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I can understand what he is living with. He wanted a faithful loving wife. I was too immature when we got together, I did not want to get pregnant. After I had the baby my friends had all moved away and I was lonely. Then he was asking me about my premarital sex life again whilst refusing to tell me his. I felt insecure now having a child, throw in a bit of post partum depression (not recognized at all in those days) and he was so busy that he told me to get a part time job to get some attention. He did this with the best of intentions but I reacted badly. I was not adult enough to sort things out properly. I lied and rugswept, which then lead to a lifetime of trickle truth.
He insinuated that he had slept with others before me. Well, he hadn’t ,and neither had I, so the ridiculous thing was that when we did, we neither of us thought we were the first. He still doe not want to believe that he was my first for some reason. He goes over it in his mind, keeps asking questions and as you can see we have been at it a long time with no resolution.
He does not want me to stay married to him. He wants to clear the air. When he is angry he wants to out me because “he cannot live a lie”. But then he sees that it would now be so hard to break up. We are just over a year away from a really big anniversary, that people would expect us to celebrate. He doesn’t want to celebrate obviously. I fully understand that. But the hard thing for me is that he really doesn’t love me at all. He doesn’t even like me. He thinks I am evil and was an evil person. He hates the person I was and he says he does not know who I am now, because I have not metamorphosed into what he thinks I should be. Often I feel the only way out would be for me to die in an accident or of a swift disease, then he could be the grieving widower and the mess in his life would be gone.
Our son picked up on the disrespectful way my BH treats me and speaks to me in general. Most people do not see this, as in public he is pretty charming. It is now getting harder for him to keep up the charade as he is still angry. His forgetfulness has increased, and he is getting confused because he cannot sort out his life. If he cant live with this then he must do something about it. He is obsessing over details which we have gone over and over before. It almost feels as if he needs to keep reminding himself.
I have offered to divorce and put it down to practical reasons but he thinks that a) it will not wash, and b) it would be a lie, and he would rather out me if we have to divorce. I wish he could let it go for his own sake. He is now suggesting that it gives me pleasure to destroy him. I wish he would talk to someone. I think he needs to let it out to an impartial person, preferably some one who is wise and compassionate.

Instead of staying in a situation that hasn't improved, and has slowly been deteriorating for a very long time, you can change things for you. You've been a willing victim for many years. If you really want to change things, then leave and let him out your A. It's likely that it won't make things better for him. Nothing will at this point.

Cissie,

You have a choice in this. You have power to change things. You do not have to stay in this situation.

Often I feel the only way out would be for me to die in an accident or of a swift disease, then he could be the grieving widower and the mess in his life would be gone.

That's not the only way out, sweetie. You can get away from him and start a life without him. You can be happy!

AN

What REALLY bothers me in your post is this:

Our son picked up on the disrespectful way my BH treats me and speaks to me in general.

From the way you describe things, it seems this will only get worse.

You can make choices, as hard as that seems. Talk to a L - maybe it will help him to see that you will no longer be a victim to him.

One of my big problems is that I am stubborn. I hate to give up.
I am also worried that this is an age thing, as we are probably the oldest couple on the board. I have seen older friends, whose minds seem to get stuck in a groove, and I am afraid this has happened with us. My BH cannot see around it and I cannot see the way ahead,
I also worry,about the effect of the drugs they gave him after his operation. They are not supposed to be given to older people, because of the severe adverse reactions that can occur, both physically and mentally. He had some of both, and has recovered from the physical, but he gets confused at times and is more forgetful than he used to be. This was also noticed by our son.

Are you talking about some kind of Alzheimer's or dementia beginning to happen because of prescribed drugs? That seems very serious, and maybe something to be talking to the doctors about...or maybe a lawyer.

There are a quite a few "older" members here in their 60's. Some are in R, some are in NB. Infidelity does not discriminate based on age. But your story is regarding past infidelities, apparently some time ago if I understand your situation correctly.

I presume you've done a timeline. It is a lot of effort, especially after so long, but if you're stubborn, then maybe you have what it takes to put one together, and maybe your BH would have some clarity on dates which you could then use to firm up your own blurry memories. But if your BH's memory is starting to go, it might be too late.

Being stuck in a groove is one thing. Not being able to, or wanting to, heal is another. If you put the infidelity aside for a minute, how did your BH treat you? and why did he treat you the way you describe in your posts? It sounds like he's been living with some issues for a very long time and that they were there long before your A. Is that your fault? If you hadn't cheated, and his behaviors remained the same throughout your long marriage, would you have still stuck around? If so, then why? Is it a matter that you're stuck in your own groove?

My BH has a lot of FOO issues, and the things that I did could have been designed specifically to trigger those. I think has has a bit of a maddonna whore complex.

This makes me wonder if this whole trauma has unhinged him. I think he may be depressed. He still works hard and he is very dependent on his brain power to do what he does. I think he is afraid that he is losing it and that comes out in anger at me, particularly when he gets confused. I do so wish he could find some peace.
We had a discussion the other night. I told him that I accept that it is unlikely that our relationship will be much more than it is now. I told him that I am not expecting more from him and I will be happy.
Unfortunately he has a problem in that he does not want to be a lonely old man. He is sad that he does not have a happy marriage and a soulmate. I happen to think that soulmates are very rare birds.
I am doing the best I can. If he cannot bring himself to accept my love and my concern for him, it makes me sad, but I cannot change that.