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SusanR posted 5/27/2013 05:15 AM

My SIL has jumped in, trying to help, stating that she went thru an infidelity crisis with her husband and determined he was a sex addict. They got help from God. The WH is recovering and they are working it out.

i am agnostic and have always been suspect of how her family puts everything in God's hands.

She seems to be telling me that i should trust God to make things right and he will. She has sent me a couple religious books about how to heal after sexual betrayal, She also sent my WH a book on sexual idolitry.

i do think my WH has an addiction but I don't think he is ready to face it head on. I gave him ample opportunity to address his issues befoere DD3.

i am able to forgive him because I think he has a problem. Not because of God but because I love him and want him to be happy.

i also want myself to be happy and healthy and can't just turn this over to God. i really can't take another DD. Divorcing this man, who has many admirable qualities, is the hardest thing I've ever done. I wish I could have some help from God but I am going to have to move on.

debbysbaby posted 5/27/2013 07:30 AM

Your title of this thread was forgiveness. I am a firm believer that you don't have to forgive at all. Some believe that to reach that blessed indifference you must forgive but that is simply not true. I will never forgive my xpoopsmear for what he did to me for a decade and a half and for the shit he has pulled continually to me and the kids in the 8 years since divorce. I did reach indifference though anyway.

I, too don't share the faith that many people around me do and don't believe a loving god has a daily hand in my life, so the sentiments your SIL is telling you would also not help me. I had friends who tried to help me this way. Believe me, I would LOVE to believe the way they do. It would be very comforting to feel I could just give all over to an omnipotent being and let them take over, but I just don't believe that way.
Just tell her "thanks" and then carry on the best way you know how.

Pass posted 5/27/2013 07:31 AM

Hey Susan,

I am an atheist, and have serious issues with people trying to push a god on me. But let's set that aside for a moment.

"The Lord helps he who helps himself." That's something I learned in Sunday School as a kid.

To me that says we shouldn't wait for any divine intervention. We should live our lives putting in full effort to earthly activities, while being good people, and praying for salvation on our day of judgement.

So, even if you do believe, or are unsure, do all the work as though there will be no help from a god.

Nature_Girl posted 5/27/2013 12:03 PM

I am of the Christian faith. The Bible is quite clear that divorce is allowed due to infidelity. There are also many passages about how husbands are to treat wives. I'd say your husband has failed to live up to those requirements. No where in the Bible are we required to be verbally or emotionally abused.

I think you can divorce with a clear conscience. You have to walk your own path in life, no one can walk it for you.

FYI, my STBX is involved with a Bible-based group for SA. What a farce. It's only as good as you're willing to be honest & do the hard work. It's not led by a trained psychologist educated in matters of SA. STBX totally knows how to work the system, that's for sure.

SusanR posted 5/27/2013 12:08 PM

@db - "xpoopsmear" made me laugh. I felt that way about my first husband. He was a total ahole. I say was because he is dead now. Karma is a bitch!

ButterflyGirl posted 5/27/2013 12:38 PM


I'm also a Christian, but I think the important thing would be to give up your problems to someone you trust is more experienced than you on the situation and follow their guidance. Like admitting that it's a problem too big to figure out in our own head and trusting the advice of someone else.

Perhaps you would do well with books that don't have a religious undertone, but I still think books or counseling or reaching out to other people who have been through it is a good idea, rather than thinking you have to come up with all the answers when you could really use some help..

But like Nature_Girl basically said, you are only going to get out of it what you put in. I don't see it helping to do this if you aren't willing to be honest and put in the hard work and admit that you need help.. And not all books or counselors should be trusted or really apply to our specific situation, so it may take a while to find that someone or something that you do trust to give your problems to..

solus sto posted 5/27/2013 13:44 PM

For me, forgiveness has little to do with God, and much more to do with me. I approach it like a bad debt. Like a debtor, I can write off that bad debt, "forgiving" it. I know I won't ever collect a dime. But that doesn't mean I forget. I'll never give the debtor another "loan," and his credit with me is ruined. I do not trust Mr. Trac-Fone; I'd be foolish to do so. I'd be foolish to have any expectations.

So I simply accept that I can't change the past. It doesn't mean I like it. It doesn't mean I forget it.

I just accept it.

I haven't forgiven because it's the Christian thing to do, or because God forgives, or anything of that nature. I've done it because I
couldn't stand, any longer, to be eaten alive by my own feelings.

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