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I keep saying, "I"

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hobbeskat posted 5/26/2013 13:48 PM

Instead of saying we like I used to, I say I. I do it without thinking but realised today.

My WH is being great but I wonder if, deep down, I have emotionally checked out of this marriage :(

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/26/2013 13:50 PM

that might be a really good thing!!!!!!

hobbeskat posted 5/26/2013 15:03 PM

But I love him, he is remorseful and loves and wants me. I have felt very detached and guarded and I know its partly to protect myself. But it has to stop sometime if I want our marriage to work. I had to finally change my name to my married one for work purposes and I felt very panicky about it. I barely look at my wedding photos (my friend took them all off the wall after D day, the OW was in lots of them) and feel nothing when I do. Its like looking at another person. I don't recognise that happy, hopeful couple anymore. And it was only 8 months ago.

What a waste.

Althea posted 5/26/2013 15:04 PM

Detaching and concentrating on healing yourself is a very good thing in the beginning. It is the spending all of our energy working on fixing the marriage at all costs right away that gets a lot of us in trouble.

If your WH is R material and if the A was not a deal breaker for you, you will find that love again.

For now, focusing on yourself is much more important IMO.

hobbeskat posted 5/26/2013 15:11 PM

Thank you. I'm glad to know its okay to feel like this. I just hope its not forever. I do love him but I feel like I hold him at arms length sometimes. I sometimes don't reciprocate his lovingness but he knows its because I don't entirely believe him yet. He said he is terrified of the thought of losing me and wants to grow old with me. Honestly, I'm not terrified of losing him. I cringe at my pleading, trying to make him love me behaviour after d day and during the A when he was being a cold, cruel bastard. Never again. I've done well since, even managed to get a great new job. I was a temp and they liked so much they made it permanent. I could have spent 3 months in bed and I didn't. I love him, and would be devastated if our marriage ended, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I'd be fine.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 3:14 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

Althea posted 5/26/2013 18:12 PM

Good girl. Keep it up. I firmly believe this is the only way to be sure things will be okay going forward. We are almost a year out and I still have moments where I have a hard time reciprocating his love and affection. I struggled for many months with being very angry at myself for being such a doormat. It will get better. I promise. Whether you stay together or not, it will get better.

ophelia24 posted 5/26/2013 18:25 PM

FWW here, hope you don't mind me commenting but your post struck me.

Of course you need to protect your heart, it is precious!

You actually sound like you are in a healthy place if you don't feel frightened and desperate to stay married. You are right, you would be Ok. Which means you can be true to yourself and your feelings and your WH has to suck up his own anxiety and keep working on himself and becoming the man he wants to be, for himself. There is a big difference between WW's just being 'good' for a bit and whining when their/our good efforts aren't being applauded and the pats on the back aren't forthcoming, to the WW who is continually working at their Why's and why they/we use terrible/destructive coping skills instead of healthy ones. That is an on going path of learning and growth.

So yup. Right now this is how you feel, but also know, that with time and true remorseful consistent actions from your WH that this too can change for you. As well as your own growth and change through this.

And if doesn't, then perhaps different decisions need to be made.

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