"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

inconnu posted 5/27/2013 20:54 PM

It's been largely self-imposed. I've been spending a lot of time worrying about the "what's gonna happens" instead of dealing with stuff I need to do, and it's left me feeling like I'm some sort of NB pretender or fraud.

I know a lot of it had to do with my youngest turning 18, and stressing about how I'm going to manage financially without the child support money. It was a substantial amount of my monthly budget, and things are going to be really tight without it.

But it's not just my finances. As my SO mentioned today, it's not like the stress in my life has ever gone away. It's changed, it's about different things, but my life has been pretty stressful for almost the last 5 years. Which is where the feeling like a pretender part comes in for me. I was really good at offering the advice here for a long time, but now it feels like I talked the talk, but couldn't manage to walk the walk, kwim?

For the past year or so, I've been letting the stress paralyze me and make me second guess most of my decisions, which isn't good. I've let my kids take advantage of living at home by not consistently expecting them to contribute to the household chores. In other words, my house is a fucking disaster and I've let it get that way.

I've spent way too many nights after work sitting on the couch, surfing online, avoiding...life. I spend too much of my commute time dwelling on shit from the past, or shit that hasn't, and most likely won't, happen in the future.

A year ago or so, I posted that I was at least 95% healed, and that I was an infidelity survivor. Now I wonder if that's true or not, or if I'll be stuck where I am and this is as good as it gets.

Part of me knows better. Really I do. I've been on SI for 4 1/2 years. I've soaked up a lot of knowledge.

I just thought that I'd be in a better place financially by now. Not back to my pre-divorce lifestyle, as I knew I wouldn't ever have the earning potential to get there again. But I fully expected to have a better paying job, and to be financially stable by the time I stopped getting CS.

I know me. I'm taking it as a personal failure that I'm not there.

anyway, the main reason for posting all this is because I cannot change what I do not acknowledge, and I need to start making some changes.

so here I go, clicking on "submit topic" instead of deleting before I post this, like I have so many other posts I've written lately.

caregiver9000 posted 5/27/2013 21:08 PM

(((inconnu)))

1. Good for you for hitting submit. Really. Because your words have value. These words have value. You are not the only one to feel this way, and by putting it into words for yourself maybe you put it into words for someone else too.

Plus, I ALWAYS read your posts. Your user name means something to me: wisdom, reliability, kindness, thoughtfulness,

2. I suspect this is a slump, a temporary reaction to big changes and that your assessment of yourself is accurate. You are an infidelity survivor and you are mostly healed. Being healed doesn't make you immune to the regular shit that life throws your way.

I am so sorry you are stressing and I applaud you and cheer you as you kick this trial too!!

Part of me knows better. Really I do. I've been on SI for 4 1/2 years. I've soaked up a lot of knowledge.

Nothing I wrote is any wiser than your own words.

Hang in there.

FaithFool posted 5/27/2013 21:08 PM

You are at a turning point with DS turning 18.

That is a biggie.

Posting is good, I admire your honesty.

No need to beat yourself up. This shit is hard!

Williesmom posted 5/27/2013 21:17 PM

((Inconnu))

It's tough. You are wise - jits just that some things are out of our control.

Hope24 posted 5/27/2013 21:25 PM

You don't have to state the obvious for us to know where you're really at, girl. Some of us have been have been here awhile and know the signs.

Good for you for acknowledging it. What's the next step?

inconnu posted 5/27/2013 22:39 PM

Thanks, y'all. It really means a lot to me, what you've written.

The next step - actually I started some of those this weekend. My SO was here, and we spent the long weekend doing stuff around my house. There's still a ton to do, but at least I feel like I got started. And one of the big projects involved one of my sons, so now he's more motivated to do some stuff around the house, too. That will be a big help.

As far as improving my financial situation, the only way to do that is by finding a job that pays better, so I've got my resume and cover letters updated, and I'll start the job search again in earnest.

It's not everything, but it's a start. And more than I had been doing.

Sad in AZ posted 5/27/2013 22:50 PM

Well, you recognize that change has to happen-that's a big first step. Change is scary, but it's also cathartic. Change involves risk and risk is something that most of us try to avoid. The thing is, once you've taken the leap and risk, it's not so scary any more.

A little more than 3 years ago, I was sure I had to get out of Dodge. I had no money and no job prospects but I knew I had to leave. I took the chance of living with my mom, but when I saw that wasn't going to work, I took the chance of renting my own house--and son of bitch, it worked. Then my job went away and I had to take another chance; this time it was moving 1000 miles to a place where I had no safety net (i.e., no family) I'm still alive Now I'm on the verge of making another change. Who knows where this will take me. My point is I'm no longer afraid of trying.

Don't sell yourself short; 4.5 years ago you were a SAHM; you had to go back to school, find a job and support yourself with two growing boys. You're by no means a failure. And don't beat yourself up for letting the kids off the hook; I know my opinion is in the minority, but I think kids' jobs are going to school and having fun. If they do anything helpful, it's a bonus.

Your life isn't what you expected, but really, who's is?

homewrecked2011 posted 5/27/2013 22:58 PM

I'm really thankful you wrote this post.

I feel the same way lots of days after being so on top of my game during parts of last year.

persevere posted 5/27/2013 23:20 PM

I understand inconnu. I was in a similar financial position last summer. I still had the big house with the big payment that I kept in the divorce, DS was graduating and about to move out and CS was about to end which would affect my bottom line big time.

I had been working on my house, got it on the market, even got it under contract, but it was a long stressful summer because the buyers had a harder time funding than expected - it was crazy for a while. I also had several unexpected large expenses around the same time that pretty much cleared out my savings.

It took months but it all worked out, and I ended up with a new, smaller home, and a new job with a raise too. But it was stressful, and I'm still adjusting to so many life changes at once. (Selling and buying a new home, empty nesting and new career) But, the point is, change can happen. Sometimes you have to push for it, sometimes it rolls in unexpectedly, and it may not be exactly what you expected, but you will get there.

The new job search sounds like a great way to start. You will get there. ((Hugs))

wildbananas posted 5/27/2013 23:27 PM

I think you're very brave, inconnu, and supersmart to boot.

Good for you for recognizing what's going on and taking the first few steps to move beyond it.

You got this.

Kajem posted 5/28/2013 01:01 AM

Inconnu,

You're not alone in the struggles with your house, kids, and job situation. Thanks for posting, so the rest of us know we are not alone also.

Hugs,

K

Hope24 posted 5/28/2013 06:29 AM

Those are great steps.

Lean on your SO. Lean on us. Don't be afraid to vent once in awhile. You are one tough woman and you will get through this.

(((Inconnu)))

ninebark posted 5/28/2013 06:38 AM

Hey it is never too late with the kids. All they need is the "things are changing" speech. Let them know that the free ride is over and it is time to start contributing.

My 12 year old now has lots of chores that he didn't before, they adapt pretty quick. After all, at some point they are going to live on their own and they will have to do these things, might as well get them used to it now.

Just remember, sometimes change, no matter how scary can lead to some wonderful things. Don't be afraid to try.

About 5 years ago my life was a mess. I had broken my leg, my job was horrible and stressful and they were threating to fire me all the whilte telling me they support me . I found out my husband had an affair.

I was terrified!!! My life was a mess, my house was a mess. I had stress related health problems.

BUT..that being said, I went on lots of interviews (on a broken leg no less), got a great job, ended my marriage, took over my house and took up running. Things are good even though at the time it looked like I wasn't going to get through it.

I know you can too

[This message edited by ninebark at 6:39 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

cayc posted 5/28/2013 06:49 AM

I've been spending a lot of time worrying about the "what's gonna happens" instead of dealing with stuff I need to do,

Nothing paralyzes today like worrying about tomorrow. And I think going through betrayal exacerbates the tendency to worry about tomorrow b/c there you were, trucking along in your M, and BLAM out of nowhere, chaos and crisis.

It sets you up to not trust today b/c you feel like you got so blindsided.

Don't discount your subconscious awareness that your child growing up/leaving and what that means for you financially has been preying on your mind exacerbating the paralysis either.

And I don't think you're a fraud at all. Because the second your predicament became clear to you what did you do? Whine? Complain? No, you enlisted your SO to help you make small steps and you pulled up your bootstraps and started getting yourself organized to find a better job.

I think you're doing just fine.

(((inconnu)))

inconnu posted 5/28/2013 13:22 PM

thanks again, y'all. I wish I could agree about the asking for help/support as soon as I realized there was issues, but the truth is I've been sitting on this for months, trying to ignore it, wishing it would go away or that someone, anyone, would magically fix things for me.

and we all know that's not the way it works.

and

after being so on top of my game

omg! ^^^this. that's it, exactly. I thought I had it figured out, I was positive, I could see the future out there waiting for me. I felt like I was on top of my game. But now... feeling a lot more like I'm sitting on the bench or something.

gma56 posted 5/28/2013 14:02 PM

((My former bar dancing partner))

I also thought I had it figured out but last summer the post divorce plans changed. I didn't have a clue what to do but I switched directions and doing something completely out of my comfort zone. Somedays it feels so right and other days it's wth am I doing ?? I use to plan the future but now it's one week at a time and hope for the best. Scary shit !!!!! I do still have dreams of what I want but no real plans.

Don't under estimate the impact of becoming an empty nester. It changes the financials and EVERYTHING else.

Don't dismiss downsizing even with SO in the future. You can downsize and save money. Plans for the future can be readjusted and work out better than you can imagine.

Best thing I did was move out marital house and now in a beautiful master suite with four male room mates. Never thought I would like it here much less feel comfortable but I do.

A year ago or so, I posted that I was at least 95% healed, and that I was an infidelity survivor. Now I wonder if that's true or not, or if I'll be stuck where I am and this is as good as it gets

Only if you allow it to be as good as it gets. I also feel like a NB fraud at times but then look back and yes I have made progress. I'm not where I want to be yet either and I'm 5 yrs out after sitting idle for 3 yrs.

anyway, the main reason for posting all this is because I cannot change what I do not acknowledge, and I need to start making some changes

And you sound truly ready to make changes to make your life work better for yourself.
If a job doesn't happen then time to eliminate some of the financial burdens. It's tough decisions but it sounds like you are almost ready for a change scenery.
Big Hugs
Gma

traicionada posted 5/28/2013 15:41 PM

Darling, you are such an amazing creative and talented individual that you make some of us "normal" look like losers I know in my heart that you have what it takes to get out this funk and the next one for that matter. Keep us post!

inconnu posted 5/29/2013 19:59 PM

I came back today to re-read all the wonderful words you all had for me, and my eye caught a couple of quotes in sig/tag lines. So of course I had to read everyone's, and then I grabbed some of them, mixed them up and ended up with this:

Don't look back. It's not where you're going!
You have to walk away from the past in slow motion as it explodes behind you, like in a John Woo movie.
She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim.
Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light.

There's a powerful message for me in all those words, I do believe.

and then I had cj's

"Stretch" (and Skew!)

which made me laugh, which was also much needed.

HappilyUnMarried posted 5/29/2013 21:07 PM

(((Inconnu)))

My life is seasonal. I feel I am living life sometimes. Other times I feel like I am just a spectator. Being a spectator in life isn't fun: sometimes you have to light a fire under your ass.

When I get down on life (which is often, since I'm prone to depression) what I do is concentrate on making one life change. Only one. Take a class. Pursue a new female friendship. But.... just one thing at a time or you will get overwhelmed.

Last year at this time I looked at my house (also destroyed by entitled teenagers) and hired an organizer. She charged about $30/hr, but worth every penny! I did most of the work to save money; but she lead the way. She created a "system" for my kids and I that is easy to maintain. When I started liking my home environment better, my anxiety levels dropped and I started feeling better.

I'm an introvert, so socializing and meeting new people is hard for me.. This fall I joined some meetup groups on topics that interested me, like art. documentaries and hiking. The result? I met people (girls and guys) that have really made a difference in my life!

One change! Just a one! What will it be?

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 9:13 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

Hope24 posted 5/30/2013 04:23 AM

We think you are fabulous.