He is so much better at the 180 then I am. I tried calling him yesterday to discuss our youngest daughter, finances and the bills that need to be paid and child support but he let my call go to voice mail. I can tell by the bank statement and cell phone bill that he was out getting drunk, again. This is how he deals with things; he drinks them away. I know he's pissed at me because of contacting the OW who then broke their friendship off but he's acting childish by not talking to me about the 3 things we agreed to talk about.
Sorry, just a venting here. I know what I need to do, I just don't want to. Money is such a huge issue for me and that too stops me from doing anything because I can't afford anything!
[This message edited by stilltrying2025 at 8:21 AM, May 27th (Monday)]
Because you have kids with him.
Because your perfectly good (enough, to you, at the time) life you worked hard to build with him for your entire family got nuked. Naturally, with so much invested, you would like to have it back if possible.
Because you haven't yet fully processed the full disgusting horror of the kind of person he really and truly is, and desparately wish you are mistaken about what you have seen.
Because you're lost and scared and alone, and are accustomed to going to him for support (or at least attempting in vain to do so)
Any of that ring a bell?
Missing a scumbag you're better off without is perfectly natural, and not at all a sign of being broken or weak or a drama llama. It happens to the best of us.
Whilst I was busy being hurt and confused he was getting all of his ducks in a row.
I have found that the fear itself is worse than that what it is that I feared.
Do not believe for one second that this EA OW was the first or that none of them have been PA. At the very least he's desperately looking for a PA and it is merely circumstance that has stopped it if indeed there hasn't been a PA.
He is not remorseful - he does not want R. You'll only be in limbo for as long as you allow it. Don't stay there too long friend, it is crazy making.
I still miss my dead husband even though I know he never really existed. I read here once that you can still love someone yet understand that you cannot be married to them.
He is so much better at the 180 then I am.
I don't think he's doing the 180. I think he's punishing you by withdrawing his love. That isn't the purpose of the 180. It is intended for healing. Doing healthy things away from each other, to find out who you are as an individual. Not drinking away the anger and hurt.
He isn't repairing himself, he will never be a "safe" partner if he doesn't do the work. Work on you, that's the purpose of the 180.
Separation and divorce is scary.
I always ask this question, because it was a big factor for my final decision.
How do you see your future? I stopped seeing a future with XH. The future I saw was so sad and depressing, I just stop seeing anything happy coming out of staying with him.
It's hard to really accept that this is who you married. I think we (BS) project our good intentions on WS and give them more credit than they deserve. Which makes detaching that much harder, imo.
I read here once that you can still love someone yet understand that you cannot be married to them.
Absolutely. Married/friends/in physical proximity/etc.
Hang in there.
I think we (BS) project our good intentions on WS
Totally agree! We also get ideal of what marriage, childhood, etc.. should be and try to pretend that we have this or that eventually our partner will provide it.
I was in such a state of confusion that I held back many things: my own healing, abilities to move forward and chance to earn self-respect and dignity back.
I considered myself in this state of purgatory at the phase stilltrying is in and it was like moving Mt. Everest to get myself to admit and then take action.
No one could convince me, and certainly many people tried. It was the lies and sense of security he stole that finally did it, and not wanting to be snuck up on by a sheriff in the woods or at a school event or home alone...it was one way I could take a first step at getting any control back.
I think we all get to a certain level or threshold...just one more lie, just one more altercation...just one more puzzle piece and we realize that we cannot turn back, the issues are far too many to R.
Money is a major, major issue for me as well, so I can really relate there.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.