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User Topic: Why I’ve been gone for a week.
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There’s a saying that you make plans, and the gods laugh. That certainly was true for me this last week. Either settle in with a cup of coffee or skip to the end. This is another roller coaster ride that I didn’t need to be on.

One of the things that our MC suggested was that my FWH needed to make more male friends. A concept that I agreed and still agree with. So with much pre-discussion about me needing him to send me photos a couple of times during the night, how late, giving me a call, etc., last fall he went out with a (married) buddy, T, for dinner, a couple of drinks, and conversation. He failed. Spectacularly. He sent me nothing. He didn’t call. He stayed out until after 1am. I could not get in touch with him via phone. I booted him out of our bedroom by a note hammered onto the door and spent the night crying in my bed. The next morning he said that his phone had run out of charge and he just “didn’t think” to borrow the phone from T to check in with me. His tracker verified that he was in the area he should have been, however his inability to follow through set me back a very long way.

So, this leads up to Friday, the 17th. We had discussed him going out with T again. Same scenario. Figured that it was time to trust him with having a night out with his friend. And I do want to encourage him having more male friends. So off he went, straight from work, so I said goodbye to him at 8am Friday the 17th, and didn’t see him after work.

Stayed up until 10pm Friday night, no communication. Went to sleep until midnight and woke up, no communication. Phone was by my bed. At 12:15 I took a screen shot of the clock in my room and sent it to him as a hint. Nothing. I called at 1 am, no answer. I called at 2 am, no answer. I sent a text at 2:30 saying call me immediately or be prepared for all hell to break loose. No answer. Tracker says that he is around the area that he is supposed to be. At 2:45, I throw on clothing, get in my truck, and drive to where they are supposed to be. Of course all is closed up for the night, the tracker says that he is somewhere in an industrial area, and I cannot find him. I pull over and call and say, I’m in NAMEOFTOWN looking for you, where the hell are you? No answer. I finally give up, drive back home, and at 3:30 am text him, I hope the whore was worth losing your marriage over. If I had T’s phone number, I would have called, but all I had was an email address. I open his closet to get ready to hefty bag his shit to the curb, and then the fear REALLY hits. I started to get a list of hospitals in the area, and a wild thought hits. I google “How to find an inmate in NAMEOFTOWN.” And there he is. FWH, jail, DUI.

1 year – 13 days ago, I hit the ground, screaming and sobbing in pain. Feeling like my world had just imploded during DDay. 9 days ago, exactly 1 year and 7 days since he had fucked another woman, I fell to the floor, screaming and crying. In utter disbelief. That he could hurt me badly again. That because he could not be bothered to do One Fucking Thing that I asked for, for that night, he was in jail. That because he could not give me One Fucking Call so I could come and pick him up, he was in jail. That after almost one year of healing from his ONS, we were facing legal consequences that would last for a minimum of 3 years. And at this time, I had no idea if he was hurt, if the car was totaled, if some other family was sitting a death-watch over someone that he had hurt. My world came apart again.

I pulled myself together, called a bail bond company, arranged for bail for him when he was eligible. They said maybe about 10 am Saturday morning. I called the PD that had caught him to ask where the car was and luckily, it was not towed and they gave me the cross streets where it had been left. And then I sat up for the rest of the night, crying softly, staring at the computer screen with his name on it or wandering aimlessly around and around the house.

I didn’t get him out until and home until 11 pm Saturday night. During that very long day, I had a contractor friend in my house all day long working on my bathroom. Luckily his wife was a lawyer and she gave me a referral for a good DUI lawyer. I had to take public transportation to where his car was and found, thankfully, not a scratch on it and it legally parked in a parking lot. I finally got a call from him at 9 am, where he told me that he was in the drunk tank. I then informed him that bail was setup for him and all he had to do was to finish processing so they could come bail him out, I had the car, and I had found out where he was by going online to the inmate’s website. We had to cut the call short others were waiting. He took my phone call to mean that he didn’t have to do anything, so when the cops asked for anyone who was going to try to make bail to step forward, he didn’t, thus putting himself into the “go to jail” group, which is WHY it took so long for him to get out. When he finally figured that out, they had miss-placed his paperwork, had to re-find it, and then finish processing. Meanwhile, I was sitting at the computer for about 90% of that time, refreshing the screen every 30 minutes when they updated status so I could see when he was bail-eligible, and alternatively cursing him, crying, and trying to hide my emotions from the contractor friend. I made a “buddy” of one of the jail operators and she finally called booking up for me, to see if she could push them along. An hour after that, he was finally booked, then bailed out. I picked him up, we talked a bit, then went to bed. Got up early the next morning to talk again, because we had to pick up my mother from the airport at 11am, who was coming in to stay a week with us.

Last week was a blur. We told Mom what was happening Sunday afternoon because there was no way we could pretend for a week. I had several intense conversations with her. We had a couple of whispered shouting matches in our bedroom where I expressed very clearly my unhappiness. He tried to withdraw emotionally, and we had more heated discussions about that. We saw the lawyer and were reassured that he would take care of the important stuff and found out what our lives were going to look like for the next year. Two years, five years. We made up and started leaning on each other again and expressing our feelings. And now, today, alone at last, we’ll be taking a mental day off before the realities of next week hit, with him having to register for a mandated class, I have to research new car insurance, etc.

Is there a point to this post? I don’t really know. The first 2-3 days were bad. God-awful bad. I was triggering wildly, he was withdrawing, but we did keep talking. We did keep going back until we could become more rational. We kept reaching out for each other and yes, we have a lot more to talk about, and a lot more that’s going to batter at us because we’re only beginning this journey. But at the end of the day, we’re still holding each other and still loving each other. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10067 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 33338
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dang, Skan. Just (((Skan)))
I don't know what else to say.

Be good to yourself.

Me, 50. (How did THAT happen??)
Him, 42 (JMSSC)
married 20 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3980 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's absolutely the point.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ 33559
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hits just keep coming, don't they?


BW--Me, 59
FWH--Him, 61
Married 37 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 647 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 50805 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I'm so sorry you have gone through all of that. I think there are a few things of note. 1. he obviously isn't "there" yet. He has no "shuf off" mechanism in place. Therefore, obviously, no going out for him. Maybe at all. Or no drinking. Or something. 2. Don't research the car insurance for him. He should do all of the clean up work for this on his own. 3. You guys are getting through it as a team, which is what healthy couples do. Support him, but ensure you are playin best supporting spouse, don't try to take the lead role.

And be good to you. Hang in there!

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rebreather. On June 1, we are both committing to one year of no drinking at all. Hopefully, when we get to court, this means that he will not be directed to go to AA meetings for the next year. Also, obviously, we both can use the break. My intention is to get fit again and drop some weight. We've already had THE discussion. His ability to go out with anyone alone has been forfitted. He can go to lunch with his work mates, but that's it. We go as a couple or he doesn't go at all.

As to the car insurance, I am the person who is best suited to do that. He is ADHD. Some things he is great at, this is not one of them. I need to do a multi-prong search, everything from just converting our policy to a specialty one, which would cost amazing amounts of money, to splitting him completely off of my policy, him having his own, and him only getting to drive the 23 year old truck. Obviously we will jointly make the decision, but he would think to look at all of the options, this impacts me money-wise, and as I work part time, I have the time to do it. As I am not willing to trust him to go out by himself anymore, I am not willing to take a chance with car insurance that will impact me, and if done incorrectly and if we have an accident, might cost us our house in settlements.

So yeah. I am driving part of this mess, but it's because it directly impacts me. And for some reason, my trust level is a tad low .... But it's up to him to do the work and get himself everywhere he needs to be other than work. Because that impacts me too. If he worked downtown where he had the possibility of commuting via public transportation, I wouldn't be driving him anywhere that I didn't normally go when the suspension hits.

Gods below. What freaking next? I told him on the drive back from jail that I didn't know how much more I could take. We were getting in such a good place and I was healing, and now this. OTOH the recovery from the panic/triggers went a lot faster. I hope that means something.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10067 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 39197
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How far over the legal limit was he?

My first thought was that I would have made someone else go and bail him out, but that's me being petty, I suppose.

I'm so sorry. He has put you both in a mess. A friend of mine got a DUI (barely over the limit) and it cost her $10k in lawyer fees. It was her first offense, and luckily she was able to keep her license albeit restricted to home, day care and work.

Good luck and I'm sorry.

Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 24938
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you hoping that your FWH is not ordered to go to AA meetings?

My FWH is a recovering alcoholic-sober for over 6 yrs now since right after d-day.

He went to AA right after d-day and I credit those meetings as well as his IC in helping him completely turn his life around.

The reason that I reconciled after finding out about a LTA was all of the hard work that he was doing to change and become a better person.

The AA meetings are not just about staying sober.

They discuss what it takes to be an honest, spiritual, unselfish person-all things that a WS needs to work on.

I'm sorry that your FWH got the DUI but maybe this happened for a reason?

Maybe there are still things that he needs to learn about himself, his marriage etc. and this could be a wake up call?

Just another perspective.

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3174 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask why you'd feel this way?
Hopefully, when we get to court, this means that he will not be directed to go to AA meetings for the next year

A DUI is a very serious ticket, and I'd think your WH NEEDs help with his drinking problem - I'd personal insist that he get help!!

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6216 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: PA
♀ 27090
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


What a hideous week. It sounds like he has a lot of work to do on himself still.
I'm concerned that he "didn't think to" borrow his friend's phone to text you on that first night. It shows a huge lack of consideration for your feelings still.

I agree with the others, I think AA might be a good place for him. My H has got a lot out of SA meetings.

FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just big hugs (((()))

Don't forget to take care of you in all of this.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

Posts: 7444 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Inside my head
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for what you're going through. My fWH lost his licence before I met him (after 3 DUIs) and it took many years to get it back. I hope your WS "gets it" after this. Committing to not drinking is a good start. I hope that's all it takes. If not, AA has the best proven success rate and like a PP said, it's a lifestyle change for those who embrace it.

BW, R last 4 years of marriage out of 15... FINALLY, HAPPILY DIVORCING!

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Skan)) So sorry you are dealing with this...

I also think your husband might need to shelve going out with the guys right now.

Why rush it? Hugs!

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 2038 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry Skan.

Proud mom to a lovely young lady and a sweet little boy.

Posts: 8444 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Southeast US
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to re-iterate, he is not going out with anyone other than his work mates for lunch unless I am there. That's no longer negotiatable.

I am re-thinking what y-all are saying about AA. My main objection, I now see, was reflexive. More time away from me, another class to go to, etc. But upon thinking about it, I certainly won't fuss about it if it's mandated. If I can find an al-anon meeting at the same time, I might go as well.

He's obviously starting to process. Last night we were talking and I mentioned that I was grateful for this last day (monday) as the calm before the storm of this week. We went over what we had to do for the week and in what order. Then he made a comment that he was thinking that he'd be driving the 23 year old truck for the next year. I said that the insurance premium would be three years, to the best of my understanding. Without a beat, he said well, guess I'll be driving that for three years then. So he's already thinking about the fact that we're likely to be only insuring him in the cheapest car.

And thank God for connected friends. The DUI lawyer that my Estate lawer friend recommended me to is a flat fee of $1K. As FWH was right dead in the middle of the range of his test, no priors for anything, the lawyer was pretty much able to tell us exactly what to expect. Pretty much, unless the PD completely loses the paperwork, we know pretty much the overall view of what the next couple of months look like. Still have a big discussion coming up once we get the trial date and I get the insurance information, but at least we're both thinking ahead and have come out of the initial shock.

Plans. They're what falls apart when life happens.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10067 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are going through this Skan. Has your WH owned how incredibly selfish every single one of his actions were that night? He didn't think of you enough to check in, knowing that this would likely be a trigger for you given the last time he went out with this friend. Then, he didn't think of the ramifications of driving drunk.

I'm not trying to twist the knife here, but I know in our case, this kind of selfish mindset was a precursor to the affair. Just wants to make sure that he sees that this isn't just about losing some privileges, but that it was a pretty major lapse. People make mistakes, just want to be sure he is learning from it.

It sounds like the two of you have come such a long way and are communicating and working together very well, just want to be sure he is fully owning this.

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 466 | Registered: Dec 2012
Getting to Happy
♀ 35200
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh My! This has been a very trying week. I am so sorry!!!

Just another trial for the two of you to face together. Hang in there.

You have been getting great advice so I will just send some hugs to the two of you.

(((((Skan and Hubbie)))))

Good thing for him that your gentle soul can stand up to so much adversity!

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting to Happy, thanks. I have to admit, however, that I snurfled up veggie dip when I read gentle soul. I don't think that anyone would have called me a gentle soul while my head was revolving at 1000 rpm, my face was flushed red, and a satanic voice was hissing out between my fangs when I had my very muted screaming phase at him night #2. Linda Blair had NOTHING on me!

Guess sense of humor has come back. Good thing it was either that came back ASAP or I buried his body in a tidal pool for the crabs to pick at. Oy!

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10067 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 19

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