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I just received a phonecall from my H after his IC session. He said he'd managed to narrow down the year that he saw the second prostitute - ie, the first time he cheated on me. It was 2001, three years after we started dating and a year before we got engaged.

For some reason, I feel like I've discovered something new. I feel pain that I haven't felt in weeks. I sobbed after we hung up (he said to "have a good afternoon").

For over 3 months, he couldn't remember the year he first saw a prostitute. Now he suddenly remembers? I don't understand. I am now racking my brains wondering what was going in our lives back then ... this is a horrible feeling.

(((hugs))) The first thing, very first thing, that I did when I got my FWHs timeline, was to go back and dig up every date book I still had, construct my own timeline, and see how it all lined up. It made my heart ache, that at such-n-such a time in my/our family life, his private life equaled strippers, phone chats, porn. It's like a dark industrial-smog lowered itself over my memories. A shocker, even when you know that X happened.

Thanks, Skan. I wish I had things to help me remember, but apart from the odd letter from after that time, I don't really have anything. My emails don't go back that far (I switched addresses), so I only know the 'big' stuff, if that makes sense.

I do wonder if he has tried not to remember until now? And I wonder what it was about our relationship then that suddenly made him plan to go and see a prostitute? And then 12 more in the following year or two? (Some more than once.) Or should I stop wondering about our relationship and just conclude that it was him that was broken? Urgh, I hate this.

I also feel uncomfortable posting about this because of the things I've done. I just desperately needed to vent as I'm feeling very low.

[This message edited by grapefruit at 11:12 PM, May 27th (Monday)]