe, I won't lure them to their demise. They've been safe all this time and as far as they're concerned, nothing's changed no matter what I've done.

Luckily my husband is a joker himself so when they were discussing the absent friend, my H said he struggles to keep his hands off him being the handsome bloke he is. He's my hero.

I'd like the awkward moments to get fewer and farther between, ideally ASAP. I think it would help my H more than me even, not being reminded constantly.

authenticnow posted 5/27/2013 05:40 AM

Again, if the people you and H are hanging out with are reminding you constantly, they are not friends of the marriage. Why allow this disrespect? Why is it their business?

If he allows the joking he is giving the signal that it is okay. Your marriage should be off limits to others...joking, conversations, etc. You are getting set up to be the scapegoat. How convenient for everyone else.

Go around the table and let's talk about who has done what in their lives (not really, just saying). Let's open some closets and get out some skeletons. Let's make everyone squirm, not just Sienna.

This is the kind of shit that pisses me off.

Don't allow yourself to be the scapegoat.
Again, excuse my language but, fuck that.

Sienna500 posted 5/27/2013 06:14 AM

Most have been his friends since school and are alright. Some were harsh to begin with but it was through loyalty to my H and thy're alright now.

It's like I've said before, they've always said some jokes but previously my H would secretly dislike it but laugh along outwardly, he doesn't do that now. Since I told him how much it hurts me.

They have all had their internal friendships drama- such as one of guys there texting one of their mate's GFs- all forgotten now though, I've made it a distant memory.

Before I met my H I actually (stupidly) had a ONS with one of his friends, he wasn't married then and I don't have a clue if he was seeing his now wife. I'm pretty sure his wife doesn't know. My H does, he did before he got with me but I do sometimes think that drama might be coming. This friend of his treats it like I do, ancient history.

They're not all sweetness and light though. I've made a hundred bad choices, but I'm sure they have too.

Like I said, it just be because I'm not so well and feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted to say "oh you're so perfect? Have you told him about the guy you kissed? And you're OK about him texting her? When he said he was working late no he was drunk asleep in my living room with H! That thing you let him do that he priomised not to tell anyone, yeah we all know and no we would never let our partners do that!!" But, no, I sat there quietly playing with mine and their children because I wasn't too scandalous to feed them and their children or to keep the kids entertained.

It would be brilliant to say all that!

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 6:16 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

Unagie posted 5/27/2013 06:18 AM

I actually did that AN. Sry for the t/j. But SO's cousin was getting riled up and calling SO a dumbass for staying with me. His best friend was agreeing at the time. I went a little off the hinges at the time because no one was making me feel more like shit then me but to dare to question the strength it took for him to try to work things out with me I went a little nuts. I knew their dirty little secrets and let them have it, telling them our relationship was none of their business and if they want to air dirty laundry remember ABCD that they did. Suddenly the maliciousness stopped. His BFF apparently also decided to fully support us and told him if he wants to be with me then we need to work this out between me and him.

People seem to forget that no one is perfect and everyone has done something minor or major someone else can judge them about. Glass houses and all that jazz.

authenticnow posted 5/27/2013 06:21 AM

Good for you, Unagie.

Sienna, IMO you should say it. If it continues, I would.

Glass houses...exactly what came to my mind when I was reading the posts.

Sienna500 posted 5/27/2013 06:41 AM

I would love to be brave enough to say that Unagie!

I thought my sister was going to yesterday, she said "what..." Then I cut her off with a bottle of lager to the mouth. There's enough drama around!

authenticnow posted 5/27/2013 06:43 AM

Enforcing boundaries for the way you allow people to treat you is not feeding the drama, IMO.

I'm going to stop hounding you now. I think you get the picture on how I feel about this .

Sienna500 posted 5/27/2013 07:06 AM

Thank you. I might get my sister to!

We had a wardrobe issue yesterday- we'd clearly both been to a sale and were wearing the same outfit. A GF of my H's friend said "I know she's your sister but you can't blame us for being concerned" I said "she's young free and single" the GF looked mortified. The sister I'm referring to happens to be by twin and was fuming with it, she's not pregnant!

Unagie posted 5/27/2013 07:26 AM

Oh hun I didn't say this to them just to clarify. I said it to SO because they were not speaking to me and he relayed the message. I did eventually speak to his BFF and instituted boundaries myself.

You can't keep quiet. They will keep pushing the boundaries. Do not let them. It is ridiculous that they think it is okay to go off at the mouth. With all due respect your actions were against your H not them. Being supportive does not include being rude.

Sienna500 posted 5/27/2013 07:40 AM

Oh sorry, I misunderstood.

My H has said but that's what makes it awkward. They say something and then backtrack or something comes up in conversation and they feel the need to stop it dead, sort of as per H's instructions.

I'd like to be at a stage where my actions aren't on their minds and realise I'm not a man hungry demon!

They're definitely not innocents and just because my shit is 'out there' it doesn't mean it should be focussed on by them. If you know what I mean?

I could never say anything to them, I literally couldn't do it. Even when they joke, like BIL does, I just keep quiet.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 7:43 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

GraceisGood posted 5/27/2013 10:12 AM

Just another perspective to this whole topic.

You are only 4 months out, probably feel like forever, but really not that long.

Not everyone on the "outside" know how to handle things like this, we are all learning not just the ones in M's affected by infidelity, but those who know people in M's affected by infidelity need a learning curve to imo.

Unfortunately you will have to deal with "those who have gone before you" and their aftermath. By that I mean all the WS who "R" and then do it again either fairly soon or years later. It happens, we read about it here, etc. People hold that in the back of their minds unfortunately.

I think what it really boils down to is the individual, we can only change ourselves, work on ourselves, etc, we cannot change others minds, perspectives, etc, no matter how hard we try how trustworthy we "prove" ourselves to be for how many years, etc.

Also, people put up their biggest defenses around things that scare them the most, and infidelity is such a painful thing there is much fear over it even from people who are not directly involved, it is just human nature and something to empathize over imo.

If others are being rude or destructive then I agree with getting them out of your life, but if they are just making you uncomfortable with their own "working out" of this all, perhaps consider it an opportunity for more growth and strength.


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