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Must Survive posted 5/26/2013 13:24 PM

I've been doing pretty good moving on. No longer taking any meds etc. I am standing (mentally) on my own two feet.
My DD (28) and I spent yesterday together. She tells 6 weeks ago STBXH called her husband several times. He didn't return calls. (they both will have nothing to do with STBXH) Her husband finally calls back to find out the STBXH wants a tool that they both bought and share. He was told he could come get it right now. So he did. DD and her husband gave it to him outside. Then they told him they were giving it back to him. They no longer wanted it. And they wanted nothing to do with him ever again. Then my daughter started telling STBXH her feelings about what he has done not only to me but our whole family. She needed to get things off her chest. Anyway he told her that I was mean to him and that we always argued. When she told me what he said it still hurts. A lot. More than a lot. What does "mean" mean? That I didn't agree with certain things? That I was encouraging him to start a business when he was out of work? That I didn't like the music in our boat loud, because other people were on the lake and may not want to hear it? And as for arguing, 6 weeks before I found out about the A, we were enjoying vacations, day trips etc. No arguing at all. We started to argue about the time he was thinking about the A. Something was off, I just did not know what. My mind tells me that he is using excuses. But my heart is broken that he thinks I am so terrible. And he probably tells everyone that listens how bad I am. I guess I thought after 18 months he would at least not blame me for this mess. And I thought I would be stronger by now and not be hurt by what he says/does.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/26/2013 13:50 PM

I am fully realizing now that STBX MUST demonize me in his head to justify the way he treated me. He HAS to do this to live with himself.. I imagine your STBX is doing the same..

None of those issues you mentioned justified him turning into a selfish, lying, cheating POS. He's being a coward and not owning up to his own issues and accepting that the cheating was entirely his fault.

I know it hurts to hear. I feel terribly when my STBX says this kind of crap to me and family and friends and even our kids. But I'm just letting it go. He can think whatever the hell he wants. It doesn't change the truth..

You are right, he is just making up excuses, blameshifting things onto you.. You can accept some of the marriage problems. I accept some of ours. But don't let him use any of that as an excuse for his behavior regarding the cheating.

I would try to completely forget what he said and focus on the relationships that do matter, like the one with your daughter. Sounds like she knows he's a lying POS, so I'm sure what he said hasn't affected her feelings towards you.. And screw him for bad-mouthing you like this to your daughter and trying to act like he was an angel.. FTG!!

Hugs..

Phoenix1 posted 5/26/2013 14:03 PM

Excuses, nothing more. I am finding that my POS is constantly trying to paint me as being the same as him such as constantly deceiving my spouse, spending money uncontrollably, etc. He NEEDS me to be just as bad a,s he is to justify his actions. It hurts, but it also makes me chuckle because it is simply not true and I can sleep with a clear conscience at night. When I ask him to provide evidence if his accusations, magically he can't and the subject gets dropped because, gasp, there is no such evidence! I was the practical adult in our relationship, and if he wants to vilify me for that, then so be it. Even my DD22 mentioned not long ago that she was amazed at how calm I always was with him and only spoke up when he said something really stupid or insulting. My kids and I know who the real asshole is, and that is good enough for me. Find comfort, peace, and STRENGTH in the truth...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 2:12 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

dmari posted 5/26/2013 14:45 PM

Please please don't waste another minute figuring out why he said what he said. Of course he has to mean things about you! He needs to vilify you so that he can justify his actions.

True friends and family will know the truth. Everyone else's opinion doesn't matter. Let him tell his little lies to whoever. You, on the other hand, know the truth and are moving forward with your head held high.

I understand the hurt. BTDT. Work through the pain and hurt. It will get better. Hugs and support, dmari

Chrysalis123 posted 5/26/2013 14:48 PM

But my heart is broken that he thinks I am so terrible

He is letting people see into his soul with this statement.

He is projecting.....he knows HE is the one that is terrible.

You know who you are and who you have been. Your actions speak volumes , and anyone who has watched you knows the real you.

He can spout all kinds of nonsense but it doesn't change your value as a human being

Vulcanized posted 5/26/2013 14:55 PM

((MS))

Ignore the vile things WH is spouting off. I know it's really, really hard, but it's even worse if you internalize it.

Waywards say all the evil shit they think about themselves, except projected onto you. Once I realized XH was using me as sort of a mirror, it made dealing w/his shenanigans a little easier.

You mustn't believe all the wacky shit XH is spewing at you. You know the truth about your M.

My XH ran an awesome smear campaign from DD on. It got incredibly vicious once he was trying to legitimize OW. And I cried a million tears, believing he thought so poorly of me. It took a while to get it; like the A itself, that was also 100% about XH.

Conduct yourself w/dignity and others see it. Anybody who believes the wayward can pound sand.