SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

She quit being my mother when I was 9 or 10. It became about her and her men and later she put her responsibility of her three kids on me

She was also verbally abusive. Belittling me in front of her friends.

I never felt love from her. I dont ever remember her saying she loved us.

I do remember her saying she only wanted my brother and if it werent for him she would have left

I quit talking to her 21 yrs ago.

My sister forgave her for saying the above crap and for turning a blind eye when her boyfriends molested my younver sister.

Now I get a fb pm from my sil how egg donar quit eating and wont make the week. What am I supposed to say/do?

I did say a prayer that she didnt suffer (and please make me a better mother to my kids than she was to me)

I get she struggled as a single parent

I get she felt unloved bc her family rejected her (I think my grandma was bipolar. She abused egg donar. Egg donar was sent away. Everyone else just kept quiet). I get all that. But why not eat with heapinv spoonfuls the love her kids gave her. My kids drive me nuts but they rock my world.

Im glad she was a good drandmother to my brothers kids. Im glad they will miss her. Im glad they are there with her But I cant feel more than that. I dont hate her. The anger is gone. Im just kind of not there on the subject. My sil didnt like my response (akward considering the history....I hope she doesnt suffer). What am I supposed to say? Hell, if I died they wouldnt bat an eye either.

Dysfunctional foo shit

Not sure how to process.

(((Sully)))

I have a toxic "mother" too... I'm not even sure how I'll feel when this day comes for me.

I don't have any words of advice... Just Hugs.

Thank you.

My just fb pm'd a bunch of people. Im on that list, too, tho its unnecesary bc she already pm'd me

Then she put it on her fb page.

I wont begrudge egg donar any well wishes. Its the livings last gift to her. As much as I have detatched from her, I feel she deserves it. The last gift from the world

I just. Cant

You have detached from the egg donor to protect yourself. It has served you well. Just because the egg donor is now dying you are supposed to get all emotional? I don't see how you could or why you would. I feel you have the right attitude, sully. It is like someone you once knew is dying. Yeah, it is kind of sad, but really has no effect on you or your life.

(((sully))) Don't let anyone tell you that what you feel is wrong, or don't feel, for that matter.

If you have made piece with her dying then you do what is natural.

Has she every apologized for what she did? If not is SIL contacting you so your mother can? A lot of people want forgiveness and to apologize when their life is almost over.

If it is for this I would consider seeing her for the apology, but keep it simple. You have every right just to accept it politely and show little emotion.

No matter what you do what you feel if right and what you can live with after she passes.

Sully

My father walked away from us and didnt pay a red cent for child care.

Short of the story he came back when I was 18 wanted a reconnection. Not happening bud.

He died alone. i knew he was sick but I felt nothing towards him.

I showed up at the funeral home stayed 5 minutes and went home. His death gave me a 3 day paid leave.
No regrets here. I owed him nothing!

[This message edited by heartache101 at 10:38 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

(((sully)))

Compassion is all we owe anybody, and you are showing that.

You're doing the best you can, and that's ok. Don't be hard on yourself.

Sending hugs and strength.

((((sully)))) I hope you find some peace for this situation.

One of the wonderful things we get to do as an adult is decide who we do and do not have in our lives!
It sounds like you made the decision a long time ago to not have her a part of your life and that is ok.
You don't have to reconnect/see her simply because your sil thinks you should....she really has no say...it always has been and always will be your choice...
HUGS

She made the choice to be abusive to you and, as an adult, you made the choice to walk away. I'd say you made a wise decision. Don't let strangers guilt you now into allowing her a place in your life that she doesn't deserve.

I would just like to point out that your grandmother had issues; but as an adult, your mother made choices on how to live her life. And your mom had issues, but you have made choices as an adult on how to live your life. No matter what your mother's family was like, or what yours was like, we all have the responsibility to step up as adults and make choices and decisions for ourselves and our children. It's very sad how your mom chose to live her life, but you haven't let that dictate who you are, and that shows a lot of strength on your part. You are an adult, so you get to make your own choices about how to handle the situation without having to listen to anyone else's opinion.

Big hugs to you. My kids drive me nuts as well, but they certainly rock my world

Sil wrote on fb

Egg donar died this morning. She left us with many sweet memories. It hurts me to see my family grieve. We loved her so much

For some reason that just ticks me off immensely. Im so glad for hou sil. Congrats. You werent there. You didnt get your babysitting money taken from you so she could buy food for her, your brother and buy herself nodoz and cigarettes. My sister and I had to steal candy bars from the safeway to eat.

Okay a good memory: we were taught not to complain about our food (imo a good trait...be thankful for what you have). She actually did good with throwing bits of this and bits of that together (until later when she quit providing food for kids in leiu of her fuck face male ho). Well, this one day it didnt vo so well. The three of us just sat there wondering how we were going to get it down.

Egg donar took a bite then said "put your plates in the sink. We are going to mcdonalds".

No she never apologised. She had ways to reach me. Through my sil or years prior through my sister. Nothing.

My dad was schitophrenic. Nuture not nature. He was a gentle giant who was abused by a man who wenf into war a sweet man and returned an abuser. My father apologised to me when I saw him when I was 20. He apologised several times after that (he was emulating his father bc he thought thats how fathers acted) I knew my father loved me

Egg donar.

I cant remember who on this thread said this (butterfly?) but as an adult she had control of her decisions. Thats why I cant cut her slack. The only improvement I knew about was age 50 she learned to pay her rent so she didnt get evicted.

I see sil post this stuff on fb but she never did it for my dad. Supposedly they went to see my dad and my brother spoke often witb him by phone

No fb posts from them They didnt even show for the funeral. I asked for info of their kids so I could put it in the book at the cemetary. They never responded.

What I remember about her is the drama

Phone rings;

Sis or myself: hello
Egg donar: wwwaaaahhhhh (insert problem). She needed money. My sister usually got these calls bc I was walking away or had shut the door

I feel sorry for egg donar. I really do. To have your kid not speak to you for 21 yrs. For you to never have spoken with two of your grandkids. (I mean her...dont want to retype to fix errors). Im trying not to curse but I will...She had a totally fucked up childhood. She failed at raising kids but there was still a chance to rectify but she didnt

Please God let me be a better mother.

As for those fb posts...just in case youre wondering, Im leaving them alone Im not even addressing them privately with sil. Just venting here

((((((sully)))))

((((sully)))) You are a wonderful, beautiful person. A great mother! I have a whole new level of admiration for you and a new understanding, too.

Yes *crickets* is the way to go.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:27 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

Wow Sully! I don't have any advice as I had the greatest Mom in the world who devoted herself 110% to her kids.

I have to say I admire the way you came out of a bad situation, your posts don't sound bitter, they sound like a person who has put that behind her & moved on.

As for how to process? keep doing what you're doing & what feels right to you!

One of my Mothers favorite sayings ( & she had TONS, believe me) was some people shouldn't be allowed to breed & your mom seemed to fall in to that category..

Big hugs to you today, I'm sure you'll be dealing with lots of emotions!

((sully))

my SO has a difficult relationship with both he dad and his step-dad. His dad bailed out when he was 2 years old and mad half assed attempts later in life. He died last august. My SO was shaken up for a few days but elected not to go to the funeral. He had made peace with his decisions regarding his father a long time before. If you are truly comfortable with how you've left things with your egg donor, do not feel obligated to do anything. My SO feels good about his decision. It not with out some feelings to deal with but he still feels it was the right one.

You are a fabulous mother sully. We can all see it.

Big, super huge hugs to you today. Go give those kiddos some extra love.

(((((((((sully))))))))

(((sully)))

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have learned from her mistakes. Good for you.

Staying out of the drama with your SIL sounds wise. She is not worth your stress.

(((hugs)))

I cannot imagine your confusion and pain right now. I want you to know that you have the right to mourn what wasn't but should have been.