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I'm blowing it

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LearningToFly posted 5/27/2013 23:47 PM

I believe my husband has stopped communicating with the OW. However, he isn't really stepping up enough for me. His default priority besides his own routines and work is our kids. I feel bad that I could actually be jealous of our kids and he has made it a point to question me as to why I would not want him to spend time with them.

Its just that he was spending time with them throughout the affair and pulling away from me. I felt throughout that 2 year time that I was the unwelcome one in the house. Our daughters were breaking house rules about drugs and alcohol but I felt that it was me that needed to leave not them. My husband would say that I was too controlling or invasive in their lives. We have a minor in the home too. He is a drug addict and on juvenile probation. It was frustrating to have the girls thumbing their noses at our house rules in front of him. None of them respect either of us.

He is doing a bit more talking and listening. I am not satisfied. He acts as though I am asking too much. I do want reassurance that he wants our marriage to work and I also want him to start treating me like a priority. I am sick of crumbs. (I feel that I have gotten crumbs since the beginning of our relationship but I have grown to respect myself more and realize its not right or fair).

I blew it again today by bringing up my feelings. He asked what I wanted. He wants specifics. I want to feel that I matter, that he is truly sorry for what he did TO ME, that he is willing to actually do more than talk and make promises. I am not sure what the specifics would be. I expect I would feel it.

I feel like I don't love him anymore. That I have had to go through so much without him caring at all. That he took my love and flushed it. That I gave him all of me, my life for 30 years and it wasn't enough for him to truly love me. The words of love to OW and how he "never felt that way before" , how making love would be so "special because of their connection "(it was EA because of distance), how he felt guilty about leaving me because I had been an at-home-mom and didn't have a career to support myself, sharing our personal lives with her through email without mention of me as though I wasn't involved in all the things he talked about, complaining about me, and all the times he chose to write to her while I was 5 feet away make me question his motivation now. He told her that he was staying with me until December and if it didn't work out, he would leave. He also told her that he wanted to give his best until then and if it didn't work out he would have no regrets.

I have lost respect for him after what he did to me. I want to love him again but I don't want to be hurt by him anymore. If I were to love him again, I would need to feel safe, that he was committed, that he really wanted to be with me, that I mattered to him. I am beginning to think that he will not get to that point.

I am such a vulnerable, open person and I end up spilling my guts every time. Then I hate myself because he gets mad and withdraws from me.

kansas1968 posted 5/28/2013 00:12 AM

"I blew it again today by bringing up my feelings"
Nonsense. Your feeling are paramount to healing this mess. If you can't express your feeling without him getting an attitude, then this is not going to work. You did and are doing nothing wrong. The reaction to an affair is all over the map, and none of it is wrong.
He is the one who did something wrong. There are many paths to take when you are unhappy in a marriage. An affair is not one of them. He took the easy way to boost his self-esteem.

He has violated a sacred trust and you should be angry about it.

Are you in MC/IC? Until he accepts that he is the one who is the betrayer, that he violted your trust, and that he has caused you more pain that any human being should have to bear, then he is still in the fog, and a 180 is in order.

I am so, so sorry, you are dealing with this pain. We all know how horrible it is. Hugs and know that you are worth more than he is giving you at this point. K

la433 posted 5/28/2013 05:00 AM

The reason you don't feel like he is stepping up to the plate is because he isn't. Your sensors are working quite well.

He told her that he was staying with me until December and if it didn't work out, he would leave. He also told her that he wanted to give his best until then and if it didn't work out he would have no regrets.

That doesn't sound like committment to me at all. It sounds more like saving face, and a complete lack of committment. Why would a time factor be stipulated on a lifelong relationship? The OW is a fool is she believes he'll change that mindset for her. She's out of the picture he says? Hmm. Only time will tell, but your words describing your feelings say more than you know.

That I gave him all of me, my life for 30 years and it wasn't enough for him to truly love me.

As I also have found out, nothing we do for them or give to them will EVER be enough for them. They only have the ability to look inward, never outward, and selfishness rules the day.

Just listen to what you wrote "how he felt guilty"...he felt guilt, not remorse. Remorse is different though many think they're similar. I feel guilty when I eat a couple of pieces of fried chicken; but I feel remorse when I see the fat I packed on because of it. The two are related to each other, but not the same. What your H lacks is the ability to feel shame over gaining weight (cheating on you) because he probably feels justified (he deserves it).

Everyone of these jerks have the inate ability to turn every situation around (IE manipulate) to where it is about them. Your WH is no different. His lack of committment stems from a severe lack of remorse because he really does feel justified in what he's done.

He will never feel remorse until he comes to a point where he realizes that he is not justified in any way, shape or form--that it was 100% his fault and that he has the sole responsibility to fix it, accompanied by a sense of regret/shame over what he's done to you which is clearly not the case.

The OW may or may not be out of the picture. You never really know, do you? I know that's true about my xW--still don't know--but don't care as we are D'd now. But if he really cares, then a part of what he has to attempt to repair is your feelings for him and he can't do that with one foot in the door and one foot out.

You're not asking too much. It might be you're not asking enough. You're no longer on a level playing field--remember that. Before the A, maybe you were, but not now. He has to hit some runs before he even gets on base.

Good luck.

letting_go posted 5/28/2013 06:16 AM

It's time to make him earn your love and respect.

I've spoken to a lot of FWSs since my dday several years ago and each and everyone of them pretty much said the same thing in regards to them working on themselves. If it wasn't for their BS leaving them or refusing to put up with their bullshit they would have continued to be WSs.

Some BSs who weren't in a good financial place found a roommate, packed up the kids, and left. The BSs who were in a good financial spot packed up the WSs stuff and had the courts put the WS out. Some stayed with the WS and fought it out.

You do not need to put up with nonsense from anyone in your household. Not your husband and definitely not your kids.

Ladyogilvy posted 5/28/2013 09:08 AM

Your WH sounds as emotionally retarded as mine. Completely clueless about what to do when we're upset. Wanting instructions, a specific script would be nice, sound familiar? It's not than they are incapable of empathy except when it comes to our feelings. WTH is that about? We're not supposed to have feeling? Our expressing feelings is wronging them somehow? I have gotten the, "when will you gt over it" attitude since the day he confirmed what I knew was true. The fact that we have feelings, get upset, aren't "over it" isn't the surprise. The surprise is that we have as many good days as we do. Whether through denial or sheer will power, the fact that we haven't given up on life completely is the surprise.

mysticpenguin posted 5/28/2013 09:21 AM

You've gotten some great advice here already, all of which I strongly agree with. I just want to reiterate that you are not blowing it -- he is.

Awww, is it hard for him to have to hear how he hurt discuss your work to earn your trust back? Too bad! He's the one who ran over your heart with a steamroller and threw your trust away.

I'd bet you a hundred bucks that he's taken the A underground and still has his end-game in place.

Re-read your post and consider what advice you'd give if the post was an email your best friend or sister sent you. What would you say? That should tell you a lot.

If it were me, I'd180 and kick him out. He doesn't get it, he's probably still stringing OW along, and I'd betcha dollars to donuts he's still lying about a lot of stuff. He has no regard for your feelings. You deserve better.

Titanium posted 5/28/2013 15:47 PM

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Your story is side by side with mine with your WH. We have probably moved forward just a bit but not without me having to have meltdown after meltdown and horrid arguments that made me stronger.

This strength and the anger i am consumed with makes me face things head on now and that terrifies him.

You are not blowing anything. He did that for the both if you. I think he is still very selfish and hedging his bets just like my WH did. He changed his FB pw recently just to piss me off so he says. I had had enough and told him he wasnt helping me so he had to leave. I also told him that he can go and do whatever he likes with whoever because i dont give a shit.

There were no tears shed. I was so angry and exhausted. He could see that i was serious and started to be oh so nice. Problem is i have zero trust and i have no respect for him now.

He has dragged this out and broke NC twice. Too many chances from me. He trying now but its not enough. No gifts, nothing. How hard is it really to show love and empathy. Your WH needs to be given an ultimatum. I would be telling him to ring her in front of you or send and email saying he is with you, loves you and no more contact. Finished, done!

If he cannot do this for you ask him to leave. If he cannot do this for you and your marriage then he is not serious and a cake eater. He is disrepecting you and your gut is telling you things aren't right, right?

You needvto be strong about this. You cant keep going with him treating you this way. Stand your ground. If he agrees then tell him you will NOT tolerater being disrespected
You will NOT tolerate secrecy of any kind whatsoever and you will NOT tolerate anything other than total truth and honesty OR your marriage is over.

Hard stuff i know. I am doing all this crap too but whats worse? Living this way everyday not being respected?

I am also doing the 180. Difficult on my low days but getting there. All this shit shows me now after 24 years that perhaps i deserve someone better.

Not sure if i love mine either. Use your anger to stand up for yourself. Take control and say "Fuck it" i wont be treated this way. Remember you havnt and are not doing anything wrong........he is the selfish one who doesnt deserve your love.

Stay strong and take care of YOU.
Sending you big hugs!

LearningToFly posted 5/29/2013 04:07 AM

The thing is, I have been trying to do something like the 180 for awhile. In IC my counselor encouraged me to pull back from my husband and get busy with friends, go back to school, and enjoy time by myself. i was doing that, it just gave him more time to pursue the affair. Even though he isn't in contact with her anymore, the damage is done. He is back to his emotionally distant self. He doesn't understand my pain. I feel so broken and trapped. We have a lot going on in our family. I don't have any where to go. I wish I did.

The hardest part is reading the emails they exchanged. He said he never was "in love" with me, he married me because he thought I was a nice woman and good companion. I was 25 years old with a life ahead of me. I didn't need his favors. Now 28 years later I find out he married me because "he didn't understand what love was" and he mindlessly asked me to marry him and felt like he had to keep his commitment. (I was a virgin on our wedding night so its not like I forced him to marry me). I loved him with all my heart and believed in him. Over the years I have come so far down on his priority list. I have been unhappy and lonely for most of our marriage. I have worked on myself to change and grow to meet my own needs. I can't believe I am in this spot!

I hurt so bad and want to scream. Its only a temporary fix. I don't want to add a divorce to the plate I have carried for the past 5 years with a brain tumor, the deaths of my brother, sister and nephew, my daughters brain injury, and my sons rebellion and law breaking. He says he wants us to "work out" but I don't see change in him. He acts as though I should be able to just move on and start meeting his needs for validation and words of affirmation since his GF was so good and doing that for him. Its just too much. I have no where to go and I work very part time. Ugggg. I hate this!!!!!

isadora posted 5/29/2013 05:23 AM

FWH cheated before I understood what his problems were. He continued the A while I frantically tried to right the ship and fix what was wrong with me. He told me he could see improvement, but I was not giving 150%. He told me he loved me just was not in love with me. Told me our decision to have kids was a desperate attempt to fix our M (news to me).

I finally started the 180 and yes he still continued the A. I finally told him to go to his OW, I was done. And he did for 36 hours. He liked the fantasy better than reality. So he took the A underground until he was terrified he would be left with only OW.

You have the control to stop living this way by simply letting go of the rope. Divorce is not a failure on your part.

tushnurse posted 5/29/2013 08:34 AM


YOU are not doing anything wrong. Despite what he is telling you. This a very common thing that Waywards do. It helps to make you the betrayed spouse feel inadequate, and weak. Thus keeping you in line with what they want so they can continue to be Liars, and Cheaters.

You my dear are doing what you can. He however is not, and you cannot blame yourself for that. One thing I found was helpful in the early days was the Serenity prayer they use for AA. Because it does truly reinforce what you know to be true, but are sometimes blinded by trying so hard, and being so hurt.

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Religious or not this is a great mantra for us to remind ourselves of. If he chooses to disrespect you, you can't do anything about that. You can however protect yourself. KWIM?

((((and strength)))

Safeguard posted 5/29/2013 08:48 AM

I am sorry that your in such a painful situation.

The problems with your children have got to be much harder to handle without a untied parental front.

Your children are in crisis, and he chooses to cavort with OW, add all this extra stress and confusion into your household?!!!

Does your WH drink? Use drugs also? I am getting the impression of a severely immature, self-centered personality here. you said:

enjoy time by myself. i was doing that, it just gave him more time to pursue the affair. Even though he isn't in contact with her anymore, the damage is done. He is back to his emotionally distant self. He doesn't understand my pain. I feel so broken and trapped. We have a lot going on in our family. I don't have any where to go. I wish I did.

You are already alone. Your WH is a spineless wimp. So he doesn't like the life he's living? He wants a "Do-Over, and he's placing the blame on you? Alienating you from your children?

I could just come there and smack the crap out of this loser!
How dare he disrespect you, talk smack about you, and then point his blaming finger at you! He is really making my blood boil.

He needs to man-up and start taking responsibility for himself and his family!

I so understand being trapped, and to overwhelmed to know where to start digging your way out of this mess... I wish I had some words of wisdom for you girl, but I've got nothing. I do know however, that you are NOT the problem here!!! Please don't except this load of blame he's trying to dump on you. Return to Sender!!!

[This message edited by Safeguard at 8:50 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

LearningToFly posted 5/29/2013 11:53 AM

I am feeling so hopeless today. His words that he wants things to work out are so old. He was even saying he wanted our marriage to work out when he was emailing his GF. He doesn't have a clue of how to be there for me. He asks me to tell him but I don't even know. He says words but actions are not very strong.

I just finished reading every email they wrote to each other except for deleted, missing because they were instant messaged, and unheard because they talked twice in person). My IC told me not to do it, that it was going to hurt me. She was right. I am crushed. I look back on our 30 years together and see answers to so much of his behavior.

His need was to be validated and told he was okay no matter what. I didn't do that. He had a habit of putting me as last priority, he made the same promises that he didn't keep for years, he ran from conflict with us and others so that I had to deal with it alone. It was difficult to validate him and tell him he was okay. It wasn't okay that he kept hurting me and won't change. She could say it was fine and she loved him when he ran from his responsibilities and conflict here. Her life wasn't affected and her children weren't hurt by his behavior.

I can see that I have been critical and negative in our marriage. I feel like that is my fault. I really tried to be possitive. It was so hard to compete with his "happy-go-lucky" personality and outlook on life. He sees the glass filled and overflowing even when our kids are on drugs, threatening suicide, and drinking. I have been devistated by these things and I think he is tired of my emotions.

He doesn't drink or do drugs and never has. He remembers a happy childhood though his other 3 siblings don't. He was his moms "favorite." He is loved and well respected at his job and in the community. He has always worked to provide for our family. He is still reaching out to care for our kids. Its just me that he gives token effort to. He says that he felt/feels hopeless that I will ever be satisfied. His GF was constantly reassuring him and telling him how much she loved him and what a strong man he was. I was constantly begging him to step up with our kids and hold them accountable.

I want to wake up from this nightmare. I am so scared of the future. I am paralized and don't know what to do.

Safeguard posted 5/29/2013 17:24 PM

I'm sorry your in such a bad *place* tonight.

I too, compulsively read and re-read devastating evidence from my WH's affair. It was killer, but now I am not sorry I did. It helped me to grasp the reality of, yes he really did/said, these horrible things. We are long divorced, and I am very sure it was the right move for me, do to those messages, and other things.

I find it a bit confusing when you say, he is still reaching out to care for your children, yet you say:

I was constantly begging him to step up with our kids and hold them accountable.

How can he see his "glass", as "overflowing", when his kids are on drugs and his family life is falling apart/

Something is not adding up here...So the whole world thinks this dude is awesome? He's such a fun, great, giving person, yet he's screwing around on his wife?!

Methinks there is a reason you have been so angry and critical my dear. I am so glad that he has been so happy with things, but someone has not been taking good care of you.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 5:25 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

LearningToFly posted 5/29/2013 20:06 PM

My husband is good looking, energetic, and very charismatic. He laughs loud and says nice things to everyone he meets. He works with kids so we can't go anywhere without children running up to him to say hi and parents adore him.

As for our own kids, he loves to have fun with them. He doesn't like confronting them or holding them accountable for their behavior. He grew up in a home with a distant dad who didn't even do fun time with him or his siblings. It gets really hard for me to have to be the one to deal with the drugs, drinking, and rule breaking in our home. He is more involved than he use to be but he still is very permissive or unaware of what is going on right under his nose.(Of course the same could be said about me. I was so busy dealing with it all that I didn't realize my husband was cheating on me 5 feet away everyday for almost 2 years). He often critisizes me for being too harsh or pushing issues. (Such as if you want to have 2 6 packs of beer and vodka in your room while your brother is on probation you need to move out - she was 20 now 21).

The past 5 years have been one giant wave after another knocking me down. I haven't been good at taking care of myself. I have focused too much on taking care of everyone else and they DID NOT want me to take care of them. It feels unnatural but I am trying to detach and do more for myself like go out with girlfriends, take on-line classes, and I want to get a full time job with benefits so that I don't HAVE to depend on my husbands income. I would never recommend that anyone be a complete stay at home mom after this experience. It makes a woman too vulnerable.

We just talked again and he is asking why I read the emails they shared. What is my "motivation" what do I hope to get out of it for our marriage and for understanding him. I told him it was because I wanted the truth and he has lied so much to me. It just really hurts to read them and to see where his heart was at during so many difficult times. At least I know that my feelings weren't paranoid. He wasn't there with me, that for sure.

avicarswife posted 5/30/2013 03:42 AM

You are not blowing it - he is!

He doesn't sound like he wants to put the effort in to rebuild the marriage.

This sounds like he has a foot out the door -

He told her that he was staying with me until December and if it didn't work out, he would leave. He also told her that he wanted to give his best until then and if it didn't work out he would have no regrets.

Basically he wants to be able to say he is the good guy! In fact OW maybe still in the wings.

My husband is good looking, energetic, and very charismatic. He laughs loud and says nice things to everyone he meets. He works with kids so we can't go anywhere without children running up to him to say hi and parents adore him.

He sounds like he is all about him and everyone else's perception of him - sadly you get to see the real thing!

On top of all your other stress he is still all about him!

180 may be your option
but I would be getting your ducks in a row and see a couple of good lawyers so you know what your options and rights are.

Have you read these links?

Why would you not want to spend time with him?

Well I would say it could any number of the following:
Because he is self involved, lacking compassion and empathy.

He is downright cruel and nasty in some of the things he has said to you.

He is giving you crumbs!

He wants the marriage to work but wants you to do the work!

What work is he doing?

[This message edited by avicarswife at 3:44 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

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