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tesla posted 5/26/2013 20:41 PM

Ex-shat and stripper whore smoke. Teslet comes home wreaking of it...but I admit, I'm super sensitive to smoke and perfumes...I can smell it a mile away. Also makes my throat scratchy and gives me a bad headache. (Ex-shat quit smoking to be with me...he knew what a disgusting habit I thought it was.)

Anyway, it smells very strong to me on the drive home and usually I don't ask point blank questions about what goes on in the house...but tonight I ask Teslet if daddy and stripper whore smoke inside the apartment. Teslet says that they do and that he coughs a lot...but then he says that daddy doesn't smoke much.
So I tell Teslet that smoking is a very unhealthy and yucky thing to do and that it can make you very sick. Teslet says that daddy says smoking won't hurt daddy.
I said that smoking can hurt daddy and make him very sick. That it would be very, very good if daddy could stop smoking. Teslet was very adament that smoking won't hurt daddy.

I feel like I'm going to have to start unlearning some bullshit that my kid has been taught over there. But I don't want to harp on it too much because I don't want Teslet to feel like he just threw his dad under the bus, KWIM?

Anyway, anybody got experience with this? I'd like to send the idiot a text that his son was complaining that the smoking was making him cough...but this is ex-shat we are talking about here.

Griefstricken25 posted 5/26/2013 20:47 PM

Oh man, I'd be beyond livid if my kid had to spend extended time in smoke-filled environments. Poor Teslet.

I would text about Teslet coughing, but you're right, it would fall on deaf ears.

h0peless posted 5/26/2013 20:48 PM

I never smoked in the house and didn't have kids to expose to it but on the "it won't hurt Daddy" front ( by the way), it's been almost 6 weeks since my last cigarette and I'm still coughing up yellow gunk that tastes like tar. I'm still having crazy cravings a few times a day. I'll still be at an increased risk for cancer and heart disease for another 15 years.

6 weeks out, the cough is finally going away, the pain in my chest, throat and mouth is gone and after a few washes, the smell is finally coming out of my clothes.

[This message edited by h0peless at 8:49 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

Kajem posted 5/26/2013 20:53 PM

X is justifying his bad habits to teslet and having teslet swear by them to you. Not good.

Call Teslet's daycare/preschool and ask if they have any age appropriate information to share with Teslet regarding smoking being bad for you. Encourage them to do so.

Teslet is learning that you and X will be on opposing teams from now on. And he doesn't want that so he will stick up for dad when he's with you and for you when he's with dad. You will start needing a neutral party to help him decypher what dad wants him to believe and what is actually true. Getting back up from other outside sources helps.



PurpleRose posted 5/26/2013 20:58 PM

could you email ex-shat to say "hey, Teslet came home coughing a ton, was he sick all weekend or did this just start?"

Maybe he'll say something stupid like "Well he is always coughing so I thought it was normal" - then you can comment on the air quality. :)

Poor Teslet. I'd be livid if my son was exposed to second hand smoke from his own father, in the house. Livid.

Nature_Girl posted 5/26/2013 21:09 PM

I'd go to the pediatrician and ask about the connection between 2nd-hand smoke, coughing children, and later-in-life diseases (like lung cancer, which is going to be killing my SIL in the next few weeks even though she's never smoked a day in her life). Don't pussyfoot around this issue. Smoking around children is serious, and getting back-up from a doctor will only help your case.

BTW, I have a daughter who has smoke-induced asthma. Nothing like seeing her lips turn blue as she gasps for air because the stupid ass who lives next door smokes like a chimney & it blows into our house.

tesla posted 5/26/2013 21:10 PM

Kajem - I was afraid of that. Sigh. Ok, lucky for me, the school/daycare knows the situation and have been awesome about working with him. I'll clue his play therapist in on it as well.

I'm telling you all this guy used to be intelligent. Shit, he had been smoke free for several years. Started up when he started the affair (Yeah, there was a big old red flag, huh?) He knows what smoking does...he knows about second hand smoke...poor OC, she's on her way to asthma.

Fucking idiot.

hurtbs posted 5/26/2013 22:03 PM

In some jurisdictions it is illegal to smoke inside of a closed environment with children. Any chance it is there?

SBB posted 5/26/2013 22:20 PM

I'm a smoker and love smoking. My girls have never seen me smoke - even when I was a pack a day chimney.

I think it's disgraceful that they smoke indoors at all - let alone with Teslet around AND a fucking baby FFS.

Do people really still do that?

It's illegal here to smoke with children in a car - I wish it would extend to smoking around them full stop.

I know it won't do any good but I'd HAVE to ask him to not smoke inside when Teslet is around. He'll probably deny it but surely some part of their brain computes that this is NOT OK.


TrustNoOne posted 5/26/2013 22:43 PM

I, too, would have to say something to the X about it - deaf ears or not.

Never, ever, could I knowingly allow my child to be in a harmful environment and not say or do something about it.

Sad in AZ posted 5/27/2013 01:09 AM

Tesla, I would go with a full court press campaign against smoking around Teslet (and the OC as a by-product.) This is way too important to chalk up to 'ex shat is an asshole; what can I do?'

Do the research; talk to your attorney; build a case. Do not let him and the SW poison your only child.

tesla posted 5/27/2013 07:07 AM

When we were in the D process, I did mention it to my L and she was interested. I do recall her saying that if Teslet started developing problems from it that we could do something about it. Maybe a cough is enough? I will follow up with her on it. His pediatrician is really good, at his yearly appointment I mentioned it as well, but the dr saw no problems yet.

My locality and the locality ex-shat lives in have no laws regarding smoking in private places nor smoking around children under 18.

I will start building the case. But should I bother emailing ex-shat? I could say something like,

"Teslet inadvertently mentioned that being around smoking adults is making him cough. My concern is that the cough could turn into asthma or allergies or could affect his developing lungs in other detrimental ways."

I just hate dealing with this fucker. I'm so tired of being this idiot's conscience. And I'm really, really tired of paying my L to force him to do the right thing. Tell me, how is this fucking fair? I know, I know -- it's not fair. So I just have to suck it up and deal with it...but I'm getting really tired of dealing with this bullshit. I just would like to live my life ex-shat free...if he's going to be a dead-beat...why doesn't he have enough shame to stop seeing his child? Fuck this stupid fucking guy.

debbysbaby posted 5/27/2013 07:15 AM

I'm sorry, Tesla. It all just sucks. My XH was/is a smoker, but never has smoked inside and at least that continued on after the divorce. Not to t/j here, but I have a new problem, one I never thought I'd be facing, but partially thanks to poop-smear, I am and you could one day as well. Despite all my cautionary talk as my kids grew up and their self-proclaimed aversion to smoking, I've learned that my DD18 has been smoking for over a year.

In hindsight, there were warning signs but I missed them. Where did she get those first cigarettes? Why, she pilfered them from poopsmear, of course!

hurtinky posted 5/27/2013 17:49 PM

No way would I allow anyone to smoke around my children. I'd refuse to let him have her until he stopped smoking in his home or car EVER. Studies have shown that the carcinogens linger in the area, so merely not smoking when the child is in the space isn't enough to protect them.

I'd go to jail for custodial interference before I'd let my child be exposed to second hand smoke.

I'd also have his ass over the mind fucking he's inflicting on her that smoking won't hurt him.

If it were me, I'd be shopping for a bull dog attorney who is willing to go out on a limb over this.

Dark Inertia posted 5/27/2013 19:54 PM

Ooohhh, this makes me so mad!!

I remember once I was skyping with my SO while he was visiting his mom in the middle of winter. She lives up north so their winters are like -50 degrees. While we were on skype I heard the clicking of the lighter, and in the back of my brain I thought "Oh, his mom is smoking a cigarette." SO was quiet for a few seconds and then said "Mom, take the cigarette outside, please".

Now it surprised me that my SO would ask this of his mom. Because it was HER apartment. But you know what, without hesitation, complaint, or anything, she got up and went out to her porch to sit in the below freezing weather and smoke her cigarette. I think it had something to do with RESPECTING her son's wishes and his health.

My neighbor has a new baby, and he ALWAYS smokes outside, even when it was horribly cold, he was out there shivering with the cigarette in his mouth.

What is particularly upsetting is that there are two... TWO children in a small apartment sucking in the second hand smoke.

It is God damn summer for fuck's sake! The adults should take turns going outside.

LOL, sorry, but this is a serious pet peeve of mine.

For the record, I am a true believer in "you must pick your battles". I do not think it is worth it to fight over every little thing. But this is one thing that I would go down spitting and pulling hair over.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:04 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

hurtinky posted 5/28/2013 08:17 AM

Smoking around children is child abuse. People who do it should lose custody.

People who have children in their home should not be allowed to EVER smoke in their homes or cars. And they should leave the clothes they are wearing when they smoke outside, so there is no contact with the child. And they should have to shower after each episode of smoking.

It makes me sick that people think it is ok to expose children to carcinogens via smoke. Might as well just rub your kids in it...gather up a bunch of carcinogens in a tub and plop your kids down in it and rub it all over them.

I think smoking is disgusting to begin with, but there's just something evil about smoking around children. It should be a crime.

Ashland13 posted 5/28/2013 08:37 AM

HI Tesla,

I was going to write about getting a third party involved, like some of the others did...

Perv is NPD/PA and some ...other..."safety" issues have come up that are grey areas, like I consider smoking. Grey in that there are and should be rules for the topic, but not followed by everyone and not agreed on by everyone.

One of "our" problems is that one of our most supportive relatives smokes. So not only do we have that with DD and my current condition, DD is learning things about it and extremely impressionable.

She's learning things like phrases and things that I wouldn't have wanted her to know at her age "coffin nails" and other things.

I am in a bind with it, as well, because this person is one my only local emotional support people, but I can't be there when he smokes. He knows it but the habit is so bad he still does it and inside. Not in the room, but still.

My other input is that whenver something I believe very strongly or is a medical consideration for any of us, esp. DD or baby, comes up, I research the tar out of it and then present those facts to Perv. They have to be rock-solid and they have to have some legal boundary for him to do the rules, but maybe with some of the things the teacher/therapist tells Teslet and even a doctor to back up what you want to "present" to exshat...maybe it would help at all? Maybe it wouldn't, but it may prove that you are serious.

This came up with STDs and that's how I had to go about it to get him to even take me half-seriously. He still really doesn't and is more concerned with SR (Smoking Relative).

You know, as aside, he's actually using SR's habit against him, even while he supports Perv, to try to stay at a place Perv likes better and where he won't be questioned...(more food an amenities). Sad.

And just for chat, DD has a little schoolfriend who's parent is a chimney and the little girl would actually complain about our air smelling strange because no one smokes here. It was eye opening.

Yes, people still smoke around kids, whether inside or driving or whevever. And recently I was sad to discover that in the local post office, you can smell it very strongly. Sad again.

I wish you luck.

suckstobeme posted 5/28/2013 13:25 PM

Part of building your case would be mentioning it to him in writing. I wouldn't be vague about it. Just very to the point, "Teslet came home smelling of smoke and coughing and confirmed that you and stripper whore frequently smoke when he is inside the house. I am going to ask that no one smoke in the house when he is there. Not trying to tell you how to run your house, but this is a health issue for our child."

When he tells you to go blow, that's a good thing. Your lawyer will be very interested in that.

The other thing I'm thinking is what your decree says about decisions regarding Teslet health issues. For instance, do you both get to make decisions or do you have soul custody and control the health issue alone? Even if you have joint custody, does the decree give you decision making ability as the primary custodian even if there is a stale mate?

I think this is a huge health issue. You can't smoke in schools or stores or restaurants. Courts should care that kids are being exposed to smoke on a regular basis in a parent's home. We all are very well aware of the health issues caused by second hand smoke so if a court is going to force visitation, it should be ready to force minimal safety standards on parents as well.

What a dickhead he is!

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