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When your torturer is also your comforter

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TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/26/2013 15:14 PM

Anyone else feeling in a similar way or have any thoughts? My WS obviously has caused me tremendous agony, but when I sink into his arms now it's one of the most comforting places I can be. I really think I have to leave, but my heart doesn't want to. My head is saying leave, leave, leave and and find comfort elsewhere and not in the arms of the man who slowly shredded me to pieces with a vegetable peeler.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 6:50 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

NoraLee posted 5/26/2013 15:59 PM

It's one of the more twisted aspects of infidelity - and try explaining it to someone who hasn't been through it...

I'm the same - I feel practically healthy (mentally) when in his presence - but sink into depression when we're in separate rooms. When with him - there are no mind movies - no mental craziness - no revenge fantasies...just safety - FROM THE PERPETRATOR OF MY AGONY!!!

There's got to be a psychological basis for this...but its common so we're not alone! This is from the SI article "What Every WS Needs To Know - Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse"

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

Pass posted 5/26/2013 16:01 PM

I felt exactly the same way on my DDay. I had mostly abandoned my friends to spend all my time with my wife. When I discovered her cheating, I had no one else to talk to, no one else to hold me.

I felt weak and cowardly for crying in her arms, but it sure helped!

1devastedmom posted 5/26/2013 17:53 PM

It's so true. I'm so glad that I'm not alone, I thought something was wrong with me.

jackie89 posted 5/26/2013 18:25 PM

OH sooo true! I felt like that for so long. All I wanted was to be in his arms again.

and try explaining it to someone who hasn't been through it

and this^^^^^^, only people that have been through this, would get that.

So glad, I am not the only one.

savvy posted 5/26/2013 20:03 PM

Feel the same way. We are separated right now, I don't know what's going to happen. But when I see him I just want him to hold me.

This whole thing sucks!!!!

Tiredofthepain posted 5/27/2013 06:13 AM

This is a struggle for me constantly. It makes sense because for the entire time of our marriages, they were our safe place, our strong arms to hold us during tough time, our KISA, this is one reason it's so painful because all of a sudden we realize they aren't any of those things yet we long for what is familiar.

I am having more trouble now letting him love me like he wants to than I was in the beginning. He always tells me how it means the world to him for me to come to him to comfort me, but it's hard for to do it because of all of the anger, pain and resentment I still have.
and yes, it is very confusing.

Jada52 posted 5/27/2013 07:37 AM

Yes, it is the same here. He is a comfort to me most of the time. It is so hard to break out of the comfort zone, especially since we share the same house. I ignored him yesterday basically, then he offered to fix breakfast and dinner. I was hungry and knew I was not fixing anything so I graciously accepted his offer. Then get angry with myself for doing so.

Tripletrouble posted 5/28/2013 15:34 PM

Wow yes so glad so many others experience this! Sometimes I hate myself as much as him for being so weak as to turn to him for comfort!

Abbondad posted 5/30/2013 09:10 AM

Yes, I just posted in my thread a comment on this very aspect. It is incredibly painful. I want to hold her and tell her all about this other person who has caused such devastation to my soul and to our family.

Very disorienting and disturbing.

DefiledRage posted 5/30/2013 19:46 PM

Very normal thing to happen I think. True for me anyway.

When I look at the past 13 years my marriage was my safe haven from the outside world. Things might have not been perfect, but I could always find refuge there. Just because our WS's decided that it was not longer that way for them doesn't change our feelings. When hurt we will always run to what has been safe and comfortable for us. Its the need to hold onto any form of structure we can. Add in the fact that initially there is that thing we call denial, and we WANT our marriage and partner to still be our safe place.

My feelings changed as reality sets in. Only 3 months in and already starting to feel that insatiable need to be around her fading. Most times I still enjoy being around her, but that uncontrollable need for her to be physically presenting is waning.

Plus its comforting because I know when she's with me there is zero chance she's out with him.

******EDIT******
TiredofthePain, wow, think I just unintentionally reiterated your entire post. You are right on!

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 7:50 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

mchercheur posted 5/30/2013 20:18 PM

It makes sense because for the entire time of our marriages, they were our safe place, our strong arms to hold us during tough time

Same here

honesttoafault posted 5/31/2013 01:23 AM

When hurt we will always run to what has been safe and comfortable for us. Its the need to hold onto any form of structure we can. Add in the fact that initially there is that thing we call denial, and we WANT our marriage and partner to still be our safe place.

^^^^THIS!!

Thank you for putting into words my feelings!!

It has also made me realize because of my FOO issues with abandonment and lack of security with parents, having what I thought of security with WH taken away or actually thrown away is what really has devastated me.

I guess we all want unconditional love and not hearing ridiculous excuses "you were suspicious"

dbellanon posted 5/31/2013 09:30 AM

Early on, I went to my wife for comfort and sympathy for the horrible pain that I was going through, pain that she had caused. I received none, which should not have surprised me, but it was a reflex reaction. When you're hurting you want to go to the person who had been your closest confidant, the person you've been used to leaning on for your whole marriage... Your situation is complicated because it sounds like your WS actually gave you some measure of comfort or affection. Mine did not, and it has been a process of slowly realizing that the person that I was trying to reach, the one I had leaned on for so long, was no longer there, or at least was buried so deep that I couldn't reach her.

If your WS is able to give you empathy, then that's a good sign, I would think. But it might not be a good idea to accept it so readily. I'm still new to this, but showing vulnerability never did me any good. In order to be genuinely vulnerable, you need to trust him, and to do that, he needs to earn your trust.

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 5/31/2013 09:33 AM

Wow, yall too???

dontstop posted 5/31/2013 22:54 PM

I'm there! I am at ease when he holds me. So for a moment, I can pretend that it is like it was before and I am loved. Then I wake up the next day and wonder what my life has in store for me. My head tells me to leave too and my heart doesn't want that at all. So yes, only those of us here in this forum get it!

betrayed5years posted 5/31/2013 23:19 PM

Guess I am a rarity on this one. I do not want him to touch me and he wants to....When I hurt, I need escape from him and that hurts him as we had always been "best buds". I have lost my best friend......and don't know if he will ever regain that trust from me.

MilWife2Kids posted 5/31/2013 23:35 PM

My H used to ask if I wanted him to leave so I could calm down. I would frantically beg him not to go, that I felt better when he was there. It didn't make sense to him, but after a few fights being initiated while we were apart, and absolutely none while we were together he realized thats really what i needed

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