SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Sam793 posted 5/27/2013 10:10 AM

What I would give to get trust back from my BW. Any sort of trust. Way too much TT at the beginning coupled with the years of lying caused this. It affects every day life. Non A issues. It creates triggers. It can turn an up into a down. Nothing is ever worth this. It's hard trying to speak to my BW when she doesn't believe anything you say. You know it's falling on deaf ears but you keep on trying. Only you know it's the truth and you one day hope that she will accept it. I promised I would never give up and I plan to stick to it. I need to do this for my BW.

hardlessons posted 5/27/2013 13:18 PM

sam, so what are you actually doing to learn, grow etc. Because your open letters to BW and posts like this do absolutely nothing for you other than get BS's coming in and posting how wonderful your post is, then you disappear after your addiction has been fed. Then you come back with a "Oh I am gonna keep trying no matter what regardless of what my BW does or how much she doesn't trust me."

Maybe if you turn your compliance and quest for validation into real change she would start to trust you again.

knightsbff posted 5/27/2013 14:04 PM

I feel I am slowly building trust with my BH.

I think trust building is coming from consistent actions over time. Putting my marriage first in ways that are apparent to my BH.

Sharing my thoughts and feelings both good and bad. Ceasing hiding things that I fear he won't like, but instead confessing as soon as possible if I feel I have blown it somehow and verbalizing a plan for how I will handle the thing better the next time. Following through.

Sam793 posted 5/27/2013 14:46 PM

What I have discovered is not everything is about me. It used to be. I write what I feel. I'm terrible at verbal communication I write to an audience of one. My BS. I check the replies inconsistently. I may or may not reply right away or at all. Sure it's nice to get positive replies but I also expect negative ones too. So how am I trying to gain trust? By being myself. That's why I post the things I do. It's what's in my head. By being consistent, it shows I'm not who I used to be. The only addiction I have now is my wife and children. If I receive not one comment to my posts my feelings don't change.

Neithan posted 5/27/2013 17:16 PM

If my WW continues to show me by her actions that's she's trustworthy, after 10 years I expect my trust in her will be 90% of what it was before D-day. After 20 years, 95%.

It will take both words and actions. Words without actions are wind. Actions without words are like journeying without a map.

But my trust will never be what it once was. And that's okay, I suspect. Too much trust placed on another person is a burden in its own way.

hardlessons posted 5/27/2013 17:24 PM

I write what I feel. I'm terrible at verbal communication I write to an audience of one. My BS.

Exactly what I am talking about, you come on here and talk to your BS. Why? This isn't a forum to make declarative statements to your wife IMO. We are here to get healthy, figure our shit out for us, ourselves as that is the only time real change happens.

Are these posts for your wife so she will have some form of proof that your changing? Others have tried this and you will get the kudo's from some but at the end of the day you are no farther along then when you started. So, are you in IC? What have you read? What boundaries do you have in place?

noescape posted 5/27/2013 17:37 PM

Sam, what HL said.

Too many times WW has commented on forums and written or said things which do not stand the test of time. Consistent actions AND words would go some way in restoring trust after over 10 years of lies and 3 years of TT. Nothing matters more than following up your words and actions with MORE words and actions.

I'd need to see her doing stuff independently of whatever is going on and see her actively tackling her issues of CA, selfishness and inconsistency. It doesn't matter to me how she feels about her effort, what's important is to see her trying to be unbroken and replacing her broken coping skills with healthy ones.

AND what ks said; admitting failures and volunteering information with a clear unfoggy approach as to the whys and a plan of action.

The key terms being cocnsistency and accountability. Just saying you're committed and excusing stuff by saying 'I'm no good at this or that' (cue non verbal communication) is going to lead to further suspicion not trust.

Just my 2 cents from where your BS may be, you can choose to ignore if its irrelevant.