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Spursguy posted 5/26/2013 12:06 PM

Hi there,

I just found out 5 days ago my wife and partner of 8 years betrayed my trust and our vows to each other. She went on a trip with her soccer team for a four day tournament where she was out until 4-5 am each day. I didnt want her to go as i knew that the people she was going with were not good influences and people that i did not agree with choices that they made. Each day when she called me and told that she had been out all night with other mens teams I was not impressed and wasnt the nicest person. I did not yell at her or call her names i just let her know that i didnt like the position she was putting herself in. On the last night of her trip she had sex with one of the guys that she had been hanging out with all weekend. When she got home she expressed her disinterest in our relationship and said that she thought we would be happier with other people. She had put a password on her phone. I was so confused. Where did this all of a sudden come from? Before she left we were planning a vacation and things werent perfect but i never thought things were that bad. She couldnt give me any good reasons why things had gotten so bad that they couldnt be fixed. I wanted to work on things and i felt that she had just shut down on me. The following day while talking she got a text message and went to the bathroom to read it. She told me it was just a friend. She had to go out that night to help her friend make wedding invitations for a wedding that we are the best man and maid of honor in. As we were saying goodbye she got another text message and refused to let me see it. Now i knew something was going on. I cornered her at her car where she confessed to what had happened. I was so hurt. She wouldnt let me see the text but said she would have proof for me when she came that she was not going to be in contact with this person anymore. When she got home she showed me a text message just saying to lose her number. I was still really confused. She said she wanted to give me time to think if i could ever forgive her. I thought i wanted to but i told her i didnt know if i could. I wanted her to stay with me but i couldnt touch her. The following day I still wanted to try to work on things but was so confused by all my emotions. I have been dealing with depression for a few years now and this obviously didnt help. She told me it was a one time thing and that she was sorry and just wanted to feel free. She says that she feels guilty for hurting me more than she feels guilty for what she did. Is this a warning sign? She wants to work on things and has said that she will do anything to fix it. She says she is willing to work harder on this than shes worked on anything. She doesnt feel like my trust is gone in her because she feels i never trusted her. 4 years ago i caught her talking to another man online for a few weeks. She feels that i have never trusted her since then. Not true. It took time but i learned to trust her again. Not sure if i can get over this. Ive had 5 sleepless nights now and 5 depressed and confused days to think about it. Ive had sex with her twice since i found out. What am i thinking? I feel like i cant sort out my emotions. I love her but i am so hurt and betrayed. I want things to go back to normal but this is happening really fast. I believe that she wants to work on things. We have decided to go to marriage counceling as well as i am going to go to individual. I want her to go as well. Im sorry for my post being all over the place and not well structured. My brain isnt working well. Im so insecure in my self right now. Ive worked to hard on this relationship to just throw it away but i need to see her working too. Is it bad that I want to have sex already? Im so confused. I havent really released my anger. Im holding on to so much right now. I dont want my whole world to explode. How do i forgive her for what she has done? She says the sex was terrible as if that is some sort of conciliation. I just dont know how to feel. I cant sleep, ive got intestinal problems, i have no drive to do anything right now. But for some reason i want to be with her all the time. I havent really told anyone. Im embarassed. I feel i have been made a fool of. I dont know what to do. Please help! I feel so alone...

Emptyshelldad posted 5/26/2013 13:32 PM

Hey bro. I've felt just like your feeling now. You will get better, but I don't know about ever feeling the same. Her whole coming back and deciding things are too bad to work on is a common approach by ww (wayward wife) to sub consciously rationalize the horrible and inarguably morally reprehensible action of betraying your spouse for the most selfish of reasons. Their mind says "I did this horrible thing, so either selfish and a bad person, or our relationship is really in a bad place and thus that's why I did it. So begins the rationalizing of how bad you and your marriage really are and the level of depravity in which they betrayed it, and you, is lessened the worse they can make it seem to themselves. I've even seen lots of times where spouses pick fights and behave horribly to illicit a negative response from their spouse to further the fantasy that their marriage or partner is bad, so they were/are justified in doing what they did. A good rule in life is that people make decisions emotionally and then justify them rationally.
The pain your feeling now will ebb over time, but if your suffering from depression, I would see someone about it who can perhaps prescribe something to bring you back to a level playing field.
As for your wife, I'd bet what she showed you on the text was a pre arranged set up, hence the reason she wouldn't show you until she had time alone to tell om (other man) that she was going to have to send him some texts to make you think it was over. She wants to keep him on the line in case you say you can't work it out and want a divorce. This is a furtherance of her selfish behavior and a direct disrespect to you. I'd demand the cessation of all contact with other man, and I would install spyware software on her phone so that you can determine if she's still playing you. I know this may seem low, but remember, in life, to catch a snake, sometimes you have to slither. This will get better for you, but whether your marriage survives, depends a lot on her. But read the healing library, and keep hydrated, and well fed. And go for walks....the exercise helps a lot. You can private message me if you ever need to talk. Stay strong.

hatefulnow posted 5/27/2013 04:05 AM

No advice, but you've been heard. Hang tough brother!

Bigger posted 5/27/2013 04:55 AM

First of all: You are not alone. You have all us here on SI to help you.

Second: This IS a recoverable situation. With immense work and tough decisions you WILL survive.

However… look at the name of this site; it’s SURVIVING INFIDELITY. It’s not MARRIAGE SURRVIVES INFIDELITY. That’s one of the realities you have to face; you need to focus on YOU surviving infidelity. This is a lot like in airplanes when the oxygen mask falls down. You have to save yourself before you can help others.

Don’t despair! Statistically only about one in eight marriages dealing with infidelity ends because of the affair. However divorce should not be your biggest fear. Your biggest fear right now should be remaining in infidelity. This is a key issue. Possibly IMHO the most important one. What you are dealing with can only end in one of three ways. Of the three two are acceptable and one isn’t. This can end in divorce, in reconciliation or in a situation where the issues aren’t dealt with and you two learn to coexist with this immense white elephant sitting on your marriage.
The last option is IMHO the ONLY one you should actively refuse to accept. The other two – divorce or reconciliation – are both realistic, attainable and acceptable outcomes.

Unfortunately the third option – the one you should avoid like the plague – tends to be the most common outcome. The BS accepts that the WS is no longer having sex with the OP but the underlying issues aren’t dealt with. This is a guarantee on a repeat affair. [Just look at your own story; four years ago she had a semi-affair with another man, you accept that she stops doing it but neither of you work on the underlying issues. Therefore her boundaries fail again.]

On the plus side then the advice we dish out here tends to be pro marriage. It tends to be the advice that just might save your marriage.

Right now there are about a thousand important things you “need” to understand. Things you “need” to grasp to have a fighting chance. I won’t bombard you with them all but if you post more I’ll dish them out as appropriate.
What I will do is tell you to focus on yourself right now:
Eat. No appetite? Yet you still need to eat. Your body needs energy to deal with what’s going on. Don’t think “healthy”. Just energy. Get sport-shakes and protein drinks. Milk-shakes and quick easy to eat foods like bananas, nuts and hamburgers. Eat according to the clock – not according to appetite.
Move. You need to get physically tired. So move. Walk, run, jog, lift weights… An hours walk gives you time to think and wears you out.
Sleep. You need at least six hours of sleep. If you think you need it then get mild sleeping aids. Avoid caffeine, energy drinks and so on.

Finally: This situation won’t “cure” or disappear in the next 4 weeks. This is a marathon and you need to pace yourself. Accept what’s going on as reality and then deal with it in a realistic manner.

Twitchy posted 5/27/2013 07:36 AM

Bro hugs, man..((Spursguy))

The only thing I can add to Bigger's post is to get ready for a very bump, rocky, high altitude, low oxygen rollercoaster ride.

Open yourself up to fact that you're in a very vulnerable emotional state. Rarely do we think clearly in this state. Post often, ask a lot of questions, and allow us (Bigger is fantastic) to help you navigate through this.

Be prepared to learn some very painful truths. Your wife has been caught in the biggest, most devastating lie she has even told anyone. It's a given she's minimized and down played the information she's given you. It's a human reaction and it’s a pattern we've seen here at SI EVERY TIME a new poster joins.

You don't have to do anything right know. Just let the reality of the situation sink in for the time being.

Right now, your wife is not your friend. She's too interested in self-preservation to help you. She's busy protecting herself. She's human. It’s what people do.


[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:42 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

HereWeGo62 posted 5/27/2013 09:02 AM

Spursguy, I agree with Bigger, re-read his post!

On the last night of her trip she had sex with one of the guys that she had been hanging out with all weekend.

Is this guy married? If so let his BW know. Do not tell your wife, just tell his. She deserves to know what her POS H is up to.

But for some reason i want to be with her all the time. I havent really told anyone. Im embarassed. I feel i have been made a fool of. I dont know what to do.

Totally normal. I remeber rushing home to be with my WW. We sent lovey dovey texts all day and had some great HB time. I was reclaiming my wife. A few months later as I came to my senses and the anger set in this changes somewhat and we returned to a more normal relationship.

You may want to do a sanity check on the phone records over the last few months. Look specifically for a phone call to OM in between the time you confronted and the text later in the day. Any commo there is suspicious and points to what EmptyShellDad was implying.

Take care of yourself.

Spursguy posted 5/27/2013 09:52 AM

Thanks for the replys guys. Im still feeling very confused. I think im not being fair to myself by staying with her. Like im knowingly ingesting poison but maybe i wont get sick even though ive gotten sick before. Im working on eating but i have the desire to spit out everything i put in my mouth. Ive gone to my doc who has prescribed anti depressants and am going to counceling later today. My wife is coming with me but i want the counceler to decide whether he thinks at this time its more beneficial to just talk to me or to dive right into couples counceling. I feel by going behind my wifes back looking up things that i am breaking her trust? Im conflicted. Part of me wants revenge. Part of me wants to be married only once. I always told myself if she cheated on me i would walk. Now that its happened im not sure why i want to work on it so bad. Am i being untrue to myself? Why do i long for sex with her after shes done this to me? Is forgiving her something i should do sooner than later? Why do i want to be with her all the time right now? I feel like shes taking me back when really shouldnt it be me taking her back? i feel like i might be doing something wrong by being on this site. I think she would be hurt to see me reaching out for help to other people. Do i tell her about this or not?

[This message edited by Spursguy at 10:23 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

Sal1995 posted 5/27/2013 10:10 AM

First of all, great name Spursguy. One more win to get to the NBA finals!

Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. Once you feel ready to leave the Just Found Out forum, check out the thread for Betrayed Men in the I Can Relate Forum. You'll get some good advice from some men who've been through this and survived.

I havent really released my anger

You will, and when it happens the intensity of your anger might take you both by surprise. Whether you realize it now or not, you've been emotionally traumatized. You're grieving, and anger is a phase you'll have to go through to heal.

Take care, brother.

Twitchy posted 5/27/2013 10:32 AM

All your questions are absolutely normal. And in the turmoil that is your life right know, do not try to answer them all at once. Take it slow. This is a knot that will take a considerable amount of effort to untie.

The good news is you don't have to make any discions right no. In fact it's best that you don't.

You are not being untrue to yourself by staying. Making a rash descion to leave would be worse.

Tell us a little more about your situation. Age? Kids? Tell us about you. Whatever you think will help us understand your situation better.

Editted cuz i can't spell or type.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 10:34 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

Twitchy posted 5/27/2013 10:37 AM

Telling her about SI is your choise, but you are definitly not doing anything wrong. Having a safe place to talk was a Godsend for all of us.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 10:37 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

doctor49 posted 5/27/2013 15:45 PM

I feel by going behind my wifes back looking up things that i am breaking her trust?

Relationships are based on trust. You trusted your wife. She abused and broke that trust.

You're asking the question any future relationship has to be based on. Why should I trust her? You need to know the answer.

Spursguy posted 5/28/2013 08:02 AM

So after looking at my wifes phone last night i saw some facebook messages to the other mans friend. She was thanking him for staying out of the room. I had asked her all these stupid trivial questions about the night and felt she had answered them honestly. Apparently not. The messages were from before i found out about what had happened. After i found out about her affair she did delete him and his friends from her facebook. Without me ever knowing about them until last night. She was pissed that i had snooped on her phone. She feels like if we are going to work i need to believe that she wont let it happen again. She said that if i ever wanted to look at her messages i just had to ask. Is this fair? Still not eating or sleeping much. She says "dont sabatouge our relationship more than i already have". She says shes not a kid and deserves the same things i do. Im struggling with the fact that i am far more emotional about this whole thing than she is. Dont know if thats a bad sign. A little about me. 25 years old. Away from the house 12 hours a day for work. Heavily involved in soccer. Fairly active. No kids. Not sure if that helps.

Spursguy posted 5/28/2013 08:19 AM

Just wanted to add she says that she wants me to cheat on her. Like it will even the score or something. Suppose it wouldn't be so much cheating as a get out of jail free card i guess. She says she doesnt think she would be happier with another person but that i would be. That i deserve someone who would be as loyal to me as i to them. Man this whole thing is so messed up...

cliffside posted 5/28/2013 08:33 AM

Your wife is pissing me off! :)

Betrayed wife here. She is still in the fog. She isn't being remorseful. She needs to be completely transparent. You should have access to everything and she should have no problem with it. Ask her to read "Not Just Friends" and "After the Affair". My IC told me this is her test for wayward spouses. If they won't read a simple book to help repair the marriage, forget it, they're not going to change.
But you need to realize this: you were wronged. You are a victim and you need to set the rules for your reconciliation. You should not have one iota of concern over whether or not being on here will bother her. She didn't care about you when she was cheating, why should you be concerned about how your *healing* affects her? She did this. She put you into this situation so she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions.

Read through many of the posts here, it will help. You need to be willing to let go of your marriage to save it. So far you haven't mentioned kids - do you have any? She has cheated on you twice. Go see an attorney and learn about your options then tell her your terms for staying in the marriage and tell her you're leaving if she won't agree to them. Sorry to sound harsh, but she's copping an attitude with you when she is the one who cheated. That is not ok.
As for eating, try drinking ensure or smoothies. It's usually easier to get liquid down than food. Get as much rest as you can and hugs to you. This is not your fault, your wife is broken and she needs to go into IC to figure out why.

Spursguy posted 5/28/2013 09:19 AM

"If you had just said i love you on the phone"

That hurts

Twitchy posted 5/28/2013 12:32 PM

She says "dont sabatouge our relationship more than i already have". She says shes not a kid and deserves the same things i do.

That my friend is called "blame shifting" It's deflecting blame from theh proper target, Her, to something you've done so she can avoid the real issue.

The real issue is that she's placed in you in a possission where you cannot trust a word a word she says and have to very everrthing.

Yes she is an adult and deserve to be treated like one. Which includes suffering the consequences of her actions. In this case, that's providing you with everything you need to verify she is telling you the truth.

Asking to see her phone at randon times is one way. Giving unrestricted access and taking any passwords off is another. But if she's gone underground this will not help. She'll just keep her phone sanitized.

Look into a phone spy app. It may be the cheapest, easiest way to see if she's lying.

Read up on the 180. Stop playing her game. Get strong and independant.

As for the "get out of jail free" licence for a revenge affair... don't even consider it. It will only make things worse. You feel even worse with added guilt.

She wants to level the playing field by making you do something as bad as she's done. Very immature thinking.

Twitchy posted 5/28/2013 12:37 PM

She says she doesnt think she would be happier with another person but that i would be. That i deserve someone who would be as loyal to me as i to them.

I missed this.

Sorry man but this is a clear indication something is still very wrong here.

IMO she's consciously or subconsciously trying to warn you she isn't safe for you. Very disturbing.

Sal1995 posted 5/28/2013 13:42 PM

She says "dont sabatouge our relationship more than i already have".

Holy crap. Blameshifting and arrogance wrapped up in one neat package. As if your reaction to her destructive acts of betrayal could constitute an attempt to sabotage the marriage.

Just wanted to add she says that she wants me to cheat on her.

I assume this hasn't been an issue in your marriage before, and that you're not wired that way. Don't change for her. The marriage may continue or it may end, but nothing she has done gives you the right to sell out your values and to disregard the vows you spoke on your wedding day.

That i deserve someone who would be as loyal to me as i to them.

She's still in the fog and not ready to commit 100% to you. Your suspicions and desire to snoop are valid.

You must insist on NC and get her and yourself into counseling, fast.

Spursguy posted 5/28/2013 16:17 PM

I just want to confirm about the sabotaging our relationship comment. She told me that she had sabotaged our relationship and that I was sabotaging it further by snooping. Not sure if that changes anything. I'm pretty conflicted.

Twitchy posted 5/28/2013 17:21 PM

Nope. Doesn't change much. You're not sabotaging it further. She left it a pile of rubble already.

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