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Just as bad as year 1. In some ways things are better. And in others they are right back to what was. Its a wave of emotions we can't get off. She's upset, I'm frustrated. Then she's upset cause of what I'm feeling. Then I feel guilty for feeling like I feel. And for making her upset. Fucking hate this bullshit. I don't sleep well. I fake my way through my day. Just wanna beat the shit out of something. This blows. She hurt and angry. I seem to be angry all the time. And its my fucking fault anyway. What the hell. How did I fuck this up so bad? What the fuck was I thinking that was worth all of this? When I saw fatal attraction at 16 I should have paid better attention. It may have been just a movie but the lesson was there. For every action there is a reaction. And when it comes to affairs they are never good. Tired, angry, pissed off and just miserable. And that's nothing compared to what I put her though.

I know some of the things you feel. I also never thought of the end result. Of course thoughts of losing my BS did come into my mind but I was more important. I don't think your angry but more frustrated. She thinks you were the perfect guy for her and now she finds that you were somebody totally different. Sometimes time heals. The longer the A the longer the time. If you really want it to work then be there for her. Answer her questions over and over. I'm not the best one to say this but try and stay calm while discussing the A. Show you care.

Why are you frustrated and angry?

scream-
I hated year 2 as well. It seemed like some things really sunk in during that year.

-This really happened.

-It is not going to resolve itself quickly.

-Love doesn't fix relationship issues(the A plus all the other ones we had/have).

-For my H- he realized that he couldn't just sit on the sidelines and wait for me to heal.

At the end of year 2 I stopped trying to control the process(this one was BIG for me) and accepted that it was going to take what it was going to take.

Are you in MC? It really is worth every penny.

As R continues you have to be open to expressing yourself and communicating. And when it goes badly, trying again. You both have to be willing to be the one to get the ball rolling again.

Every time you fall down you get up. I don't mean it like a rah, rah thing. You get your ass kicked by life, A stuff, family, jobs, kids whatever and you get back to your feet and keep moving.

It isn't easy. I used to compare our R to the R that 'should' have happened from day 1. It didn't happen like that for us. We share the blame for stepping off the path here and there..... Cripes we probably wandered in the deep woods the entire first year...

You both feel like crap, meet there. Give empathy and ask for empathy. If that means being team turd, do it. Even in the depths of this mess, turn toward each other and share it. Over time you have to trust your BS to be open to how you actually feel rather than what you 'should' feel.

In my experience, I would rather have a imperfect partner sloshing through the mess with me than a silent 'should' acting WS trying to white knuckle it...

[This message edited by redrock at 5:08 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

What are you doing to work on creating a loving marriage?

Have you researched any marital recovery programs?

What do you and your wife do for fun?

Year two was a great year for us. We had researched and invested in a marital recovery program in the first few months of recovery. By this time all the things she asked me to do had been completed and were on a sustainable course. All the marital program materials were implemented and they too were on a sustainable course. Each year has been better too... 5 years and counting!

I had done so much damage that I knew my wife would never stay with me unless I gave our marriage more attention than any thing else in my life. She had no interest in trudging along in misery. I had to do some extraordinary things if I wanted to get the mess I created turned around. This had to become a new way of life, not just a temporary patch.

Ask yourself, What are you doing everyday to make your wife feel special?

Research a marital recovery program. Start in the healing library for some help!

Thanks for the replies. Sorry my post was really a vent. I was at work and couldn't get out the frustration I was feeling. So I posted it. Anyway, I am in IC and we have done some MC. We will continue that. I have realized the damage I have done. Not all at once but over the last year. And some has been for the good and some really painful. I don't expect any of this to be over. Are there times I wish it was and we were happy all the time sure. But I'm not that stupid or lost in my own shit. I do want us to keep growing and getting stronger.