Will this help? It's from WS FAQ in the healing library.
Q: What Is Compartmentalization? Submitted by Fallen
A: We often use the word compartmentalization to describe how WSes are able to keep their married and secret lives separated. For many WSes, compartmentalization was a coping mechanism developed during childhood to get through difficult times, whether those difficulties were physical, mental or emotional.
A person who compartmentalizes has the ability to completely shut off one part of themselves into a "compartment." Many people describe this as putting difficult emotions or memories into "boxes" in their minds. Once the thought or feeling is boxed up, there is no need to revisit it. *Poof* and it's gone. Of course, this is not what happens, but compartmentalization also allows one to live in denial. If it's locked away in your mental closet, it doesn't exist. From the time I was a child, I compartmentalized any emotion that I could not deal with. I was not permitted to express anger or disappointment, so without a place to vent those feelings, I boxed them up in a virtual closet in my mind. Years of anger and resentment were 'stored' that way.
My BH and rarely had arguments because I didn't feel entitled to my anger or disappointment. I'd just shut it out. This was so normal for me that I wasn't even aware that I was doing it and when I started to feel things deteriorating between my H and myself, I couldn't deal with that. I didn't know how. I had no coping mechanisms at all. This compartmentalization keeps us in an emotionally immature place, because we're basically behaving like spoiled brats. Picture a 6 year old covering their ears and saying "La la la la la! I'm not listening!" If you do this long enough, it becomes an automatic reaction and you probably aren't even aware that you're doing it, or worse, you think it's a good thing that you CAN do it.
It's actually kind of scary that WSes can so effectively lock away those feelings. The ability to do this leads to some really hurtful behaviors- lying being the most hurtful, and cheating because it's linked to lying. This ability allows us to lie to everyone- ourselves, the OP, our BS, our families, coworkers and friends- all because we can lock away those critical or negative voices in the mental closet. Feeling a little bit guilty that you called the OP? Well? just lock it away in the closet. Lied about where you were? Well lock it up in a box in the closet and throw away that key!
There is a price to be paid, though, for doing this. Most times, D-day blows the door off that mental "closet". All the ugly things that have been locked away through the years must be dealt with. Now, not only does the WS have to deal with all the crap in those boxes, the crap is overflowing like a clogged sewer and it has polluted the BS too. We have to face the truth about ourselves and our fears. It makes recovery a bit more difficult too, because not only do we have to deal with the aftermath of the affair, we must also sort through the stuff in those boxes and love ourselves through that process.
The more you practice talking out your feelings when you feel them, or at least talking about them at an appropriate time soon after you feel them, the easier it will become to face painful emotions. One day, after some effort, you may realize that you don't really need to compartmentalize anymore, and that you enjoy being honest and transparent.
