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Things that Felt "Off"

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Elaine2012 posted 5/27/2013 16:32 PM

Over the years there were times that I wondered if WH was having an affair. There was never any proof my gut just felt off. I know I will never ever know. I saw a post can't find it now but it triggered some memories. I decided that I would journal those things that pinged for me.

A yellow dress shirt and tie he got from a woman coworker for a Christmas gift exchange. He returned it to get the correct size then wore it every Sunday for years even though I bought him a nice white shirt. It was the same shirt he wore to court.

A really nice watch he "bought" from a coworker even though he doesn't wear a watch and it had the kind of band that pulled the hairs on his arm.

Earrings he bought for GD1 that were big hoops and not age approiate for a 6 year old. He purchased these while we were together and he carried the small bag with him. He didn't say anything but I saw he had the bag. Since it was close to my birthday I thought it might be a gift for me. When we got home he casually mentioned he got some earring for GD1. I was shocked at what they looked like.

A work trip he took to Flordia he never traveled much for work. He made a big deal of sending me his itinerary to show his schedule and that his work had purchased his ticket. Since Dday I've wondered if he in fact OW with him. He called and told me some crazy story about having to travel around all evening because they had a hotel so far from the convention center.

Just before I went on my "surprise" birthday trip in 2012 he purchased new clothes and got some boxers which he hadn't worn in years. I remember thinking that was different. When I was gone he traveled out of town and met up with the OW.

Another time I was out of town on a trip I came home and saw his underware that he only wore on "special" occasions on the floor. It felt off and when I asked him about why he had been wearing them he said he ran out of laundry and they were the only ones clean. I remember asking him what he would think if he found my lingerie was laying on the floor after he had been out of town. I can't remember what he said I think something like he might have wondered about it.

A graduation party for his niece several hours away. We were going for a long weekend. At the last minute he couldn't go because he was loaning our BBQ to a group and had to deliver it and pick it up. He did come and stayed over night then got up and left first thing in the morning.

Of course, I'll never get the truth I will just be left with wondering. At this point I don't really put much energy into it. I just wanted to write it down to get it out of my head!

[This message edited by Elaine2012 at 4:52 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

Nature_Girl posted 5/27/2013 18:05 PM

Sometimes he would insist on handwashing a regular pair of underwear, pants or workshirt. In the tub. Would NOT let me wash them, would get indigantly angry with me when I'd offer. I never understood why in the world he would bother washing these random items when we had a perfectly functioning washer & dryer and I regularly did the laundry. Of course now I know why.

Went on a business trip with co-workers to Reno. Got fired as soon as he came back. He said it was because the guys wanted to go to a strip club but he refused on moral grounds. This was embarassing to the guys, so he got fired.

SBB posted 5/27/2013 18:17 PM

I went through a phase of this too. Even today little things pop into my head that make it all seem so obvious now. It pisses me off for a bit then I brush it off.

I don't need him to verify anymore. He never will. What I do know is enough, more than enough.

Its hard to imagine how someone could deceive someone so much and for so long. Or why. DD and False R were the final pushes I needed to make changes that were a long time coming.

I cannot tell you how good it is to not worry about where he has gone emotionally anymore. I wasted 5 long years searching for him.

Sad in AZ posted 5/27/2013 18:43 PM

It's crazy-making, isn't it? Things still pop into my head more that 3 years after I left him (and almost 5 years after d-day.) I don't react to them anymore, other than thinking, "Oh, yeah. Right."

It takes time--simple time. Process in any way you can.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 6:44 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

Take2 posted 5/27/2013 18:44 PM

btdt. The weirdest flashback (if you will) for me was a conversation we had when my DD became pregnant out of wedlock.
He was being a real prick, not talking to her. I cornered him one night, my intent was to drive home the point that she had never considered an Abortion (which he would have strongly opposed due to several in his past).

I got up real close and stopped him as he was headed out the door. "Let me ask you something," I said, "how many kids do you have?"

The weirdest look crossed his face - and he hesitantly answered "2...?". I went forward to make my point... and he seemed to get it. Never really thought about it again until...

Maybe a year after Dday I got a flash to that moment - that expression - it wasn't confusion - it was more of a "shit - she knows look" It flashed right in front of me, and his tone was exactly that when he tried to deny the A.

There are dozens of oddities that have fallen into place the way you describe. Now, I trust my gut.... and I presume there is an OC out there somewhere... or at least that there might be.

Weird. Weird the way the mind stores those random fragments that just don't fit with the puzzle.

phmh posted 5/27/2013 18:56 PM

I'm pretty sure XWH only had one affair and he confessed two weeks after it started. Of course I could be wrong, but my things that felt off are more about why he was never a good partner for me. Red flags I should have seen earlier, like:

1. Having no friends. We got married at the courthouse with only immediate family there because he said he had no one who could stand up for him, and his side of the hall would be empty (I have tons of friends and a big family.)

2. Mean-spirited joking. He said so many mean things to me and when I would call him on it, he brushed it off as a joke. I later recognized this as a form of emotional abuse -- it gives him free reign to say anything he wants and if I complain, then I have a bad sense of humor.

3. Having a place where he was going to hide my body, telling me where it was, and then getting mad at me when I told others about where it was because he'd have to find another, secret, place (thinking it was all a joke -- I'm pretty sure it wasn't.)

4. The rages he would occasionally go into, that were provoked by almost nothing. Several times I feared for my life in road rage incidents and I thought he might get into a physical fight when he'd confront someone for, say, not holding the door for him when XWH was leaving a store.

5. The fact that he didn't have any interests of his own and would instead take on my interests. He was also frequently bored.

6. He put me down all of the time, claiming that my food tasted terrible, even when I knew it was good, or telling me what a slow runner I was, even when I'd win an award (he also wouldn't let me stay to pick up the award.) And then I'd have to praise him for his "accomplishments" -- like drinking a glass of water without coming up for air, or how fast he could move his feet while dancing.

I could go on and on... Looking back, I can't believe what I put up with! Sometimes I wonder how I got out with any self-respect at all. Had he been given enough time, I'm pretty sure he could have broken me completely. :(

caregiver9000 posted 5/27/2013 19:27 PM

Oh, boy do I "get" this!!

I remember so many times that I felt this, and wondered but felt so foolish and insecure for my thoughts!

yeah, wish I trusted myself then instead of him.

It doesn't matter now, except to reinforce listening to the gut.

Phoenix1 posted 5/27/2013 19:56 PM

BTDT so I totally get it. One of the biggest for me was 17 years ago when I was pregnant with DD#3. He was having chest pain off and on. He blew it off, but I was concerned. When I was five months pregnant he had a really bad episode and asked me to call 911. I did, and they transported him to the ER. They kept him over night, and I stayed by his side. It ended up being severe digestive issues. Fast forward to 2009 and I found out he had whore #1 pregnant at the same time. No wonder the bastard was having chest pains! I wish he had expired right then and there...

Kajem posted 5/28/2013 01:25 AM

It is amazing, even 10 years divorced.. the 'AHAs" still come. Now I just acknowledge them as my truth and keep going. I don't wonder..

I feel like I knew back then, just couldn't face it. And now that random piece to the jigsaw puzzle really doesn't make a difference - I already know what the picture looks like,


Ashland13 posted 5/28/2013 08:48 AM

The distance he put between us.

Starting to force being away from home more and more.

Starting to get "busier" at work and then working into not being found if I called during the day. Escalated to "I have to stay longer" at a job that did not give overtime and he complained that it was not busy and boring there.

Later and later nighttime hours. Not coming "up" but creating chores instead.

Outdoor late night phone calls.

Pushing me to find things to do without him-visit a relative overnight, go on a day-long shopping trip-finding ways for me to be away from home long hours.

He even planned us a trip and then got very forceful about not going for part of it.

The mobile phone. Behavior with the mobile phone that other people we know don't have. Huge clue.

Longer bathroom periods (text/sexting ow from there and who knows what else.)

More and more days full of "chores in the basement" or yard by himself and not spending time with all of us together on days off.

So much.

Ashland13 posted 5/28/2013 08:50 AM

Don't forget the anger/defensiveness at nothing!

Picking fights.

Stomping out.

lostmommy posted 5/28/2013 10:26 AM

Mine "only" had one affair, but there were definitely signs. He wasn't good at hiding any of it.

We used to get ice cream frequently from 711, and he'd be the designated person to go. He'd disappear longer and longer (really it should have taken 15 minutes round trip, that's how close we lived to 711 - but it would take 45 minutes to an hour). Post D-Day I discovered OW lived 3 blocks from 711.

I was in the hospital 2 weeks before he left, and my parents said he came home at 3am one of the nights claiming to have been at the hospital with me, when in reality he was gone by 9.

Deleting his text messages and call logs, which he NEVER did.

Leaving for work (he worked nights) earlier and earlier and rushing me to put the baby to bed so that he could leave for work. He didn't have to be in NYC until 10, but he'd leave by 7:30 towards the end. We live roughly 25 minutes from Penn Station...

I don't even think he knows that I've tied all of these loose ends together by myself. He never validated, never apologized, hell, he still to this day does't think he was having an affair.

It's alright. Karma is a bitch. From what I've heard through the grapevine (because I got my ex-inlaws in the divorce - or at least my exMIL and exBIL/SIL)...XWH and OW fight constantly and they do not have a happy marriage. Imagine that?!

Williesmom posted 5/28/2013 11:23 AM

My wxh was a mechanic - he never showered before work, just put on a ball cap.

About 10 years before D-Day #1, he suddenly started showering before work.

Yup. MOW told me about it, which made such a light bulb go off for me. Made so much sense.

And then I realized that my entire marriage was a lie.

nowiknow23 posted 5/28/2013 11:53 AM

And now that random piece to the jigsaw puzzle really doesn't make a difference - I already know what the picture looks like,
This really represents where I am. From time to time, I have these moments of "Oh! THAT'S what that was about."

And then I go back to what I was doing. There impact isn't there anymore, it's just another piece of hay for the bale.

KeepOnMovin posted 5/28/2013 15:04 PM

Deleting text messages to someone labeled "friend" in her contacts. (1000 text messages between Christmas and New Years, all deleted)

Sitting in the batroom for hours with her iPhone.

over the last two summers, she encouraged me to take the kids on vacation without her.

Her having to stay at school every afternoon until about 5:00 getting ready for the next day, when she could knock out a lesson plan in about 15 minutes.

When a guy friend would text her a 3am asking her where she was, and when they were going to get the party started!!

Her clothing style went from conservative elementary school teacher to slut mom.

Her begging me to buy her a pair of synthetic boobs because her clothes just don't fit her right.

FieldsOfLavender posted 5/28/2013 15:19 PM

"2. Mean-spirited joking. He said so many mean things to me and when I would call him on it, he brushed it off as a joke. I later recognized this as a form of emotional abuse -- it gives him free reign to say anything he wants and if I complain, then I have a bad sense of humor.

6. He put me down all of the time, claiming that my food tasted terrible, even when I knew it was good, or telling me what a slow runner I was, even when I'd win an award (he also wouldn't let me stay to pick up the award.) And then I'd have to praise him for his "accomplishments" -- like drinking a glass of water without coming up for air, or how fast he could move his feet while dancing. "

This is how my WH has been. He says I have no sense of humor and he tells me my cooking is bad and that I am not intelligent. After reading your examples, I realize that WH needed his ego stroked for every little thing the way OW does for him. He likes to note that he has a high IQ.

Of course, after 40 hours of work, 3 hour daily commute racing home to cook and clean up (with little help from him) for the past several years, I am tired and exhausted. I mentioned on several occasions that I could use some help.

He can't keep up his best behavior with OW forever before the mask starts to slide off, after my exit. Then he can start digging into her. I think it's just his nature - maybe he learned it from his father, a single father.

Helen of Troy posted 5/28/2013 15:20 PM

"Night fishing" yeah he was looking to use his worm all right. there were many but right now this is the only one I can remember anymore.

These things used to go through my mind a lot. Nowadays, I don't think of those offs much at all or even care.
You may think you will never get to that point, but one day you will.

Vulcanized posted 5/28/2013 16:44 PM

I kept having the same horrible dream, from about 2 months after the start of his A. The last time I had it was the night before DD.

He became angrier and angrier as time when on.

Ignored V-Day, my b-day & our anni that year.

Left earlier for work, came home later.

In retrospect, I see that the whole M was a lie. XH cheated days before we got M'd, pretty much the entire time we were M'd.

FieldsOfLavender posted 5/28/2013 18:45 PM

He became angrier and angrier as time when on.

Did your WS get angrier before Dday or after or both? My WH also became angry and IRATE like I'd never seen him in the almost 9 years that we were together.

Vulcanized posted 5/28/2013 19:59 PM


FOL - XH withdrew/tried cake eating immediately after DD. Once I 180'd & started NC w/him is when he became much, much angrier than I'd ever seen him. I have never seen such hateful behaviour in my life.


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