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Newest Member: Gerbilnick (61799)

User Topic: Where Do The Memories Go?
♂ 38561
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New to this side of the forum but figured this was the right place to post as I've accepted the end.

So I've been 100% NC with WGF for about 3 weeks now. It's been liberating for me and it makes me realize how important it would have been for me had I done it sooner even though WGF was feeding me emotional comfort.

I don't think about her much, I've been doing much of the things that I used to do for myself that make me happy. Finally got back to working out and have been crushing Crossfit sessions 3-4 times a week. All this has been good stuff and it's been mostly because I've completely let go of WGF and the possibility of us ever being anything ever again.

In all this I certainly have thoughts about her from time to time but I immediately fend off the thoughts because they don't do any good. It's all about me right now. But to get to the title of this thread, I can't think about anything that involves WGF, and this includes any memories that involve her. It's all tied to how it ended. It's been 3 months since I JFO so I guess it's still relatively fresh but what happens to those memories? I'm mental, physical and verbal NC with her because I have to for me, but this includes any and all memories that I have of our 6+ year relationship. Do I get those back? There are some amazing memories that I wish I could recall fondly, but it all takes me back to how it ended. Will they mean anything to me in the future or will it all be too disappointing to think about?

ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back

Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like to think of the memories as a puzzle. Sometimes I obsess over the puzzle. What was this piece? Does the piece really look like this? What if the piece really goes over here?

I think remembering incidents throw me for the biggest loop. Like all of the sudden I think of a time I should have realized something was up, a red flag I missed. This throws my puzzle out of whack for a while.. Sometimes his re-writing of the marriage makes me look at the puzzle differently, but I'm trusting my gut with what it's supposed to look like and certainly don't always take into consideration his point of view..

I try to let some pieces stay as they are. The memories with the kids, some of the good times.. Not all of the pieces have to look different now..

But just like any long puzzle, I have to take a break sometimes. I just try to accept what I have is probably not all the pieces, and maybe all the pieces aren't right, but I can leave it for now and come back if I need to.

I think it's all about accepting what the puzzle looks like right now and moving on.. Accepting that I may never finish it, but I'm fine with where it's at..

xBW~ 37
Two DS~ 9 and 13

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know. Occassionally I get a little memory to surface but honestly, I tend not to dwell on them...even the good ones that come up...I just kinda let them wash over me and move on.

Glad to hear that NC is going so well for you and that you are focusing on yourself.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it used to be way too painful to think of the memories with XWH. But now that I've reached indifference, I occasionally think about things we did together. We had a lot of really great years, and tons of amazing experiences.

For example, we used to travel to Europe a lot. I just read a book that took place in Istanbul (would have been way too difficult right after D-Day) and when the characters in the book would visit certain tourist sites, I'd briefly think fondly about when XWH and I had been there together.

I think that everyone is different on their healing timeline and whether they are even ever able to look fondly back at their time with the cheater. For me, I'm so much happier now, but I was also happy in my marriage, so there are a lot of good memories. I also have fond memories or previous boyfriends, and he's basically in that category now. He's changed, so I have no desire to ever talk to or see him again, but I also don't want to erase 13 years of my life from my memory!

The book "Getting Past Your Breakup" has some really great writing exercises that has you work through bad and good parts of your relationship. In the beginning, I wasn't able to come up with many good things, but with time, acceptance, and detachment, I've been able to regain my balanced view!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 4491 | Registered: Dec 2011
♂ 38561
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replys, all. I appreciate the insight. Sucks because at this stage of things, there really isn't anything that I can do about this thought. It is what it is until time does it's work. I just dislike having to stuff every single thought of her in to a box in the back of my mind. The A was 2-3 months with blame-shift breakup in a month before Dday. It's the 6 years prior that I ponder how i'll be able to look back on. It's frustrating to say the least. WGF tried to "help" me through my pain following Dday but overall, did little to no work on herself and I see her in a very different way now. Not a bad person, but very broken and seemingly too much of a coward to truly work on her own shit. It's made any thoughts of her cause me frustration or worse. There is no longer any fondness. I look forward to continued progress.

Surviving Infidelity every day.

ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back

Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
Dark Inertia
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My memories are still there. We had a lot of good memories, especially in the early years. Certain singers still make me think of him and smile. But it is like remembering childhood. It was a different life. It was nice. There was a lot of love at one point. It is gone now, but I will always cherish it. When it comes to the here and now I have a new beginning that I am investing all my love and time in.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 2:18 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

Posts: 1842 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone is different, but for me I have discarded most of the memories prior to dday. I was with X for 20 years so that is a LOT of memories. The only one I have retained are of DD. The rest, to me, are lies. I don't do lies.

But that is me.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been about six months since my DDay, and three months since I left. You know where all my memories are? Down the shitter.

I'd like to think that some day I will be able to look at the good bits of my 17.5 years of marriage, but right now they just hurt, and all have a shadow cast over them.

At least I have two fantastic kids from the whole mess.

I expect these things take more time than I've had so far.

Me: 1970
Two sons: 2000 and 2003
Cheating louse: What's her name again?

Married Aug/95
DDay Nov/12
Separated Mar/13
Finally divorced Jul/17

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't mean this to be discouraging, but it's really just been in the past 6-9 months that I've been able to remember the good memories without it feeling like they were tainted. And I'm 4 1/2 years out from d-day, and have been divorced for 3 years. But, I was with ex for almost 26 years, and the end was really, really ugly, so I think that had something to do with it all.

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

Posts: 13042 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
♂ 38681
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Memories will be there, they will just fade with time.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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