You have a choice in this. You have power to change things. You do not have to stay in this situation.
Often I feel the only way out would be for me to die in an accident or of a swift disease, then he could be the grieving widower and the mess in his life would be gone.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Our son picked up on the disrespectful way my BH treats me and speaks to me in general.
From the way you describe things, it seems this will only get worse.
You can make choices, as hard as that seems. Talk to a L - maybe it will help him to see that you will no longer be a victim to him.
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
There are a quite a few "older" members here in their 60's. Some are in R, some are in NB. Infidelity does not discriminate based on age. But your story is regarding past infidelities, apparently some time ago if I understand your situation correctly.
I presume you've done a timeline. It is a lot of effort, especially after so long, but if you're stubborn, then maybe you have what it takes to put one together, and maybe your BH would have some clarity on dates which you could then use to firm up your own blurry memories. But if your BH's memory is starting to go, it might be too late.
Being stuck in a groove is one thing. Not being able to, or wanting to, heal is another. If you put the infidelity aside for a minute, how did your BH treat you? and why did he treat you the way you describe in your posts? It sounds like he's been living with some issues for a very long time and that they were there long before your A. Is that your fault? If you hadn't cheated, and his behaviors remained the same throughout your long marriage, would you have still stuck around? If so, then why? Is it a matter that you're stuck in your own groove?
This makes me wonder if this whole trauma has unhinged him. I think he may be depressed. He still works hard and he is very dependent on his brain power to do what he does. I think he is afraid that he is losing it and that comes out in anger at me, particularly when he gets confused. I do so wish he could find some peace.
We had a discussion the other night. I told him that I accept that it is unlikely that our relationship will be much more than it is now. I told him that I am not expecting more from him and I will be happy.
Unfortunately he has a problem in that he does not want to be a lonely old man. He is sad that he does not have a happy marriage and a soulmate. I happen to think that soulmates are very rare birds.
I am doing the best I can. If he cannot bring himself to accept my love and my concern for him, it makes me sad, but I cannot change that.