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Children on lock down

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scotslass posted 5/26/2013 13:41 PM

If it wasn't so heartbreaking it would be comical!

After court on Thursday I now have my 16 year old daughter back for the week. Due to her disrespect and cussing at me, I confiscated her cell phone for the week. Due to her stealing from me twice before she hightailed it to her dads 8 weeks ago - for that she is grounded until further notice.

As you can guess she is fuming mad, telling me how much she hates me, wants nothing to do with me and can't wait until she's 17 then she can make her own decisions. She needs to google that one!! I have and she cannot make those decisions until she's 18.

I am scheduling her first counseling sessions this week.

I guess after 8 weeks of total freedom at ex-spouses where she has been allowed to come and go when she wants, have her 18 year old boyfriend sleepover (!!!!!), daddy is supplying them all alcohol and letting them get wasted, skip school whenever she wants (truancy officer told me that the next time she is absent from school he is arresting her) being here at my home and having restrictions, chores are hard for her.

What a number my ex has done on them. Trying to keep my sanity and its really hard. Sorry just needed to vent.

Coraline posted 5/26/2013 13:43 PM

I am so sorry.

h0peless posted 5/26/2013 14:47 PM

I guess after 8 weeks of total freedom at ex-spouses where she has been allowed to come and go when she wants, have her 18 year old boyfriend sleepover (!!!!!), daddy is supplying them all alcohol and letting them get wasted, skip school whenever she wants

Call CPS.

bwok3 posted 5/26/2013 14:47 PM

I am also sorry and I know it doesnt help rite now, but she will get it in time. My DD21 has finally just got it. "mom. Dad is the only important person in Dad's Life" Broke my heart and made me smile at the same time.

dmari posted 5/26/2013 14:49 PM

hugs and wishing I could send strength in a bottle to get through this. Your ex is a complete asshole.

scotslass posted 5/26/2013 14:51 PM

Unfortunately in Texas it is not against the law for a parent to give alcohol to their children. I have already checked with the police.

PurpleRose posted 5/26/2013 18:58 PM

It is also not against the law to spank the children in Texas. :(

I'm sorry your are havig a rough time with her. I'll just say I've been there with my oldest and its NOT fun. They do come Around though!

Nature_Girl posted 5/26/2013 19:51 PM

I admire you for taking this incredibly difficult stand. I'm sure this is harder than I can even imagine, but it's the right thing to do. No matter how things turn out, you made a stand for the right thing and for the right reasons. ((((HUGS)))

nowiknow23 posted 5/26/2013 20:02 PM

You're fighting the hard fight, scotslass, but it is WORTH IT.

Sending you strength ((((scotslass))))

scotslass posted 5/26/2013 20:25 PM

Thanks so much everyone for all the support. It has been a thought weekend. I also had my 14 year old son too and between them both it has been horrendous I took him to his dads at 6.00pm as per the orders.

I can't wait until they both get counseling started this week.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/26/2013 20:32 PM

Sending you hugs and prayers..

homewrecked2011 posted 5/26/2013 23:14 PM

Counseling is really helping the relationship with my children and I.

Good luck to you.
They don't like to go, but once we are there we usually get some issue resolved.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/26/2013 23:15 PM

I also told the counselor i wanted them to be able to communicate with her w/o me knowing what they talked about. Sometimes I think children need a "safe" place to share.

la433 posted 5/28/2013 13:13 PM

This is good to see scotslass. I knew you were strong. Don't give up.

Ashland13 posted 5/28/2013 15:03 PM

I'm sorry for this frustrating and hard time.

I have it going on with DD who is younger, but at times shows total disrespect for me.

She has inherited her father's "humor" and already knows what will push my buttons-so now she just does it, many times, esp. in front of company.

She's also working to get out of rules and often I find undone homework, attempts to hide bad grades and not telling me of assignments-big ones.

Her father's humor is drastically different than mine and I am sad for DD to get in trouble with other people by pushing their boundaries instead of listening to me.

Again I'm sorry and have unfortunately heard of this happening in other separated and divorced families.

FWIW, several times I have heard of this happening and what's happened each time is when the kid gets sick or in some good (big) amount of trouble, they have been packed up and returned home or choose to.

SBB posted 5/29/2013 06:24 AM

When she is grown she will see how fucked up this is.

Right now you are dealing with an incomplete and immature brain - she cannot comprehend the consequences of anyones actions.

Stay strong, calm and loving and supportive but hold your ground. She will be embarrassed about her behaviour when she is a grown up. She will also see how devastatingly incompetent her fathers parenting is.

Just be careful to not get into a power play with her. These are consequences of her choosing - not punishment.

There's a great book called "How to raise an adult by being one yourself" that goes into a lot of this and helps you develop tools to deal with exactly this kind of behaviour.

I don't envy your position here - there is Disney Dad bullshit on steroids. He is teaching her terrible things by his 'parenting' (or rather, lack thereof) and by the behaviour he is modelling.

Is she in IC? Are you? Do you have some professional support in dealing with this.

Another book I am looking out for that has been mentioned here a lot is "Divorce Poison".

I wish I could give you a big mamma hug.

I was stuck in a power play with my mum as a teen and it was hideous for both of us. Neither of us dealt with it very well but IMO it was her job to be the adult. Not mine. Nevertheless I did apologise to her for my own behaviour once I got to around 25. Their brains don't mature properly until then.

((scotslass))

scotslass posted 5/29/2013 09:02 AM

Thanks to everyone for their support and hugs, it means a lot to me.

Last night I felt like my DD16 and I had a little breakthrough. At dinner we started discussing her consequences for her behavior and how long they would be in effect. She understands that I am firm on this and that she has to earn them back. ie. cell phone, grounding.

I have to say it went surprisingly well. She was honest with me and she did admit that her Dad is a f**k up! - I did reprimand her for that language and told her that he does make mistakes but that he is still her Dad and she can't use that kind of language in my home.

A couple of hours later she comes out of her room and asked me if I wanted to watch Les Miserables the movie with her? Inside I was overjoyed and we sat and shared treats and watched a great movie. It's one of the things that I have tried pass onto my children is live theatre, especially musicals and I know she loves that.

All in all it was a great night. Even this morning when she went off to school (walking too I may add - this is another of her consequences for cussing at me) she gave me a hug, told me she loved me and that she would see me at 4.30pm when I pick her up from school.

It's these little crumbs right now that keep me going.

NoraLee posted 5/29/2013 21:02 PM

Children (even teens) thrive on structure. Knowing you mean what you say, follow through with consequences and have consistent expectations for behaviour is giving her a sense of safety, security and predictability. It's an amazing gift you are giving your daughter - especially under difficult circumstances. I admire your strength and conviction!

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