Storm clouds were gathering. Although we had renewed our vows in December and our R seemed to be going well, I knew something was still wrong. JM was in a funk and nothing seemed to help. He continued to drink even after I told him it bothered me, because I refused to be the beer police and tell him he couldn't drink. I wanted to matter enough to him that he would stop because he didn't want to hurt me anymore.
I felt like he was hiding something. On Memorial Day last year I asked him if he had broken NC. He said no. I asked him what I would find if I ordered the phone records. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "You can order anything you won't. I promise you will not find anything." Those of you who have followed my story know how that turned out. Multiple NC breaks. All initiated by him. One phone call and then texts every couple of weeks.
I was absolutely devastated. Crushed. Destroyed. I discovered that I apparently didn't have any deal breakers after all and that made me feel even worse. He called her in front of me and told her it was over, but it meant absolutely nothing. We sat in MC the next day and our MC just ripped him about 5 new buttholes.
I told him I was done trying. I was tired and that at that point i could not care less if he contacted her again. He couldn't possibly hurt me any more.
And that's when he finally got it. He did every single thing I had been asking him to do in the previous 9 months. He read Not Just Friends. He joined SI and started posting. He took the lead in our MC. He got involved at our church in a big way, which was very important to me. He served me in ways I hadn't asked and in fact, hadn't even imagined. In the past year, we have quite literally not had a fight. We may disagree, but have been able to talk every single thing out.
I have learned that there was a lot of work for me to do too. I wasn't sitting on some moral high ground with no faults.
He has grown in so many ways... Many people who know us have remarked that its like meeting a completely new person when they spend time with him. My brother's wife told me something beautiful at Christmas. She said that she felt for 15 years as though JM had tolerated my family, but that now she knows he loves them.
I love him. I am proud of him and of us. I'm so grateful to have found SI, to show us it could be done and to help support us through the awful days.