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stilltrying2025 posted 5/27/2013 08:18 AM

Why am I holding on by this one tiny thread that my WH will come around and we will R? That's the only reason I have not filed any legal papers or tried to find a lawyer or contacted social services; it's that one little hope that we will R and by pushing with D or child support order he will pull further away and make my life even worse. Why do I have to be so scared to do this stuff? I have 500 excuses as to why I can't do these things but I know in my head I need to; my heart just can't follow suit!

He is so much better at the 180 then I am. I tried calling him yesterday to discuss our youngest daughter, finances and the bills that need to be paid and child support but he let my call go to voice mail. I can tell by the bank statement and cell phone bill that he was out getting drunk, again. This is how he deals with things; he drinks them away. I know he's pissed at me because of contacting the OW who then broke their friendship off but he's acting childish by not talking to me about the 3 things we agreed to talk about.

Sorry, just a venting here. I know what I need to do, I just don't want to. Money is such a huge issue for me and that too stops me from doing anything because I can't afford anything!

[This message edited by stilltrying2025 at 8:21 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

Loyalty2Liberty posted 5/27/2013 14:03 PM

Because you were married to him.

Because you have kids with him.

Because your perfectly good (enough, to you, at the time) life you worked hard to build with him for your entire family got nuked. Naturally, with so much invested, you would like to have it back if possible.

Because you haven't yet fully processed the full disgusting horror of the kind of person he really and truly is, and desparately wish you are mistaken about what you have seen.

Because you're lost and scared and alone, and are accustomed to going to him for support (or at least attempting in vain to do so)

Any of that ring a bell?

Missing a scumbag you're better off without is perfectly natural, and not at all a sign of being broken or weak or a drama llama. It happens to the best of us.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/28/2013 04:20 AM

Yup, you summed it all up in one post! I'm just so angry that is willing to throw away 24 years together over a frickin' EA and the OW didn't realize she was the OW and told him to never contact her again. He told our oldest daughter that he had seen I called. She asked him why he didn't talk to me. He said he needs space to figure shit out. Really?!?!?! You need space to figure shit out?!?!?! All you do is drink every night of the week and weekend. How does he think he is working on figuring out what he wants?!?!?! I'm 180-ing his ass even harder now. He's not going to know what hit him! No more babying him; he's gonna have to learn to pay his bills and balance his checkbook just like the rest of us. I'll only pay the bills that have my name associated with them. The rest is up to him. If they cut his water, electricity, gas, etc off, well then so be it. Not going to be my problem. Ugh.....I'm so upset right now. Can't wait to hear what a friend of mine has to say tomorrow about filing for divorce and getting fees either waived or reduced. Maybe if I get the ball rolling that way then he will take me more seriously and get his shit together. But, then again, do I want him anymore? I just don't know. Another emotional rollercoaster I guess.

SBB posted 5/28/2013 16:19 PM

Hope paralysed me too - much to my detriment as it turns out.

Whilst I was busy being hurt and confused he was getting all of his ducks in a row.

I have found that the fear itself is worse than that what it is that I feared.

Do not believe for one second that this EA OW was the first or that none of them have been PA. At the very least he's desperately looking for a PA and it is merely circumstance that has stopped it if indeed there hasn't been a PA.

He is not remorseful - he does not want R. You'll only be in limbo for as long as you allow it. Don't stay there too long friend, it is crazy making.

I still miss my dead husband even though I know he never really existed. I read here once that you can still love someone yet understand that you cannot be married to them.


tabitha95 posted 5/28/2013 16:35 PM

He is so much better at the 180 then I am.

I don't think he's doing the 180. I think he's punishing you by withdrawing his love. That isn't the purpose of the 180. It is intended for healing. Doing healthy things away from each other, to find out who you are as an individual. Not drinking away the anger and hurt.

He isn't repairing himself, he will never be a "safe" partner if he doesn't do the work. Work on you, that's the purpose of the 180.

Separation and divorce is scary.

I always ask this question, because it was a big factor for my final decision.

How do you see your future? I stopped seeing a future with XH. The future I saw was so sad and depressing, I just stop seeing anything happy coming out of staying with him.

Vulcanized posted 5/28/2013 16:51 PM


It's hard to really accept that this is who you married. I think we (BS) project our good intentions on WS and give them more credit than they deserve. Which makes detaching that much harder, imo.

I read here once that you can still love someone yet understand that you cannot be married to them.

Absolutely. Married/friends/in physical proximity/etc.

Hang in there.

tabitha95 posted 5/28/2013 17:02 PM

I think we (BS) project our good intentions on WS

Totally agree! We also get ideal of what marriage, childhood, etc.. should be and try to pretend that we have this or that eventually our partner will provide it.

Ashland13 posted 5/28/2013 20:32 PM

What happened for me was that as long as I didn't do any legal things or talk to any legal people, I could pretend there was a chance Perv would come back and the M would go on. I though that I could hold back fate and perhaps time, by doing nothing legally oriented. However, what I was doing was pitting myself in a corner and pining for something that no longer existed in reality, only in my own foggy mind.

I was in such a state of confusion that I held back many things: my own healing, abilities to move forward and chance to earn self-respect and dignity back.

I considered myself in this state of purgatory at the phase stilltrying is in and it was like moving Mt. Everest to get myself to admit and then take action.

No one could convince me, and certainly many people tried. It was the lies and sense of security he stole that finally did it, and not wanting to be snuck up on by a sheriff in the woods or at a school event or home was one way I could take a first step at getting any control back.

I think we all get to a certain level or threshold...just one more lie, just one more altercation...just one more puzzle piece and we realize that we cannot turn back, the issues are far too many to R.

Money is a major, major issue for me as well, so I can really relate there.

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