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New the the board. Glad to find somewhere to talk to others in the same boat. Hi I'm Sara. Found out my H of 7 years was having an affair last Monday. It's been going on for a year with an escort, of all pple. We have two young children and had been in counseling. My world is rocked. He says he'll do anything - but I feel this is a pattern. I asked him to move out and he has, and I'm assessing what I want next. I have lots of family and church support. Dealing with the betrayal, which I felt was there for so long. That's the hardest. I knew something was up, and he kept saying, no. And he was lying for a year. :\ Went today to get tested for STDs I might have. We'll see. Beyond hurt.

Sara

Sara, welcome to the best club that noone should have to join. Try to eat, drink and be good to yourself.
Have you talked to an attorney yet? If not, I urge you to do so. Knowing your rights is very empowering, especially when you feel you have ZERO power.
Hugs. Sorry you're here.

Hi Sara. Welcome! Sorry for your pain.

Since you do not know for sure what the eventual outcome of this will be, please insist that he also be tested for STD's and have his doc call or mail you your WH's test results.

I second STD screening for you WH. I would go even further though. I would have him doing it every 3-6 months until you feel he will no longer cheat, because he did it with an escort. This is what they recommend for sex-workers. This is just the natural consequences of him having sex with an escort. I would also use condoms for a very long time after you start R just to be safe. You have children that need you healthy.

Glad you have support at home. I would also contact a lawyer and see what your rights are.

Read up in the healing library. There is many things that can help you on this journey.

He says he'll do anything

Easier to move mountains with words than shovels... Please be very careful now. You are in a state of shock, and anything he says must be very carefully evaluated, and ONLY believed with a tremendous amount of consistent, truthful action.

Expect him to lie, minimize, trickle truth you, and NEVER accept blame shift; this is 1000% on him, ZERO on you... NEVER FORGET THIS, or allow him to say/act otherwise.

Right now, it's all about you, what your needs are, and if at whatever time you decide to attempt reconciliation, or divorce. He dropped a nuclear bomb on the marriage, and you are under no obligation to "fix" it.

Know too your emotions can and will be all over the place from sobbing, despair, and rage in as many minutes, all normal. Feeling super charged sexual desire for him is normal too, as is forgetfulness, confusion, low energy.

I too was the victim of a long term affair (that continues on another year), and like all of us here, understands the incredible pain, agony, and disbelieve you are feeling. You are amongst good friends here who want the very best for you, and it will get better someday I promise.

Very sorry for your pain, and it's great that you have in real life help in addition to SI, to help get you through this.

GM, my SAWS cheated on me multiple times with prostitutes, well, they advertise as escorts, but we all know what they really are.
You say you feel this is a patter,what makes you feel that way? It may be a pattern with him.Was it only one escort for the whole year?

I know what pain you are going thru right now and if you would like to PM anytime to talk, feel free. I am so very sorry you find yourself here, but believe me these people here are great. I so wish I had thought to come here a year ago when I knew something was very wrong ,but didn't know what. I could have busted his ass and found so much evidence that is now gone.

[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 6:00 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

Welcome Sara. So sorry for the pain you feel. Glad you found SI, there are some wonderful people here. I am fairly new to the board myself and going thru struggles much like everyone else here.

Thank for EVERYONE for all the support. Wow. I don't usually post on these sites, but I have been looking for someone to talk to other who have been through or going through the same thing and I'm so ((thankful)).

Shockleader - you are right - emotions all over the map. Sad, mad, glad that I know at least. At my WH, disgust really. He chose to gratify his own sexual needs outside our marriage for a year, at the expense of all of us. He said he was working nights, when he was often watching porn or sex phoning or seeing this one escort. :( Then he would sleep most the day.

In ways, it's a relief. It will be easier to live without another child, and one that is hurting me and lying to me constantly, than to live a lie. He literally hadn't come to bed but a few times in the last year, and I kept say, "what's up?? what's wrong?" and he would make excuses. I do not believe anything he says. And I want a divorce. Now it's working out the logistics.

Tiredofthepain, the pattern is lying. A few years ago he was hiding drug use from me and lying about it. And it was causing us to argue because it made him irritable.

I'll be much better off without him.

So glad to be here. Thanks guys.

Sarah