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how do i do this?

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bunnycat posted 5/27/2013 20:51 PM

His affair was almost 3 years ago. We split over 2 years ago, and in July the divorce will have been final for a year. I took almost 2 years to get myself together, then I started dating.

I've dated several nice people that I have gotten along with nicely and enjoyed their company. I even dated one person exclusively for a few months. But, I don't really ever feel anything. No one has been anything that I couldn't stop talking to and not feel a thing. I can't emotionally attach to anyone. I don't know how to fix me.

cmego posted 5/27/2013 21:09 PM

I wouldn't worry about it yet. Really. I'm on a similar timeline to you, and I totally go in and out on dating. I've dated about 10 guys now, only one caught my eye and it didn't last. The others? Ehhh.

I assume it is a combination of not meeting the right guy and still healing, and...well....kinda liking being alone. I'm in no rush to be in a serious relationship yet. The "glittery shiney-ness" of marriage was worn off.

Are in you therapy? I have been in almost 2 years now and I can hear what my IC would say, "You are cocooning, healing...just focus on taking care of yourself."


persevere posted 5/27/2013 22:25 PM

I'm not too far off from you, except my XWH pushed for a very quick divorce, so DDay was not quite 2 1/2 years ago, but D was final 3 1/2 months after that.

I just ended an 8 month relationship. I picked someone only a few months from his D being final. I knew better but I did it anyway, and I think it's because of what you describe here. I'm not ready for the intimacy so I picked someone emotionally unavailable. It blew me away that Baggage Reclaim had an article that was the exact screenplay of our 8 month relationship, lol.

So, it's normal and it will get better as you heal. But there is nothing wrong with examining it. Baggage Reclaim has some very insightful articles on the process that have been really helpful to me and many others here.

bunnycat posted 5/27/2013 22:38 PM

Therapy sort of. I go check in with one every 2-3 months. She thinks I'm doing well just like the one before. Maybe I just present well, because I am so emotionally detached from all the bullshit? Idk. It's not really helpful at all to be told I'm handling everything well.

I hear you on the only seeking those who are unavailable. The only person I've opened up to really is an old friend that I've known for decades. We've flirted, but we live far away and we're way too alike and combustible together. But, we're amazing friends, so I open up to him and not to other people. Even when I share stuff with other people, I'm not really there. Idk how to explain it.

persevere posted 5/27/2013 23:58 PM

Maybe I just present well, because I am so emotionally detached from all the bullshit? Idk. It's not really helpful at all to be told I'm handling everything well.

Oh bunnycat, do I EVER get this. I've been a therapy junkie on and off over many years. My most recent therapist, who is really good, said something to me that no other therapist has - she said "You function extremely well on the surface." And it was like a lightbult went off, because it is SOOOO true.

And we made more progress than I have with most in a short period of time, I actually felt accountable, but then I stopped going about six weeks ago. Partially because of the expense, she doesn't take insurance so I have to pay for the full session, but if I'm completely honest, I think I also stopped because we were starting to hit some areas I'd never gone to before and I think it scared me. I'm still putting a lot of thought into that.

I think we are all a work in progress, and I do believe just the fact that we consider our limitations, or even perceived limitations, means something with regard to our healing - I believe it indicates some level of progress.

You may still need some IC help to get there at some point, but at least you are getting somewhere. I recently started reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing - it's been very insightful, if you haven't read it. And keep posting - SI is an incredible lifeline - use it. ((Hugs))

nolight posted 5/28/2013 15:47 PM

I get you bunnycat, I am at the point that I would like a relationship though I'm not sure what my real motivation is. Sometimes I think it's fear of getting older and missing out on marriage and kids if it doesn't happen for me soon. I'm about to turn 33 so we're the same age. In all honesty if I KNEW it would happen for me eventually I'd cruise along pretty fine because I'm actually happy and enjoy my own company...just not forever!

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