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Still? I still have to explain this?"

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Nogoingback posted 5/26/2013 23:11 PM

WS and I have not yet had what I would describe as a truly empathic discussion where she GETS what betrayal does to a person. I know that until it happens to them (which it won't, if we reconcile) they can't possibly understand the absolute devastation and complete and utter destruction of our lives, but she says things like "you can't know that you will never trust the same way again", and "just because it takes other people 2-5 years, doesn't mean you have to stick to that timeframe" etc etc.
I do know that I will never love as deeply or trust as freely with anyone, ever again. Maybe that's a good thing, Maybe reality is okay, and I should never have given someone that much trust. But for her to keep acting like I'm overstating things and that the devastation shouldn't be as huge as it is, is really pissing me off.
(Yes we are in MC and IC, and I have asked her to read How to help your spouse heal, and also things every WS should know on this site. Still waiting for the aha moment)
I know people only get there in their own time.... Just a vent I guess.

TrustGone posted 5/27/2013 01:12 AM

It sounds like your WW does not "get it" at all. That is not uncommon in the beginning for waywards. They are basically still in the "Fog" and have not totally processed what they did. Until she is really ready to own it, you can expect her to try and minimize what she did and the amount of pain you are experiencing. Waywards do not want to admit that they were capable of inflicting this type of trauma on their spouses. It is an ugly thing to have to admit that you threw away your morals and integrity after all. Keep doing what you are doing. Do not allow her to rug sweep or tell you how you should be feeling. She needs to be working on figuring out what is broken in her that allowed her to do this in the first place. (((HUGS)))

Knowing posted 5/27/2013 07:01 AM

Just wanted to add my two cents re "getting it". We are 8 months post-DDay and on one hand my fWH understands the impact of his A but on the other hand we still argue about the "depth" of it sometimes. I think it's a defence mechanism for him, and understandable coming from someone who doesn't "get" feelings at all. He has spent his entire life denying or suppressing feelings, it's no wonder he has trouble accepting mine, especially the "big" ones.

It's absolutely necessary to persist however. Continue to acknowledge your feelings even if your WS can't fully. There is very little room for negotiating or denying feelings. Get the support you need, from your WS and here and IRL.

alphakitte posted 5/27/2013 07:52 AM

IF she doesn't want it to take 3, or 5, years to R then she needs to really speed up, and go deep, long and hard, what an extremely remorselful spouse is tequired to do to facilitate the BS's healing.

Does she know what that requires?

StillGoing posted 5/27/2013 08:00 AM

but she says things like "you can't know that you will never trust the same way again", and "just because it takes other people 2-5 years, doesn't mean you have to stick to that timeframe" etc etc.

Early on my wife said similar things. She even told me if this could really take 5 years she wasn't sure she wanted to wait that long. I don't remember if I said anything or just stared at her.

Later on she came and apologized and told me she understood that it will take as long as it takes and that she would do whatever it took. The problem here is that whether she thinks she gets it or not, she is not thinking about your pain and healing primarily as it pertains to you, but how it affects her. You can try to explain that to her but she has to work through that in her head and understand it herself.

sisoon posted 5/27/2013 12:30 PM

But for her to keep acting like I'm overstating things and that the devastation shouldn't be as huge as it is, is really pissing me off.

Are you discussing this, specifically, in MC? At the very least, you and your W need to get on the same wavelength about the impact of the A, and this is something the MC should be able to help you with.

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