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How can i stop being combative?

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idkam posted 5/27/2013 13:41 PM

My SO says i'm always so combative with him... I guess i am sometimes but i looked at it as defensive not combative...

How do i change this behavior?

somanyyears posted 5/27/2013 14:10 PM


..it is a normal and natural reaction to being hurt.. we go into defensive mode.. self-protection.

..have you both talked about your need to 'self-protect' ?

..as Dr. Phil says, "howz that working for you?"

When your strategy/reaction becomes a constant negative in your relationship, it becomes self-evident that you need to try something different, something better..to try to change the outcome..

..why not try an 'experiment' and take a totally different approach to the problem..

..i've heard that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar..if you get my drift!

..it's worth a shot anyway, if you're willing to embrace a new approach.

..hope you can reach a place of peace and love thru positive actions..

You may even surprise yourself!

smy

Sad in AZ posted 5/27/2013 14:18 PM

Are you this way with everyone or do you just feel the need to be so vehemently defensive with your SO?

Are you arguing about the same/similar things all the time or does it happen with any argument?

I'm saying you should try to determine if it's situational or if it's your personality.

idkam posted 5/28/2013 11:52 AM

Thanks for your posts SMY & SAD..

Example- On saturday we were out and about and said " this class must be pretty easy since you are hanging out, u are usually on the computer at this time" i said in a curt tone ( im saying curt but he used the word combative) no the reason im hanging out is bc i dont have to write a paper.. I finished my portion of the assignment on Wed and turned it into the team lead...... So i dont have anything to do......i guess my tone made it seem like i was combative.... When he ask me about school or homework it feels like a father asking his daughter dif you do ur homework?? I dont need anyone checking up on me and my schooling comes first and i dont let anything interfere with it, BUT when he makes comments like "shouldnt u be online now? Or why arent you online" or why are you watching TV?? It drives me batty... Hes gotten a lot better about it bc i told him hes not my dad so please stop talking to me like im a irresponsible child... Remember hes 11 yrs older than me but he forget sometimes that i was in going to college when we met....

By the way Ive never missed an assignment or late on any assignment in the last 4 yrs so im not sure why he's so concerned...

idkam posted 5/28/2013 11:57 AM

@SAD nope im not like this with everyone unless i feel like i'm being attacked and i have to use my coping mechanism ( defensive)...

We talked yesterday and i tried to explain to him how it makes me feel when he asks questions like that... I also told him i'll work on it....

I believe it stems from me getting irritated and inpatient...

Amazonia posted 5/28/2013 11:59 AM

is he concerned, or taking an interest in your life?

GabyBaby posted 5/28/2013 12:03 PM

I think part of it is in how you read into what he's saying (or not saying).

Using the Saturday thing as an example, you read it as him "checking on your homework status".
It could also be taken as, "Cool! We get to hang out today when normally you're on the computer".

I wonder too if his comment is a comment that he wants more of your time.

idkam posted 5/28/2013 12:14 PM

@Ama not sure why he'd be concerned... Taking an interest maybe it though...

@Gaby i think you are right, it is how im reading into what he is saying....And yes he cant wait until i graduate so we can spend more time together, hell neither can i.. Aug 26th is my last class YAY!

In my mind we spend alot of time togeher bc we live together... We dont do a whole lot on the wkends hes not getting a haircut...i do the bulk of my homewk on the wkends so im usually online....depending on my assignment it could be 2-6 hours....

Amazonia posted 5/28/2013 12:43 PM

i told him hes not my dad so please stop talking to me like im a irresponsible child...

im not sure why he's so concerned...

@Ama not sure why he'd be concerned... Taking an interest maybe it though...

Why do you choose to label his comments as him being "concerned" or acting like "my dad"? Is there a tone he uses? Is it the types of questions he asks? What makes you think he is lecturing you when he inquires about your schoolwork?

I ask, because it seems like you two have a massive breakdown in communication somewhere. His tone (or something) seems to offend you, and you in turn respond in a way that offends him.

Getting to the bottom of why his asking these questions bothers you, and communicating that to him clearly, might help ease the issues all around.

idkam posted 5/28/2013 13:02 PM

@Ama yes in the past it was his tone... But now i guess i get irritsted when he ask me about my school work....some times after im finished with my posting i'd go into the living room and say something like ' im finished with blah blah now i can relax' but if i dont say anything he'd ask " are you finished with your work already" other times he doesnt say anything...

I will calm down and not allow it to get to me so much....

Thanks for your posts.... For now i'll set it on the back burner...
'

Amazonia posted 5/28/2013 13:53 PM

While I do think calming down is probably smart (in general, all of us, in life ) I would encourage you to talk to your SO about this. Communication! It makes relationships function.

idkam posted 5/28/2013 16:50 PM

Ama we talked yesterday and i told him i would work on not being combative and defensiveness...

We will see how it goes.... If he treated me the way i treat (at times) him my feelings would be very hurt...

Amazonia posted 5/28/2013 18:32 PM

Am I misunderstanding or aren't you already hurt by him? Hopefully you talked about his tone too and the efforts go both ways.

Sad in AZ posted 5/29/2013 10:29 AM

Sorry; I'm in an area where internet is spotty.

Take this with a grain of salt because I don't know you personally, but between this post and the post about your step sister's FB, you do seem to have anger issues--and you do see yourself as being combative and using defensive language as a coping mechanism. I'm also reading that you capitulated to your SO rather quickly, promising to reform; if you didn't think you were wrong, this would worry me, as it might appear that you are reacting to him as an authority (read-father) figure.

Perhaps you should seek some help with this? My DS saw this in himself years ago (age 19-he's 28 now) and saw a therapist for a few years to work on his anger issues. The thing is I never saw him as an 'angry' person, but he felt he had issues and he addressed them.

Like I said, I'm just addressing what I can see in print.

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