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Newest Member: ChumpInMP (46060)

User Topic: R is not for the faint of heart.
SAR681
♀ 36285
Member # 36285
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I originally thought that I was weak for attempting R. That I needed to stay with FWH no matter what he did for me. That I was too weak to leave him.

But, now that we're in the thick of it, I can see how much easier it would be to cut my losses and move on. To start fresh. At the recommendation of my therapist, I am focusing on healing myself. Although, FWH is doing great at being transparent and helping me in the present. But, he is dragging his feet on doing any work re: the past. He doesn't think he needs counseling, to read any books, etc - because "no one knows him better than he knows himself." My therapist said that I need to focus on growing myself and hope that FWH gets his head out of his ass and grows right along with me.

I'm terrified. My therapist and I discussed that I can't threaten to leave unless I really mean it. The pattern will only continue. I'll leave him, he'll finally realize that I'm serious, do anything I want him to until I've settled down - wash, rinse and repeat. I want to be sure that I give him ample opportunity to do what I need, but I also don't want to hang on to a relationship if it's not going to be healthy. Especially because I have a history of doing just that.

I'll know that his A is just something I can't overcome, right?


BW – Me, 32 FWH - Him, 33
Married 9 years, together for 14
3 Kids: 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months
MOW - my "friend"
DD#1 – July 2012, admitted to an EA
DD#2 – 1/14/13, finally admitted to PA

http://endureevolve.blogspot.com/


Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Somewhere in Middle America
Wonderingwhy11
♀ 34782
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Working on R is very hard. I have told my WH it is easier to walk away. I can understand why the statistics of leaving are much higher than the discussion to stay. My hope is 10 years from now we both will not regret trying to R. I agree with your IC focus on yourself. My WH and I have been going to MC for almost a year. We went to MC 10 years ago but WH bailed when it came to discussing him and how his behavior of wanted do as he pleases (I should have realized what this thinking would led to but I was very naïve) affected our marriage. This time he is committed to going to MC but I think the progress is slow. I guess it takes them time to realize and try to change themselves. For the first time in years WH is more involved with our children’s activities and is taking to kids with him more. We do more as a couple. He is not hanging out with his friend who encouraged the A. It is just hurts it took me throwing him out because if his behavior and denial of an A and me finally finding out the truth for him to realize what he was losing.

I completely understand your fears of hanging out to an unhealthy relationship and wondering can your marriage overcome an A. I struggle with this even though I can see he has changed. I still wait for him to go back to his old behavior. I tell myself I survived the A and our 3 month separation and I will survive if the marriage doesn’t work. I think having the inner strength to say I will go on with or without you and I will not stay in an unhealthy relationship no matter what goes a long way to overcome the A. I told my WH you cheat again there is not a second chance and he knows I mean it because I have told him to leave when I felt he was pushing the boundaries we agreed upon. It is important boundaries are agreed upon mutually. It does no good to establish boundaries WS has no intention honoring – even if they say they agree to them.

I feel I still have a long way to go to heal and overcome the A. Sometimes I think I might never overcome the A. I guess this when the advice it takes 2 – 5 year to heal is true. It is starting to get better but has been a very bumpy ride and a rollercoaster I rather not be on.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healing yourself is the key. Part of healing is identifying/building strong limits/boundaries. IMO, your therapist nailed it:

(you) need to focus on growing (your)self and hope that FWH gets his head out of his ass and grows right along with (you).

If he doesn't, you'll know, and you'll know what you want to do about it, too.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:36 PM, May 27th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10775 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Dark Inertia
30727
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see how much easier it would be to cut my losses and move on.

This reminds me of a quote,

There but for the Grace of God, go I.


With all due respect, divorce is no walk in the park, both mentally, physically, financially, or emotionally. Personally, for me, I tried to reconcile, and inevitably went through a divorce. The divorce all but killed me in so many ways.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 12:45 PM, May 27th (Monday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1372 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
SAR681
♀ 36285
Member # 36285
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dark Inertia, also with all do respect, you forgot the next line to that quote. "To start fresh"

I'm not saying that divorce is easy either. However, I wasn't talking about the actual process. I'm talking about the aftermath. If we are able to reconcile, foresee a lifetime of hard work ahead of us to maintain a relationship that was at one time so badly damaged. And perhaps I am wrong, but I think that it would be easier (respectively) to maintain an already healthy relationship than to repair a broken one.

BUT, that's not even the point of my post. My point was that when I set out, I thought that my attempting to reconcile was the cowards way out, but I see now that it is not.


BW – Me, 32 FWH - Him, 33
Married 9 years, together for 14
3 Kids: 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months
MOW - my "friend"
DD#1 – July 2012, admitted to an EA
DD#2 – 1/14/13, finally admitted to PA

http://endureevolve.blogspot.com/


Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Somewhere in Middle America
La Traviata
♀ 14941
Member # 14941
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"But, he is dragging his feet on doing any work re: the past. He doesn't think he needs counseling, to read any books, etc - because "no one knows him better than he knows himself." My therapist said that I need to focus on growing myself and hope that FWH gets his head out of his ass and grows right along with me."


Your therapist is absolutely right that you need to focus on yourself. But your partner refusing to read books or go to therapy should be a huge red flag with sparklers and neon lights. "hoping for him to pull his head out of his ass" is not something to pin a future on.


me: BW 31
him: WH, 29
DDay: 4/16/12
RelapseDay:4/15/13

A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: NOVA
Topic Posts: 6

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