I can understand what he is living with. He wanted a faithful loving wife. I was too immature when we got together, I did not want to get pregnant. After I had the baby my friends had all moved away and I was lonely. Then he was asking me about my premarital sex life again whilst refusing to tell me his. I felt insecure now having a child, throw in a bit of post partum depression (not recognized at all in those days) and he was so busy that he told me to get a part time job to get some attention. He did this with the best of intentions but I reacted badly. I was not adult enough to sort things out properly. I lied and rugswept, which then lead to a lifetime of trickle truth.
He insinuated that he had slept with others before me. Well, he hadn’t ,and neither had I, so the ridiculous thing was that when we did, we neither of us thought we were the first. He still doe not want to believe that he was my first for some reason. He goes over it in his mind, keeps asking questions and as you can see we have been at it a long time with no resolution.
He does not want me to stay married to him. He wants to clear the air. When he is angry he wants to out me because “he cannot live a lie”. But then he sees that it would now be so hard to break up. We are just over a year away from a really big anniversary, that people would expect us to celebrate. He doesn’t want to celebrate obviously. I fully understand that. But the hard thing for me is that he really doesn’t love me at all. He doesn’t even like me. He thinks I am evil and was an evil person. He hates the person I was and he says he does not know who I am now, because I have not metamorphosed into what he thinks I should be. Often I feel the only way out would be for me to die in an accident or of a swift disease, then he could be the grieving widower and the mess in his life would be gone.
Our son picked up on the disrespectful way my BH treats me and speaks to me in general. Most people do not see this, as in public he is pretty charming. It is now getting harder for him to keep up the charade as he is still angry. His forgetfulness has increased, and he is getting confused because he cannot sort out his life. If he cant live with this then he must do something about it. He is obsessing over details which we have gone over and over before. It almost feels as if he needs to keep reminding himself.
I have offered to divorce and put it down to practical reasons but he thinks that a) it will not wash, and b) it would be a lie, and he would rather out me if we have to divorce. I wish he could let it go for his own sake. He is now suggesting that it gives me pleasure to destroy him. I wish he would talk to someone. I think he needs to let it out to an impartial person, preferably some one who is wise and compassionate.