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guarded (original poster member #25364) posted at 2:06 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2013
Even in R, sometimes I just stare at WH trying to figure out how/what kind of person could have done the things he's done to us. Still wonder sometimes do I really know who he is.
Anyone else do this? Why do I still do this this far out?
In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?
avicarswife ( member #35799) posted at 2:27 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2013
Me too!
Sometimes I shake my head in wonder - it just seems so unbelievable he could do this.
I think I am still amazed that the person I married 26 years ago could become this person!
On D-day:BS 46 (me)WH 50
Toasted22M 26 yrs,3 kids (16-24) at discovery. D-Days 2012 23-24 May + TT D-Day 2013 12 Apr
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 mths 2010
mOW#3 PA once
2022 Separated
mamak ( member #35969) posted at 2:36 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2013
I do not know the man that had the affair....
My WH was never the crazy ladies man. I mean, I am sure he had his wild and crazy moments but he was never the "player". That was my ex and that is why I was so attracted to my WH. The man who sought out another woman, called and texted her all day.....I don't know that person. I want nothing to do with that man and only want to be with the mani married.....
Me - 38, Him - 36
Married - 13 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 10, 12,15
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12.
heartache101 ( member #26465) posted at 2:42 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2013
We are in R forum so. I will say it nicely.
I can't imagine hurting someone like that. I would divorce before I even thought of cheating.
There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing
guarded (original poster member #25364) posted at 3:49 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2013
What's worse is that I still can' t figure out how he allowed himself to go there. And I can't see it when I stare at his face. Sometimes I feel like I am crazy. I feel like I am the only one that struggles with these abstract moral dilemmas/questions, etc. Am I the only one that cares bc it is right vs. wrong, instead of what is in it for me?
In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?
mchercheur ( member #37735) posted at 3:55 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2013
Same here. Agree with all of you.
It's like an alien came down from outer space & invaded my WH's body.
Me: BW; Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011 Married 35 years/Together 36 years/4 kids together, and 1 grandbaby; OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be
Althea ( member #37765) posted at 5:03 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2013
Reconciling that has been a major hurdle for me to overcome. I never saw cheating coming - not in a million years. In hindsight, I should have; but I just didn't my WH had it in him.
I made my WH go back through the timeline and go step by step through his feelings about life, the marriage, everything he had bottled up during the 5 years he was engaged in A behavior (he wasn't actually cheating but was fantasizing about it, working too much, checked out of family life, etc.) It helped - a lot. I could actually see how f&*$ed up he was; and I had no idea.
I don't know if that make sense, but figuring out what could make someone I know to be a good man at his core do something so inexplicably horrible, helped me to put this issue to rest - mostly...
Taking it one day at a time.
UndecidedinMA ( member #33732) posted at 6:56 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2013
Yep - every once in awhile when he is asleep I wonder how this man lying there could have cut me so deeply.
Thankfully getting abit fewer & farther between
ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R
mamak ( member #35969) posted at 7:30 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2013
Reconciling that has been a major hurdle for me to overcome. I never saw cheating coming - not in a million years. In hindsight, I should have; but I just didn't my WH had it in him.
This, this, this! We had marriage problems but at the time I thought we had started to commit to fixing them. Turns out the only plan was to get me therapy, get my self confidence fixed, and once I was "good" - drop the news to me and bail to be with his princess.
Me - 38, Him - 36
Married - 13 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 10, 12,15
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12.
TheAgonyOfIt ( member #39114) posted at 9:06 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2013
sometimes i think there are two kinds of people; those who can cheat and those who can't. when one marries the other and finds out they married a person who can cheat, it's a terrible shock that they didn't know. but was the spouse supposed to tell the other spouse, hey, i'm probably going to cheat. no. i look at my WS and I said to him: you are a cheater and I'm not. What do i DO with that?
Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Left home, job, whole life behind and difficult** adjusting. Dog injured and too much to handle. Supremely bummed out.
heforgotme ( member #38391) posted at 1:52 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013
Sometimes i feel like I am with a stranger.
D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry
LivinginLimbo ( member #35004) posted at 2:11 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013
With this comes the question of who he really is. Is he the person who was so selfish as to risk everything we built over 30+ years or is he the remorseful H I now see.
This is what I have more difficulty coming to terms with.
BS - 65
WH - 63
Married 37 years
D-Day 2/12/12
D-Day 6/1/16 Caught him back online early enough that no physical contact took place but still devastating. This sucks.
TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 3:30 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013
I feel like everyday I am playing Russian Roulette with my heart. I can't look at my WH#2 anymore and see the person I loved. I know he did all the things he did and when I actually sit down and put those 3yrs together myself I am just in shock that he could do those things to me. How can I possibly love someone that would treat me that way?? That could lie to me constantly while carrying on a whole other life with another woman. I still can't wrap my brain around how someone can do that to someone else. Also, not only was he playing me, but he was also playing her. She thought he loved her and wanted to marry her. Nope, just wanted in her panties when he could get by with it. This is the person with integrity and honor that I really want to spend my life with??? It is just so confusing to try and R with a cheater and I know I am not having a good run with it. Most days I function just fine, others I want to just get in my truck and keep driving until I totally disappear from his life. I don't think the hurt will ever go away. Sorry not one of my good days today. I am angry this is now my life.
XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:18 AM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2013
Yep I am angry today...VERY
And I am angry because of this question. I know what kind of a person WH is now and since we are in R I will refrain myself.
My WH is a very sick
person, one that I don't care to know. If I had the choice for a do-over but keep my 2 kids I would definitely not marry who I found him to be.
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
Undone1 ( member #37683) posted at 11:22 PM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2013
I am going to disagree with theAgonyofit regarding there are two kinds of people...cheaters and non-cheaters.
In my first marriage, I cheated. I was unhappy and took the cowards way out to save face by having multiple affairs. When I married my fWH, I knew he had also cheated on his first wife. We both agreed that we didn't want to be the people we had become to be in our former marriages. I committed 100% to monogamy and so did my fWH. As it turns out his 100% became 0%. I was totally blindsided in part because I CHANGED and I thought he did too!! I am no longer a cheater (and never will be) I have such a hard time understanding why this happened to US!
Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"
FaithStricken ( member #34080) posted at 1:45 AM on Thursday, May 30th, 2013
I didn't take Agonyofits post as literally meaning that there are 2 different kinds of people...cheaters and non-cheaters. I took it as a non-cheater often really cannot understand (thus the difference) why/how a cheater can make the decision to cheat.
This difference in comprehension is what leads the BS to sit and wonder or stare at the WS to try to make sense of the incomprehensible. The brain of a BS often pervasively tries to do this and it can be very frustrating.
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