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Bella12 posted 5/26/2013 12:39 PM

I just found out 3 weeks ago that my boyfriend of 16 years was having an affair. I had been suspecting for a while that he was seeing someone else, but every time I asked him about it he would tell me that I was paranoid and I shouldn't be focusing on things outside of our relationship. The way I found out was through Facebook. He had posted a cake recipe on his page and I made the comment, "Do you want me to make that for you?". Then there was another reply from the other woman saying she could totally make that. He tried to delete the post before I could see, but he was too slow. I was at work, so I tested him asking him wtf that was all about. He tried lying saying that it was one of his friends messing with him but I knew better. I found the other woman on Facebook and sent her a message letting her know I was his girlfriend. We proceeded to message back and forth and he had basically been seeing this girl for two months. She told me that she was in love with him and that he told her he loved her also. I went straight home to confront my boyfriend and he admitted to the affair saying that he had believed I had moved on away from the relationship and didn't know that I still wanted to be with him. We has extremely bad communication issues in our relationship on my part so I do accept my responsibility. I asked him if he loved her and he said no, that it was all just a game to him and that he wanted to work on our relationship. He said he would no longer have any communication with her. I then found out a week later that he was still communicating with her and telling her all these lies about me saying that I was keeping our daughter from him. We live together. Why would I do that? Everything I saw that he was telling her was lies. He told her that he loved her and that I was trying to ruin his chance at happiness. I confronted him and he said that he was ashamed of his behavior and that he felt sorry for her. He put her feelings ahead of mine. Then about a week ago after snooping through his phone I saw a Facebook page of some other girl and she was relaying messages between the two. I confronted him about this and was told that this Facebook girl was a coworker and that she thought she was looking out for him and wanted to get them back together. He said that he hadn't talked to the other woman but the Facebook girl was impersonating him. Says that she had no idea that he wanted to work things out with me. He supposedly had a talk with this girl and she told the other woman the truth. I don't know what to believe. I haven't seen any evidence since that he is still communicating with her. She has been deleted as one of his friends on Facebook along with her friends and family members. He says that he isn't interested in seeing anyone else and that he wants to be with me but I am waiting for the next thing to happen. I feel like I am going crazy. I don't know if I can believe him because I haven't seen proof that he has cut off communication with the other woman. I just don't know what to do. I am sorry for the long rant. I think it actually helps to get it out. Thanks for listening.

mysticpenguin posted 5/26/2013 13:13 PM


Welcome. I am so sorry you find yourself here. :(

I think this line from your post says it all:

He put her feelings ahead of mine.

He has put her before you and lied to you time and time again. In your position, gently, I would believe they are still communicating. In your shoes, I would:

1. Start to pull a 180: To protect yourself, your child, your heart, empower yourself, and maybe, just maybe, wake him up. (You cannot "nice" him back into the relationship.)

2. Read through these posts:

3. Most importantly, take care of yourself: plenty of water, eat what you can (drink Ensure or Carnation Instant Breakfasts if you have no appetite) -- do something just for you every day, whether that's going to visit friends and family, volunteering, taking a class, getting a massage, etc.


sad12008 posted 5/27/2013 11:09 AM

Welcome, Bella12, and I'm sorry you need to be here but I'm glad you are here. You'll get a lot of support and knowledge from this site. (Don't necessarily judge it from the responses you get on a long holiday weekend, I'd imagine it'll be kind of slow.)

Gently, I think your BF is feeding you a bunch of bullsh*t.

he admitted to the affair saying that he had believed I had moved on away from the relationship and didn't know that I still wanted to be with him. We has extremely bad communication issues in our relationship on my part so I do accept my responsibility. I asked him if he loved her and he said no, that it was all just a game to him and that he wanted to work on our relationship.

This is a bunch of blameshifting and damage control. Of course I could be wrong. However, the more you're on here, the more you'll see there's almost a script circulating out there amongst those who cheat. I know when I first posted here, someone responded saying that there was likely more to the story, and honestly I was a bit defensive/offended, thinking "I know him, YOU don't!!!" However, if I could remember who that responder was, I'd thank her.

My initial post was about a myspace page with one friend, a female, who lived near where my FWH was doing a temporary work gig. Read my profile if you'd like to know how it evolved from there....or should I say, "mushroomed".

Read, read, read, read here on SI. Read in the Healing Library (look in the upper LH quadrant of your screen, it's a link in the yellow rectangle), read in this forum and the General forum. The links given by mysticpenguin are a great place to begin.

A warning, though: at this point I would be shocked if your BF doesn't go underground with his behavior. He now knows how you learned of your information, and he will therefore be likely to become stealthier. It doesn't mean he's stopped. Earnest apologies are not the same as change. You are NOT crazy; one thing you'll learn in a hurry is to trust your gut.

It may or may not be relevant, but I do find myself wondering why you've been together 16 years, have a child, and aren't married? Was that coming from you or from him or from both?

Hang in there, you're not alone with this now.

Bella12 posted 5/27/2013 13:10 PM

Thank you so much mysticpenguin and sad12008. I do agree that my first step is going to heal myself from all of this crap and I am concentrating on that for now. My feeling now is that if he is continuing, it will eventually come to light and I can't worry about that right now. I have noticed changes in him (for the better) since my last finding but I am not placing any hope in it. If he truly wants me, he is going to have to prove it and there is a long road ahead. As far as him saying he believed I had moved on, I do not believe it was bullish!t because our communication for the last year had dwindled to nothing. It was my fault for this. He repeatedly tried to talk to me and even warned me about being attracted to other women but I chose to ignore it. I feel like now I have had my blinders removed and wonder why I had been so stubborn. I had started going out with friends, completely changed my look, etc... Actually all the warning signs were there for him to think I was having an affair. I am in no way justifying his behavior and I am not totally sure if I want to work things out. I am just taking one day at a time. That is all I can do. I am trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative. Yes we have been together for 16 years and the reason we aren't married is because I was previously in a very abusive marriage which made me extremely leery. He has always wanted to get married but it has been me who has resisted the idea. I believe I self sabotage everything good in my life. I am really glad that I found this place. It is nice to know that I am not alone.

FromTheHeart posted 5/27/2013 13:16 PM

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this, Bella12. Hopefully you'll find this forum as helpful as I have already.

I read in your post saying you accept your responsibility, and while it's good for us to admit where we may not have been perfect in our relationships please don't for a second blame yourself for any of this. This was HIS decision and his decision only. Take care of yourself - we are all here to listen when you need someone.

isadora posted 5/27/2013 21:35 PM

You didn't cause this, you can't control this, you can't fix this..

I have seen a lot of BS (myself included) assume too much responsibility. Thinking if they can fix the problems in the relationship then they could have prevented the A.

You can't when dealing with a broken person. Healthy people make better choices when dealing with issues/problems in a M. Broken people cheat.

Bella12 posted 5/28/2013 17:45 PM

Thanks FromTheHeart and isadora. I do know that this isn't my fault. He is a grown man and makes his own decisions. I just think that I need to take my part of the blame as to why our relationship disintegrated. I was in the same boat as him but I didn't choose to go and screw someone else. I am just trying to make some sense of it all. Also, should I call him on suspicious behavior? If I think he is doing something right in front of me such as possible texting?

Getting to Happy posted 5/28/2013 17:58 PM

Also, should I call him on suspicious behavior? If I think he is doing something right in front of me such as possible texting?

YES! There is nothing worse than blatant disrespect. You need to push back from that type of behavior. Respect yourself by not letting anyone, including the one that is supposed to love and respect you, make a fool of you right in in your face!

I think the disdain WS's show to the BS is criminal!

Familiarity breeds contempt...INDEED!

isadora posted 5/28/2013 18:22 PM

You are not going to be able to make sense of it.

Recognizing and owning your part is good for you.

But he did not cheat because the relationship was bad.

I owned my own part in the M. Then I discovered his earlier online EA. I started to realize my reactions to FWH pulling away due to his cheating was unhealthy, but the dysfunction was largely in part to FWH EA, trolling for a PA and his EA/PA.

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