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Feeling like a bad person

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ninebark posted 5/27/2013 12:26 PM

I am having a bad time right now in one aspect of my life. I have met a great guy we have been dating for well over a year adn things have been good.

But suddenly the thought of him moving in and making it permanent makes me almost break out in a rash. I realized I don't want anyone moving in, I like my freedom. I realize he is looking torward a life together where I am happy with how things are. It makes me feel bad as I don't want to string him along but I dont' really want to break up or anyting.

My son loves him adn thinks the world of him which makes this so much worse. I almost feel like I should have spent more time dating but then another part of me says that I probably wont' find someone who treats me as well as he does.

So much back and forth is making my head spin. I wish I know what I wanted. :(

Jrazz posted 5/27/2013 12:38 PM

This doesn't make you a bad person!!!

Relationships are not easy on a good day. You are just trying to be true to yourself. It sounds like you are taking his feelings into consideration while trying to balance your own.


nutmegkitty posted 5/27/2013 12:47 PM

Why does he have to move in? Is he pressuring you to move in?

I think it's ok to want/need some space, even if you are part of an exclusive couple.

FaithFool posted 5/27/2013 12:50 PM

It's possible to have a loving committed relationship without sharing space. Lots of folks do it.

You just have to be on the same page from the first date.

You need to talk to him about what he envisions for the future.

Don't let anyone pressure you into something you don't want.

ninebark posted 5/27/2013 13:02 PM

What makes it bad to me is that he is such a good guy and he has not pressured me once. But he has made it clear that he is in it for the long haul.

He went back to school and is just finishing up year one of two, so discussions about him moving in are definately off the table for a year. But I am not sure if after that year I will be ready to share myself that closely with someone again. I am not even sure if it is fair to keep seeing him knowing that. Ugh. Relationships can be hard. Perhaps ina year I will feel different.

Sad in AZ posted 5/27/2013 13:14 PM

I saw your post in D/S; you're just now getting divorced after a 2-year S. No wonder you're having these thoughts. You're only now ending one large part of your life; of course you're not ready to start another.

Cut yourself some slack. You admit that this will not happen for at least another year. Stop putting the cart before the horse.

FaithFool posted 5/27/2013 13:14 PM

Personally I know I'll never want that again.

You need to be clear with him that you might not change your mind.

If he's not OK with that now, then a year from now it could be more complicated...

I would have the talk....

wildbananas posted 5/27/2013 23:31 PM

I agree... talk to your SO about your timeline. And please, please don't let him move in before you're 110% ready. I did that and long story short, it was two of the worst years of my life.

Follow your gut. Always.

persevere posted 5/27/2013 23:48 PM

I agree with talking with him now. And I think it's important that you are able to recognize the realistic possiblities of the future before you get there. It's insightful and impressive, and says a lot about who you are (in a very GOOD way).

You are NOT a bad person, you are an honest person - BIG difference - and it can make all the difference down the line.((Hugs))

tabitha95 posted 5/28/2013 00:34 AM

Someone had me ask myself this question when I was going through something similar.

"Are you not ready to commit, or are you not ready to commit to this person."

I dug deep and realized I wasn't ready to commit to that person. We had too many differences and didn't see important things (at least important to me) the same way. Our intimacy was through the roof, but our life decisions/goals were not compatible. I felt myself falling back into the co-dependent role that I had in my marriage. I can't keep taking care of people.

Maybe you know that there is an incompatibility with this guy. Maybe not. At least something to ponder.

Kajem posted 5/28/2013 01:16 AM

I found myself in a similar situation and the relationship lasted 8 years.

If I asked myself Tabitha's question I would have ended the relationship 2 years earlier than he did with an exit affair. I couldn't commit to that person.

I need to commit to me first.

damncutekitty posted 5/28/2013 18:59 PM

Moving in together is a huge step, and it WILL change your relationship. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are ready.

I moved in with my SO recently. I thought I was ready, but it turns out I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

If your gut is telling you not to then you need to listen.

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