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Newest Member: EllaE21 (60723)

User Topic: For those of you with difficult X-spouses and dating
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you share the fact that your X is (in my case) and NPD-FT?

I know not like that!

Up to this point I only have 1 person I have ever told the whole sordid tale to. Most people I just tell I have been divorced for 5 years because I did not like his girlfriend.

In the event I start dating, how is this done? Eventually, if the new friend becomes a SO, they will see what goes on.

What do you say to people if they want to know more?

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Posts: 4525 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex isn't npd and wasn't that bad in comparison to many here, but even my relatively tame story comes out, I find, in waves with people. Initially it's just, "oh he cheated and I have more self respect than that" but over time the story will slowly unfold as bits of it become relevant to conversation or potential triggers in the new relationship that I want to head off.

The very first few guys who I went on dates with post D (not even long enough to say "we dated") got the whole cathartic verbal vomit and the drama, and I quickly realized that 1) they didn't need that, 2) it changed how they viewed me negatively, ie only the ambulance chasers stayed, and 3) it really wasn't relevant, especially at that early stage.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 5:43 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14444 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JMO, but when you get to the point of calling someone your Significant Other, I would hope that you're so in love and so in tune that explaining the dysfunctional lesser muppet to whom you were once M would come very naturally and without added drama.

This is all theoretical, so take it for what it's worth.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25300 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dealing with NPD and having another relationship is very tough for me. I am one of those people that have a very hard time keeping my life in compartments. I think this helped and hindered my relationship with XSO.

Helped because he was looking to be KISA and I was so broken down from dealing with crisis after crisis with X that I needed someone to emotionally support me. He was able to cut the NPD drama for me down to what needed to be dealt with. I needed that. I often took his advice on things relating to NPD and kids. We made a good team.

The hindrance : we made a good team. When the drama started to wain as the kids got older and of age, and NPD and I had less and less contact. XSO felt less and less like he mattered in my life. As I grew in strength I needed him less, and he needed to be needed more.

If your dealing with NPD, and have underage kids, the drama continues (usually). The new partner sees/hears it, may even see/hear how you deal with it. I see NPD drama as being no different than having a fight with your best friend and venting to the NP. Just don't make it the basis for the relationship or let the NPD drama into your new relationship. Venting is ok, letting NP support you in what you need to do is OK. But the focus needs to be on you and New partner...I still wonder if all the drama with NPDX in the early years was the glue that held XSO and I together?

So learn from my mistake.

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 4

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