I feel second best. I feel like she's settling for me because she just can't be the "evil woman" who destroyed her family. I feel she'd rather be with him and I'm sitting here watching her trying to forget OM. She says I'm not second best yet this guy was so amazing she was OK lying to me for a year to be with him. She was willing to gamble me away for a mere chance with him. She says three hours could go by like 5 min... never said that about me. She used her pet name for me with him (seriously, WTF?). She was sooo "head over heels for him".
Seriously, sometimes I feel like I've stood in her way of real happiness..... come on, its kinda the definition of second best. You're not special enough to this person for them to do something as simple as not fuck someone else? To not seek out the attention of another person?
Tell me how we're NOT second best, second choice... whatever. It seems to me that we BSs are literally second choice. If we were truly that special to you this wouldn't have happened. I bet you wouldn't take any chances that would possibly lead to you losing your diamond rings or your cool sports cars or whatever it is that's special to you. Why is it so easy to throw us to the side and do something like this. In my mind it is because we just aren't that special to you. At least not special enough.
Hearing that I am an obligation (which he denies, says that he just didn't want to get her mad and have her keep calling him) has stuck with me.
I feel second best, the silver medal....the consolation prize.
What is she doing to fix herself?
It always about the waywards brokenness, their inability to cope with whatever hole, poor coping mechanisms or poor processes that are going on inside of them. It is not about the spouse, not about the M. It is not about the spouse being second best.
It was never that for me, and I know that was not the case for my H either as we are madhatters. I know it was about his brokenness.
I hope ever BS can someday get to a point where they truly understand it was not about them.
Hope this helps.
I don't feel special anymore. And since dday, I have become more aware of who my WH is...someone I didn't know existed.
I guess I had him on a pedestal.
At any rate, I am now fully aware that he finds so many women attractive. I used to think he had a 'type'. I've come to find out that no, he doesn't have a type. Makes me feel like he would 'tap' just about anything with a spot to do so. KWIM?
I just don't feel special or the most beautiful thing to him. Second best as you put it...and, frankly, I think this makes me ripe for the picking.
Don't like to say it, but it is the truth.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
It was a bullshit fantasy based on lies and mutual mental mastabation.
There was no real life. No shared experience. No trust. No honesty. No depth.
I can buy my own diamonds and sports car. I chose my BH. I am so fortunate he chose me, despite my horrible actions.
He was never second best. I lost sight of our love and what he meant to me. I pushed it down. I am forever sorry for that.
He may not ever believe 100 percent. But I know. He is simply the best.
It was about me. In reality my BH was never second to the AP, however during the A I put him, my kids and my M second to my self. I was self-destructive, emotionally immature, and driven by a desperate need to escape being with myself.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
I bet you wouldn't take any chances that would possibly lead to you losing your diamond rings or your cool sports cars or whatever it is that's special to you.
Makes me feel like he would 'tap' just about anything with a spot to do so. KWIM?
Are you guys really asking or just venting?
The AP represents unfulfilled dreams and aspirations; an escape to a romantic alternative to everyday living. We never stood a chance.
I personally don't feel second best; it was never a valid comparison between me and the OW. My FWH is damn lucky to have been almost totally forgiven and especially fortunate to have me as a wife. If he dabbles in extramarital fantasies ever again, there will be no reconciliation on the table.
We were all second choice. But not the the AP - to our spouses, and their demons.
You are trying to apply logic and rationality to a situation that bears none. It can't be done. The best I can do, is focus on the words of my IC; if he wanted to be with her, he would be. Certainly a wayward suffering from chronic cranial-rectal inversion isn't going to choose anyone but themself.
The bigger choice, is why do you want to stay with her.
I do not feel special. I feel replaceable, disposable...by any number of women.
And I don't know how to explain it because certainly, I knew my WH husband found other people attractive before. We all do. The difference is that I did not think he would ACT on it, ever.
I do feel second best. I feel that if he was single or not married or we did not have kids he would have tried with her, stayed with her... Doesn't make me feel like first choice. Sorry.
And it is getting in the way.
I threw myself away.
Might as well have just thrown myself in with the garbage and recycling. Painful to realise how like trash I felt. Always had.
Taken a long time to begin to find me again. It's without end really. In saying that though, the outcome for the BS is still the same, immense pain, hurt and betrayal.
I remember a friend saying when she went to a therapist who said that a truly healthy response from the BS is if they walked in on their WS in bed with someone and their first response was to say "OMG! What are you doing to yourself"?
Starting to understand now what that means. Hard place to get to though, for both WW and BS.
edited for typo
[This message edited by ophelia24 at 10:01 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]
I think about this all the time
I do feel second best. I feel that if ....we did not have kids he would have tried with her, stayed with her... Doesn't make me feel like first choice.
When I chose R, it was not because I saw my H as second best. It's because I finally figured out that I had to stop hiding, put to rest my fear of abandonment and put him and our marriage first over all of those things.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."